Back Again - will see for how long

 Hard to believe that I spent so many years documenting every little thing that I haven't touched this blog in years. I have SO much to say! LOL - probably more than people want to hear but I decided that I wanted to start a place where I could leave messages and thoughts for my family to read after I'm gone from this earth.

You see, I had a health scare in June and it really got me to thinking. Lots of stuff has happened in the past few years and I've struggled. One of my grandkids, who is now 27, has cut me out of his family. His wife has blocked me from seeing anything she posts on FB except for her profile photo and her cover photo. (She probably thinks I haven't figured that out, but I'm not stupid... What I can't figure out is why she just hasn't unfriended me if she doesn't want me to see anything...  No clue.)  But, that's a subject for another post.

I've been having a few problems with random irregular heartbeats and the feeling of "fluttering" in my chest. Nothing that would stick around very long and when I'd do an ECG with my watch - or tell my doctor, who would do an EKG in the office - nothing would be there. (My mom had A-fib so I always had that in the back of my mind.) I even wore a heart monitor for a week and had an echo stress test. Both were great - nothing different from previous exams (I have mild mitro valve prolapse and tricuspid valve regurgitation). The doctor would tell me to cut back on caffeine and I'd do that. The symptoms would go away.

It had gotten to the point in the prior 6-7 months that I wasn't really functioning very well. I just didn't feel good. I didn't sleep well at night and I'd stumble downstairs in the morning to just lie down on my sofa. After work, I'd frequently take a nap on my sofa. I couldn't put my finger on any one thing, but just that I was off and couldn't find the answer. 

On the morning of June 20, I woke up not feeling good at all. My pulse was a little irregular but I didn't feel like it was the problem but more of a reaction to something. I didn't drink any coffee (fixed some and took it to work but didn't drink it). I got to work at 9:00 and another individual was there to work on the sound system. He left at 9:30 and I still felt fine. By 9:45, my pulse really started acting up so I took a walk around the hallways. It seemed to regulate so I went back to my office. (I should say that I was alone in the building so that was a bit of a concern for me.) About 10:30, I got an Alexa notification from my daughter to her kids, so I texted her back to ask if she was home. She said no, and asked what was wrong. I said my watch had been sending me notifications that my heart rate was over 130 while I was seated and doing nothing. During these back and forth text messages, I called my doctor's office and said I thought I needed to be seen. We discussed me driving there (about 2 miles) and I said I thought I'd be fine.

Amy told me (via text) that I should call the doctor and I confirmed that I was on my way there. By the time I shut down my computer and walked from my office to the front of the lobby (not far at all), my heart rate had shot up and I texted her back and said, "Something is really wrong. I'm calling myself an ambulance."

They were there within 4 minutes of me connecting with 911 operator. They had me loaded up into the ambulance and on the road to the hospital by 11:15. My heart rate was 230 and they couldn't get it down. They gave me 6m of adenosine, which did nothing. So, then they gave me 12 mg of adenosine. It only dropped my heart rate for a couple of seconds and then it shot back up again. I had three people working on me in the ambulance and ended up with an IV in each arm. My heart rate was so fast and irregular, they had trouble getting an accurate pulse. The monitor kept reading 228-227-229-228, etc. Adenosine makes you feel like you've been kicked in the chest by a large animal and I don't recommend it. It was truly awful. 

Once I got to the hospital, a whole crew of folks were waiting for me (which kind of concerned me). Usually, they have people transfer on their own from a cart to the other cart, but they took the stuff and moved me over. OK... not sure why but I didn't ask either. I had doctors and nurses in and out of that room trying to get me stabilized and nothing was working. Got another 12mg of adenosine and still nothing. They decided to start an IV of amiodarone and after a while, my heart rate started to come down. Once it was around 130-150, I felt normal because it was so much better than it had been. It was still scary high, so they packed me off to CICU. After my heart rate came down, my blood pressure shot up to 204/187, which is not good. They started plying me with all kinds of blood pressure meds to try and get it down to normal. 

