You know, life just shouldn't be this tough...

As some of you know, Ron is back in the hospital. He's in congestive heart failure this time. At least it's not his kidneys, too - right? I knew he was going downhill for a couple of weeks. Told him, even, that I thought he was heading toward a medical issue. He knew, too. We doubled up his Lasix and he got muscle cramps in his arms and legs, so I cut it back. I'd just started doubling it again when he went to the doctor yesterday. I knew he needed to be in the hospital and I guess they did, too.

Living just shouldn't be this hard for people. You'd think...

I did have a discussion with him the other night about assisted living/skilled nursing care. On the one hand, I'm sure there are a lot of people in skilled nursing care who are in better shape than Ron is. But, can he really take care of himself? Not really - so would he qualify for skilled nursing care? I'm not sure. I don't want him to go into a nursing home situation until he absolutely has to. Could he manage assisted living? That's kind what he has with me now and it's not working out so well. So...

I think we might be at that place. And, I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that I might feel guilty...

• Guilty that "I" put him there
• Guilty that I might be relieved that I don't have to do it all alone anymore (the day-to-day stuff)
• Guilty that I gave up
• Guilty that I won't be the one to find him - you know - not breathing
• Guilty that I won't have to make the decision on what to do with him or for him
• Guilty for being relieved for not having to dread what I'd find when I got home from work
• Guilty for not being "there" for him all the time

He asked me last night if when I "put him someplace," if he could take his lift chair and his TV.  I don't want him to think that "I" am putting him someplace. I do worry that what ever I find for him, that he won't have enough visitors to keep him from feeling like he's been put away. I'm not worried about Keith and Amy visiting (or me), but is that enough to keep him from being lonely and feeling like his family has tossed him aside? He asked me how soon I was going to do it. Well... it can't happen overnight but I would really like to see him settled soon. This up and down, back and forth, etc., with his health issues are wearing me down and out. I told Amy today that the stress of it all would kill me but there is plenty of life insurance to take care of him. (I wonder what my blood pressure is right now...hmmm)

I have an appointment with an attorney tomorrow to discuss separation of assets. I don't have a lot, but I have a little inheritance from my mom, a small IRA, and my 401k at work. Technically, Ron is entitled to half of that. The attorney said it would cost me upwards of $2,000 but he thinks he can get Ron qualified for Medicaid, preserve those accounts, and also preserve some of his income for me. That would be nice because, quite frankly, if I have to pay for this out of my pocket, I'll be on the streets in less than a year. That's not a bluff or made for shock value. I've done the math. Although I was never great at algebra or geometry, but I can do addition and subtraction very well and I can't make that scenario work for very long.

Back to the "guilt" thing... 

And, another anniversary is here...

Not one that any of us wish we had... September 11, 2001. It's been 12 years and sentiments are still as strong now as they were then. Instead of re-writing something, I'll just reference what I wrote in 2008.  If you want to read it, you can go here:

Where were you?

I re-read what I wrote and I couldn't do it any better today than I did then. Have we learned anything in these 12 years? I'm not sure. Terrorism is still alive and well in many parts of the world. Muslim extremists are still murdering innocent people every day - sometimes their own countrymen, women, and children.

It's truly sad and I just have no words to express the depth of feeling and sadness I feel for the victims.

It's been 29 years...

Twenty-nine years ago today, I married my best friend. I didn't know then quite the ride I'd be taking, but I'm certainly glad that I "signed up" for it! We've had our ups and downs (just like every other married couple out there), our good times and our bad. But, we've always had each other's back in everything that we've done.

I bought Ron a new watch. He has trouble seeing the hands on the dials so I got one that has white hands on a black dial. Amy thought it was ugly but it's L.E.G.I.B.L.E. and that is all that matters. Plus, it was on sale! I got it for nearly 50% off. I almost gave it to him this morning but decided I'd wait until tonight. I don't want him to do anything silly like order flowers (they cost too darn much money!) because he wasn't able to get out and purchase something. It used to matter that he take the time to think of me and put some thought/effort into a gift (birthday, Christmas, anniversary, etc.) because I really put a lot of thought and effort into everything that I got for him, but now it just doesn't have that importance. I know he'd go buy something if he could and that is all that matters. Last year, he got me a gift card to my favorite local coffee house and that was perfect. This year, I don't even need that. He doesn't put up any kind of fuss when I want to do something and that is a gift all by itself. A lot of spouses (both men and women) carry on terribly when the other wants to do something. Ron's not like that and I'm thankful.