I ended up staying there two days before they sent me home. I still felt awful and had to have medications adjusted more than once. I am happy to say that I think I'm back to normal (lol - "normal" is relative) and my blood pressure and heart rhythm have both stabilized.  I did find out that I was at stroke level or heart attack level and if I had tried to drive myself to the doctor, it could have had serious consequences. I was diagnosed with "A-fib with rapid ventricular response" and started on 3 new medications and increased the dosage of one I was already on. I'm grateful to be alive and in pretty good health (overall and all things considered).

So, here I am... one week away from turning 67 and really contemplating life, kids, grandkids, etc. I'm content with my life, and I enjoy sewing and embroidery (if you haven't guessed, Uncommon Willow is a business name). You can find my business pages on Facebook as The Uncommon Willow and Sew In Pieces. I make some pretty cool stuff, if I do say so myself!

Stay tuned... I have a lot to say. 

Test post

Closure...

 It’s time to write the final chapter for the year 1984… I’ve shared our meeting/wedding story enough so this year will be the last time it’s mentioned.

As I look back through the decades, I can see all the good times we experienced, and just as clearly see the negative stuff. I cringe to think of some of the things we did – things that were innocent mistakes and things that were willfully done knowing there could be (and probably would be) repercussions. I think of the mistakes we made with our children and, for some of them, my heart breaks. For the most part (or, at least that’s what I would like to believe), we were good parents. We said and did things we shouldn’t have and didn’t do or say things we should have. We did what we thought was best for our kids, even when it hurt them (or us) to do it. We made a lot of mistakes. A LOT! If I could go back and change even 10% of them, I would. Would it have changed the course of their lives and made them different people? Maybe… maybe not. Only God knows the answer to that and I’m sure I’ll find out when it’s my time to be judged.

When I moved to Wichita in January 1984, with two small children, I didn’t know what would be in my future. I just knew that I believed then (and still do) that God was directing my steps here and to a specific place to live. The pieces all fell into place too conveniently and too perfectly to be otherwise. Little did I know that I would meet someone totally the opposite of my expectations and spend the rest of his life with him. I like to think that we made a good team and we helped each other have a good life. I know that he loved and was loved in return. He was well taken care of in his years of need and I can’t do anything more than know deep in my heart that I did my best. LOL, most of the time. There were definitely some incidents where I let resentment cloud my actions and my words. But, he died knowing that he was loved.

Speaking of love, that’s truly all that anyone really wants. If we’re each totally honest with ourselves and each other, we want to love and be loved – and to experience a hug, a kiss, or even just a quiet moment. We want someone to think we hung the moon and the stars – and to think the same of someone else. We want a bond… we want someone to share the highs and the lows of life with. We want someone to spend time with, have conversations with, and miss when they’re not around. We want to be that someone in life of another, too. Once that bond is broken, either by death or divorce, it’s sometimes hard to bounce back. Grief, no matter the reason, is very personal and the journey is different for every single person. I can’t tell you how long each stage of grief will last or how long it should last. It’s just a journey that must be taken as an individual. It can’t be rushed, and it shouldn’t be judged according to someone else’s personal journey.

When a partner dies and that bond is cut off, it takes a while to move past it. Depending on the person, maybe THAT particular life experience is enough to last them for the rest of their life. For others, maybe they need to move forward and experience new things, meet new people, and maybe find another partner to share things. Maybe marriage isn’t in the cards, but companionship is. No one can say what someone can do or should do other than the person going through it.

But, no one should continue to live in the past or beat themselves up over decisions made or not made. I spent a lot of years hating myself for my looks, my size, my voice, my sensitivities (lol, “thin skin” as my dad called it), and every single thing I ever did wrong (and, I have a pretty good running slide show in my head… I’m sure I’ve missed a few, but they’re mostly on auto-replay any time of day or night, especially at night when I’m trying to sleep). I’m an over-thinker and was frequently an under-achiever because I felt I would not be successful – I didn’t believe in myself enough to think I was worth putting out the effort for. I was never quite good enough for this or for that. And, that’s really just a lot of rubbish that isn’t true now and wasn’t true then.

I’m almost 64. Old enough to know better and still young enough to care. 😉 I’d like to have another someone special in my life. I’m not searching because if it happens, it will be on God’s time and not mine.

I’m taking care of me and hopefully learning from the mistakes of the past. I’m still really good at putting my foot in my mouth (sometimes both of them), but I am trying.

So, I need to put closure on the past and create a new future. Anyway, that's my goal. Live... Love... Be happy.  (This should post at 7:00PM Central time on 8/20/20 - exactly 36 years from the beginning of our married life. I thought that would be a fitting time to close the past and look toward the future.)

Revisiting old memories... and other thoughts

 It's now been over six years since Ron left us, and almost our 36th wedding anniversary. We had a great marriage - not one that was without difficult patches and we both had to commit to making it work. There were times when we each could have walked away and been "justified" in our thinking. But, that's not what we promised each other or what we had promised God. We truly believed He had brought us together and we were determined to not throw it away.

On my Facebook page I've been chronicling how we met (blind date 8/1/84) and the days leading up to our marriage (8/20/84). It's been good memories and has brought back a lot of things that were special then. I'm not pining for Ron but I will always love the man he was - the Christian, the husband, the father, the friend, and the musician. I have wished for the life we were supposed to have - or the life I "thought" we were supposed to have. We did have the life that God mapped out for us and although we didn't always make the best choices (boy, did we ever screw up a LOT of things!), it was still the best life we could have had based on those choices. Sure, there are things I would have changed and wish we had done differently, but then I wonder if it would have affected the outcome and how it would have affect it - friends that we might not have made, impacts Ron might not have made in the lives of others, and (vainly) maybe even the impacts I might not have made in the lives of others. (I'm much more inclined to think of the positive impact Ron had on people than the positive impact I might have had on people.)

Ron left behind a legacy that will go forward for years. He's got grandchildren that he never met and great-grandchildren that he never met. Hopefully their parents will be able to tell them about the grandpa they never knew and how much he would have loved them. 

My life has changed in ways that I never imagined. I still make plenty of mistakes. Every. Single. Day. I'm constantly apologizing to God about how I've messed up. I try to keep politics and religion off Facebook but sometimes I fail. I don't believe Facebook is one happy event after another, but the hate and discontent really should be left off. There are so many things posted that are untrue, or "forms" of the truth and just twisted to suit a certain narrative - and it's sometimes easy to fall into the trap of responding. I did respond to one thing an extended family member had posted and got an earful back. The perceived "hate" I felt from that individual really hurt my feelings and I really had to step back. I had often wondered about how this individual felt about me, and the response kind of confirmed my thoughts. I wasn't sure if the same type of response would have been given to this person's mother or mother-in-law, or if it was merely because of who I am. My reaction to this individual's comment really gave me "pause" and I decided that commenting on controversial topics was something I was going to do a better job of avoiding. 

With the COVID-19 pandemic and the ongoing mask/no mask debate, it's sometimes hard to find neutral ground. At some point, I think nearly everyone will know of someone who has been affected - either by the virus, job loss, or some other way. Although we haven't had anyone directly infected, I know of several people who have had it and recovered or who are currently in quarantine because of exposure. Our little town has been hit but not as bad as some areas. To mask or not to mask is really tough. There is scientific and documented evidence to support both decisions. Which one do we believe, and can we change our minds? It's really a tough one. I struggle wearing a mask because of claustrophobia so I don't go out much. When I do, I wear a mask because that's what businesses have requested. When I'm away from others, I'll pull it down off my nose but when I'm within 6' feet of someone, it's up where it belongs. If they work to protect anyone at all, I feel like that little bit of stress is worth it. If they don't, then the worst I've done is been uncomfortable for a few minutes. I won't give anyone a hard time for their choice to wear or not wear a mask. My health is my responsibility so I will do what I think is best for me, which sometimes means I stay home (LOL, most of the time!). Curbside pickup is my friend.

I'm a thinker - and many times an over-thinker. I ponder life a lot... what I did right, what I did wrong, what I want to do, and many other things. I think about stuff to write about and then when I sit down to do it, the words won't come or they sound so ridiculous that I just tell myself, "You can't say that!" and I move on. Many times I think about past decades and the events that have helped shape my life. All I can do is apologize for where I've failed people... God, my children, my friends, and even myself. I think the person who has the hardest time forgiving me is me. 

My goal for the future is to do better.

Summer... almost over

Just a few random thoughts...