I'm thankful that I've had 29 years with him and hope that we're still kicking when it's time to celebrate 30!

A blast from the past... literally

I was cleaning out some boxes of things to put away in my new cabinet in my craft room/guest bedroom and came across an old(ish) newspaper clipping. I laid it down on the desk and pretty much forgot about it. Oh, I read it and remembered the article quite clearly, as it had featured Ron and I. What struck me was the date of the clipping. August 15, 1991. Since today is the 22^nd anniversary of that date, I decided that I would share it with you.

Background…

The local newspaper used to have a place in their “Celebrations” section where people could be profiled as a love story and was usually reserved for people who’d been married for a long time. (They still have the Celebrations section, but people pay to put announcements in there. It’s no longer considered news to be added by the paper. LOL!) I don’t remember the details, but I must have sent them a little tidbit of information and we were picked to tell our story. We went down to the paper to have our picture taken and a reporter did a little interview.

The result was this article. I had to laugh at the timing of me finding it. Oh, my glasses are pretty funny, too. I had more hair then. Darn it. I wonder where all that hair went. Ron looked good. He’s been so unhealthy for such a long time that it’s nice to see a picture of him looking good. At the same time, it’s a little sad. I know he’s still there but sometimes I forget that.

Our 29^th wedding anniversary is next week. I wasn’t sure we’d make it this far and often wonder if this will be our last one. But, I’ve wondered that before and we’re both still hanging in there.

One day at a time… Just one day at a time.

It's (a wet) Hump Day!

We have had so much rain here lately that my yard has been suitable for ducks. It needs to be mowed (maybe a thrashing machine would be more appropriate!) but I don't think it's going to dry out anytime soon for it to be mowed. My poor yard man! He's going to have his work cut out for him, that's for sure.

I've got a whole bunch of nothing going on these days. Ron is good, I am good, life is good. Can't complain about a thing. LOL - that's a novel idea, isn't it? There for a while I found it hard to find anything good to write about. While I'm sure it wasn't always pleasant reading what I wrote, writing it did help me keep my sanity. I'm sure some would argue that I did lose it and I surely need "help" but, I would beg to differ. The writing was my therapy. Oh sure - I still get worried about things, I continue to worry about Ron (he's doing quite well right now), I still sometimes overly stress about things I shouldn't. But, that is the way things go and I probably always will. I'm like the kid who wants everyone to like him/her. I don't like to not know what I can do to make things better and I usually end up making things worse. So, I have to just learn to take things in stride and not worry over things (and people) that I very obviously can't change.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to Atlanta for the Thirty-One Gifts National Convention. I had a blast! I was one of about 16,000 people there and just enjoyed the whole experience. I'd never been to anything like that before, so it was a very new experience. I did have a lot of balance problems (too much movement around me, poor lighting, etc.) but I had several ladies in my group who made sure that I didn't fall. I was so blessed.

Here are a couple of the pictures that were taken of me:

I let myself be in several other pictures but since they include other individuals, I didn't want to post them here without their permission.

Insurance woes?

I've found that this year has been the most difficult one for us with regard to filing insurance claims. It wasn't this difficult in years past. Is it because Ron has Medicare and a Medicare Supplement (Humana) - and has my employer-provided insurance, too? Is it because I have not only my employer-provided, but also Boeing retiree benefit insurance (this is a great policy and only $10 per month!)?  I don't know what it is, but when I got the information below I decided it was helpful information and that I'd provide it here. If you have any questions be sure to go to the link below.

Filing an insurance claim, be it health, car, home insurance, or workers comp, is exhausting and no doubt a daunting task especially for those who have never done it before. Most people are intimidated to do so not only because of utter lack of information, but just the amount of work - tons of paperwork, a lot of going back and forth with different people, long frustrating hours on the phone - will just about send anyone running for the hills. Well, it shouldn't be like that. If you have all the necessary information to back you up and if you know the correct person to talk to, then it wouldn’t be as complicated as it needs to be. Myclaimsource.com is an open resource for consumers looking for information on how to file a claim. You will find insurance providers’ contact information - phone, email address, mailing address, and website address listed on the site, tips and tricks, even discounts certain providers offer. The site also aims to be an open forum to connect those looking to file claims with people who already have, and who may be able to offer tips and advice on claim filing with a given provider. Drop by anytime and find the information you need on filing a claim. Hopefully, http://www.myclaimsource.com" will be able to help individuals make an informed decision and make the no-fun task of filing insurance claims a little easier.

Life is like that...