It's nearly time to go back to work. For me, that means secretary at a local elementary school (5th and 6th graders). I have enjoyed this time with Isaiah and being able to get a lot done in the new house. My yard is still a mess (I'm really not a gardener!) and there are still things I want to do in here, but I've run out of time.

My foreign exchange student arrives August 12. I'm excited. Her bedroom is nearly put together and I'm working on a welcome basket for her. I've started with some art supplies (her mom said she'd love them) and will include a t-shirt and items with the school's mascot on them. I'm also adding some toiletries and monogrammed washcloth and hand towel. I got her a special Scentsy warmer (the cutest ice cream cone - https://scentedjoy.scentsy.us/Buy/ProductDetails/37823) for her room, added a pink lava lamp, and some other decorative touches. I hope she likes it. I think she will. Her mom was thrilled with it.

I just got back from a fun-filled weekend with an old friend. LOL - she's only a couple of months older than me but we've been friends for 50 years!!! That is an "old" friend! We saw Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede. It was pretty good and very clean entertainment. The food was OK - not great, but not too bad, either. I thought the scenery and the story line was decent. We saw the son of Erich Brenn, who was the original "plate spinner" on the Ed Sullivan Show. He said his dad is now 98 and in good health. The son did some juggling acts and also did the plate spinning act. It was well-done and we enjoyed it.

I'm still working on getting myself healthier. I want to live as long as God intends for me to live, and not a second less. That means I have to get in control of the things that I CAN control and quit letting things slide. I'm sure there are times He just shakes his head and marks off my timeline. :)

Tonight, Amy signed us up for an Arbonne party. Not too sure about that, but I'll listen. Supposedly, she's going to concentrate on the stuff to help flush our systems of junk and help us get healthier. We shall see. I already know I don't like the taste of their meal replacement shakes. Not. at. all. I've tried vanilla and chocolate. I HAVE to have something that I can mix with coffee. I don't like the cold shakes and I always start my day with coffee. Always.

Saturday, we're having an Agnes & Dora party. My sister and my niece both sell (and, I'm going to sign up as well - just not sure when) and I fell in love with the clothes. Since Velata is going out of business in August, and since Scentsy really isn't my thing, A&D just might be the next step for me.

I'm fixing Stouffer's lasagna for supper tonight. I know it's cheating a bit, but since the Arbonne lady will be here at 6:30, I needed something fast. This works. We're also having garlic bread and salad. Anna doesn't like lasagna so she'll get something else. Not sure what but something.

Off to do what I need to do today...

Here I am - AGAIN!

Well, life has certainly taken its share of twists and turns in the past couple of years. After leaving Hospira last year, I thought I'd be doing just fine with substitute teaching. Then, my son's life got turned upside down by his (not-so-lovely) soon-to-be ex-wife. Needless to say, she was not what she portrayed to us and she has done a lot of things that shocked us and left us very sad. I feel very sorry for my poor grandchildren and can only pray they come out unscathed. It's a struggle.

After needing to help out my son, I ended up going back to work as a school secretary. It's pretty laid-back, low stress, and helps make ends meet. I'm good with that. I started that job in January and worked the rest of the school year. We get seven weeks off and resume on July 25.

During the time off, I moved. I didn't think I'd ever move from my little duplex. But, my daughter and her husband bought a large house on 7.5 acres and asked me if I wanted to move out here. We call it a "farm-ette" because of the size and it has room for animals. In fact, we have 25 chickens and two goats. The chickens are for the eggs and the goats are for the grass. There are also four guinea hens in residence and three rabbits (I think it's the same three - I see them all the time). I have about 1500 sq feet of space (two bedrooms, two bathrooms, living room, kitchen, dining, room), a one-car garage, and share the full basement. Amy's side of the house (about 2,000 sq ft) has three bedrooms, two bathrooms, living room, bonus room, kitchen, dining room, and garage. In the basement, we have another bedroom (Isaiah's), a bathroom, a very large family room area (it's currently unfinished except for walls and ceiling), two mechanical rooms, a "utility" room for the freezers, and two other finished rooms. One of these is a guest bedroom and the other will be the craft room. We're all very excited and loving it. I've been here two weeks and Amy's family has been here since Memorial Day. My Murphy bed was going there but it won't make the turn to go down the stairs, so my youngest son (who also just bought a house) will take it for his second bedroom.

Also, this spring was the arrival of a great-granddaughter, Koralyne (pronounced Cora-line) Leigh Hick. Faith is her mom and the daughter of Ron's oldest, Stacey. I know that Ron would be beyond thrilled to see and hold this little baby. Faith has an older daughter, too.

On another note, someone told me one time that babies and animals can sense or see angels. I set up an end table in my new living room with a picture of my parents on it (I've never had this picture out before). Seth walked right up and started talking to it. He has said "hi" to the picture every time he has come into my living room. Anna said, "Seth is talking to those people we don't know." I laughed and told her they were my parents and she knew GiGi (the kids' name for my mom) before she died. I told Amy about it and she asked him where GiGi was. He pointed right to my mom's picture. She's been gone since September 2012 and my dad since September 2005.





















I'd seen a cardinal around here a couple of times while I was moving in. That pretty much solidified the thought that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing.

My goal is to get back into the blogging routine while I work on doing what I need to be doing for me. I need to get back into writing so I don't lose my touch. LOL - as if I ever had one!

Ciao for now!

My New Normal and a Contest (of sorts)

It's now been 20 months since Ron passed died. (Why is it so hard to write "died" in a sentence? I wanted to say "left me" but that implies he's still out there somewhere, just not with me. Is "died" such a harsh word that I don't want to say it, or because I don't want others to think I'm heartless to say "died" instead of "passed"? No matter what I say, it doesn't change the fact that he's been gone from this earth for nearly two years.) It's hard to believe that he's been gone this long, and other times I feel like it's been much longer. I still miss him and cherish the memories that we created, but I'm ready to move on (mostly - some days are definite "why me" days and I jealously want him back).

I was thinking the other day how glad I am that Ron isn't here to see the condition of the world. He had such a compassionate heart and he would physically hurt for others. Knowing about the senseless acts of terrorism, he would have been heartbroken and wondered how he could help.  (And, the cowardice on the part of the attackers would have him steaming - because what kind of men attack defenseless individuals? Real men don't attack unarmed and defenseless individuals. Period.)  Ron had such a big heart for others that he (literally) would give the coat off his back, gloves off his hands, and the scarf around his neck to someone else if he saw a need.

Since I haven't worked full-time in nearly a year, I don't have a lot of money. But, I woke up this morning in a warm bed, with my warm blanket tucked in around me. When I turned on the faucet in my sink, clean water came pouring out. In the kitchen, I flipped on my coffee maker and enjoyed a cup of coffee (my breakfast of choice). I enjoyed my coffee in the living room (relaxing on my sofa) while I watched the news on the television. Since my environment was a little chilly, I turned up the thermostat and my furnace kicked on, warming my space. So, I may not have a LOT when compared to some, but I have TONS more than others. Like Ron, I've always tried to take care of the needs of others and when I'm aware of something, I do my best to look for a solution. My grandchildren may not get much from me this year, but they all have parents who dearly love them and who are financially able to provide nice gifts for them. What I give is just extras, anyway and I'm not even always sure they know something came from me.

I've been wracking my brain trying to think of a way I could help someone, somewhere, and make a difference for that person. Ron would want to do something, too. With that in mind, I decided I'd like to offer a sort of contest... Like I said, I don't have a lot of money but I'd like to see what someone would do, and what someone could do, to help someone else using $50. I'd like for you to share this with anyone you know who would be willing to let me know what they'd do with the money and how it would benefit someone else. I will choose a winner by December 15. The winner will also get a monetary reward to be used any way he/she feels.

Post comments below or send responses to tgw2@cox.net (actually, I'd like to see here and in my email so I have everything in one place). This contest is open to all ages in the Continental US. I will need a valid mailing address to mail the reward to. It will be in the form of a Visa gift card.

It's a new day

I don’t usually dream about Ron. I think about him and I miss him – and I even “talk” to him. But to say that he’s in my dreams would not be totally accurate. In the 10 months since his death, I’ve probably only dreamt of him a handful of times. So, when people say that their dearly-departed comforts them in their dreams, or they see “signs” that this person is still with them, I’m skeptical at best and jealous at times. Do I want to see that special sign, feel that soft caress, or hear those special words of endearment... You bet I do. I miss those things just as much as the next person.