You can please some of the people some of the time but you can't please all of the people all of the time. And... you can't please some people no matter how hard you try.

Update on my main squeeze

Ron's doing pretty good. His potassium went down to 5.0 with the "acute care" treatment he got, but as soon as they stopped those medications it went right back up to 5.2. The doctor came in and we talked quite a bit. He's going to do some further testing - wants to check him for Addison's disease and other adrenal gland problems. They did a 24-hour urine collection and that testing showed the potassium is mainly coming from outside sources. That could mean medication and the only thing he's currently on that can increase potassium is Benicar (for high blood pressure). So, he's stopped that drug and increased the dosage of his other blood pressure medication.

In addition, he prescribed kayexalate oral medication, which is another drug that binds the potassium and flushes out of the body, in the form of "solid" waste. Ron wanted to come home because he's feeling better, but Doc said if he went home today at 5.2 he'd be back in the ER by Sunday or Monday at 5.7 or higher. He wants to get the potassium level below 5.0 and would prefer closer to 4.0. He did say the creatinine was going down, so that's another good sign. (I told Ron that it's not like we were going somewhere - we didn't have any plans that needed to be canceled. Sitting there and watching TV or sitting at home watching TV - not much difference...)

He says that Ron has Stage III kidney disease now. I think he's been in Stage III for quite a while. At Stage IV, they recommend dialysis. Ron says he won't do dialysis. We'll see... :) I can be very persuasive.

He was complaining that he wanted the IV out, he wanted the heart monitor off, he wanted blah, blah, blah... LOL - I finally told him to quit his bitching and that he wasn't the only person this affected when he was in the hospital or sick. That did shut him up and he apologized. I don't mean to be snarky with him, but this is exhausting to me, too.

I only stayed about three hours today but I'm so tired I can't see straight. I needed to do some housework, yard work, and laundry and the only thing I've managed to do is two loads of laundry. My house needs some TLC but I don't think it's going to be from me today! My herbs are growing and my tomato plants are growing, too. I have flowers in pots in the front of the house and they're doing quite well. I bought two more pots but too tired to do anything with them. Maybe tomorrow...

If the tests go well, and the potassium continues to go down, I expect Ron will come home tomorrow afternoon or Monday morning.

Well... it's that time AGAIN!

And what time might that be? Hospital time, of course!

Ron's managed to stay out of the hospital for a grand total of 18 weeks. That's 4.5 months. Doesn't sound like a long time, does it? It doesn't feel like one, either. In the 4.5 months that he's been home he's fallen three times (a couple of them could have been bad) and not felt too great overall.

He's in the hospital now because his potassium level was dangerously high. It's down some today but they're doing a 24-hour kidney function test since they think he's had too much trouble with his potassium lately. He doesn't drink more than the specified amount of liquids in a day, we stay away from the "known" high potassium foods (bananas, tomatoes, asparagus, broccoli, potatoes, etc.) as much as possible, and he's eating healthier at home (when he feels like eating). He doesn't "go" very much and it's really hard for him to get the job started and to finish. I frequently have to ask if he's OK in there. His blood pressure medication was changed (again) in January but that was after his last potassium problem. I'm not sure what the culprit is this time. Maybe his kidneys have finally decided they're done.

In addition to his regular problems, he's been having problems with his mouth, throat, and esophagus. He says they feel like they're on fire. He says he's having trouble swallowing and feels like food gets stuck half-way down. The doctor has scheduled an endoscope test for next week.

I feel like all I ever have to say is something negative. Or, I sound jaded and calloused. I'm not. I'm more tired of anything else and I feel guilty for being tired of this whole process.

Undercover Boss

We've been watching Undercover Boss just about ever since it started on the television. We've missed a few episodes but usually get them either on reruns or record to watch later.  The last couple of weeks have been looking at employees who were "Wow!" either in a bad way or a good way, and then bosses who have made a difference.

I recorded the show featuring the bosses and watched it today. I have to say the ones they profiled were episodes that I did watch and the bosses were really good. Some of the undercover outfits were hilarious (and I wondered how they ever pulled it off!) and I loved the looks on the faces when their real names/positions were revealed.

I think I was most impressed with Stephen Cloobeck of Diamond International Resorts. He actually did two undercover episodes (only one to do this) and although he is a stern employer, he was also the most generous to those he worked with. I was quite impressed. The world needs more bosses like him. Compassion for others is something you either are born with or not. You can't teach it.

He seems to have a lot of compassion of his employees and I was impressed to watch him.