I managed to make it through our anniversary month and my birthday (both in August) and the holidays. I kept myself busy over Thanksgiving (went to visit a friend) and Christmas. Amy and Rex were good about including me in their plans and I went to the farm with them again this year. My sister wanted to go to Walt Disney World to celebrate her 50th birthday and I decided that was a wonderful thing to do as it would get me away for Ron’s birthday (which is one day before hers). We had a “Magical” time and it was a great stress reliever. As it gets closer to Valentine’s Day (our last meal together) and the one-year anniversary, I find myself getting more and more “antsy” and stressed. I’m not focusing on the things I need to focus on.

During the past 10 months, I’ve been up and I’ve been down. I’ve taken some time to deal with the stress of being in this new situation and “thought” I’d come back to be stronger than before. As I made my way through the holidays and the situations without Ron, I realized that I needed to step back again from this life and re-evaluate. Financially, I’m not independently wealthy and I don’t have tons in savings. Can I make ends meet without a job? For a few months, but I need to have some kind of income. Do I need the stress associated with my current job? No, I don’t. Because I’m not adequately dealing with everything else, I don’t think I’m doing as good of a job here as I should be doing. I don’t want to jeopardize my reputation so decided that I’d take an early semi-retirement.

I’ve never been in a situation where it was just me. Yes, my kids love me and my grandkids are awesome. But, when the lights go out at night and the day is done, it’s just me alone with my thoughts. Who am I? What have I done in this life that is a positive impact on others? (That’s a rhetorical question; not looking for answers.) Besides taking care of Ron, what have I accomplished that wasn’t selfish on my part? Am I leaving behind good memories, tangible evidence that I cared about others, or what? What do I want to do with myself that will be better for those around me? I don’t know but I do know that I need to find out.

So, I’m saying good-bye to Corporate America – at least in the full-time sense. I need to work some hours but can afford to take a little break and look around. One goal is to get my fingerprints and background check on file with the school system as I’d like to substitute teach. There’s a little coffee shop in town that I thought I’d go apply for some part-time hours. I love coffee and thought this would be a fun outlet for me. I have a few “work from home” contacts (for legitimate jobs) and thought I’d check into some of those opportunities. My brothers would (and probably will) think I’m crazy. If I had tons of money invested, it “might” be OK but since I don’t, I “should” probably continue plodding along in the status quo until I can start drawing social security (in 18 months, I’m eligible to draw about 75% of Ron’s and then once I reach full retirement age I can compare mine to his and draw the largest). But, for my own sanity – I cannot wait until September 2016. Because of my outside stress, I’ve had “frustration” evident in some conversations and messages – things that aren’t horrible, but things I’m not proud of and aren’t my typical fashion. To pre-empt any future embarrassment on my part, I know I have to do something now.

Which leads me back to the first paragraph. I had a very vivid dream about Ron. I don’t go to the cemetery too often because it just bothers me to go. He’s not “there” and I can talk to him anywhere. But I was at the cemetery and looking down at his marker. Suddenly, I felt that someone was behind me so I turned to look over my shoulder and saw Ron. He was dressed in black – but not a somber, funeral black; more like a “spiffy” black (black and red were his favorite colors) and he was very vibrant and more “him” than he’d been in years (if that makes sense). I immediately started to cry because I missed him so much. He looked at me and smiled and said I was beautiful. He told me that everything was OK and would continue to be OK. He told me it was time for me to move forward and to do whatever I needed to do for me. I’d already done all I could do for him.

So, I’m going to take his advice and move forward. I gave my notice and my last day here is January 30. I’m not sure what my future holds, and I know that healing will continue as time goes on. Ron is surely watching over me and encouraging me to find my place, wherever that may be.

Contemplating life

There are definitely days when it's a struggle to just exist and you think a lot about death. This is one of those days. Heck, it's been one of those weekends. It will be seven months tomorrow. I had to actually stop and think about how long it had been. Hard to believe that he's actually gone and then there are days when it slaps me upside the head. I had to admit to myself (finally) that I couldn't have done anything differently. Ron killed himself just as surely as if he'd pulled a trigger. He just chose to do it more slowly and a piece at a time, taking me and his children along for the ride. That wasn't very fair of him. That is harsh. But, sometimes reality is harsh. He always thought he wouldn't live to be any older than his father had been when he died, but he failed to take into consideration that his dad was a heavy smoker and he died from emphysema and lung cancer. He sabotaged his own life to live "down" to those expectations.

It worked, except he lived nine years longer than his dad did.

Now, I'm faced with cleaning up the emotional mess that was left behind and I'm not doing a very good job of it. I was thinking about my life here and how long I've lived here. It will be 31 years in January. I was thinking about how many "friends" I've made through the years and who I could call on if I needed someone. I came up with no one. N.O. O.N.E. (Except for two of my children.) That is sad. Oh, I have people I consider as being my friend, but I don't know that I'm their friend. You know, someone they invite places, call to chat, drop by for coffee/tea/etc., or invite to their house for the same. I am lonely. Spending every Saturday and Sunday like a hermit is not necessarily fun. Crashing Amy's house isn't always convenient for her (she just had a baby last week) or fair to them.

I hear from one son and my daughter (and son-in-law) on a regular basis. The rest? Not so much. I paid Faith to take me to get my eye surgery. Amy was too busy and it would have been an inconvenience to her, and no one else stepped forward to volunteer so I asked Faith and told her I'd pay her. I know that she would have taken me without money and she is one person I don't mind paying; she's working part-time and going to school full-time.

Yeah, I'm having a bad day and a bit of a pity party. BDD. Deal with it. Sometimes life is very tiring and I'm not always certain that what's left is really worth it. I want to give up and not get out of bed some days. Then I remember those who take time out of their lives for me and the beautiful grandchildren that I have, and I know that I'll keep plugging away at surviving until I have overcome the darkness that threatens to engulf me.

Rule #1 for Widows

There are no rules. 

 

The grief process is different for every single person. It doesn’t matter how old or young you are. It doesn’t matter if you were married 5 months, 5 years, or 50 years. Once that spouse is cut from your life, no matter the circumstances, a piece of your existence has also been chopped off. You could have lost your spouse to a tragic, quick accident or due to a long and drawn out illness. Neither one of these affect how long the grief process will last.

 

You may be fine today and hear a song on the radio that will reduce you to tears. You may be totally sad one minute and happy the next. Whatever. Go with it. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotion that you feel. Anger. Resentment. Loss. Sadness. Happiness. Contentment. Anger (sometimes there is a lot of anger over the situation). Tears. Laughter. Good memories.  Feel them all, and then work through them. If you need alone time, take it. If you need to talk to someone (or to listen to someone), do it.

 

Don’t allow your feelings to consume you. Don’t close yourself off from friends and family who love you. They probably don’t know what to say or how to help, but even if they have nothing at all to offer except their presence, take it. 

 

If you need help with everyday chores, ask someone who has been there for help. Not sure about finances? Look into a financial advisor (my Edward Jones advisor is fantastic; find one you trust). Do you have a life insurance policy for yourself? I thought “I” was the owner on ours since it had been mine before we were married; somehow it got converted into Ron being the owner so I had to do the application process all over again. Do you have a will? If you don’t have one, you can always find documents online (depends on the state you live in) to create one yourself. If you have a complicated estate, or minor children, I recommend you contacting an attorney who specializes in estates and trust planning. 

 

How about home repair and maintenance? Luckily, I’m a renter (we did the home ownership thing before Ron’s health got so bad and then we became renters) so my landlord takes care of those issues for me. Do you have maintenance agreements on your appliances? I’m not sure how I feel about those; my mother-in-law swore by them but unless you have them serviced annually to make sure they’re in good working shape, I’m not sure they’re of added value. (Just my personal opinion.)

 

Car repair and maintenance?  My husband took care of our cars for years and then he no longer could. We found a reputable mechanic we trusted and started taking our vehicle there for repair and maintenance. Good maintenance, and tire maintenance, will save you lots of money down the road. This is one area I do recommend extended warranties for. I had a fairly new minivan one time and purchased the extended warranty. Six weeks later the transmission went out. A year later, it went out again. The extended warranty paid for itself at least twice. 

 

Eating... This is my biggest failure. I’ve gotten into a rut where I quit cooking for myself. Cereal is good. It’s a food group. It’s OK. Right? Not really...