Ramblings from the mind of a tired person

I am, in a word, exhausted…

I took Ron to see our family doctor on Monday and she referred him to a gastroenterologist. We saw that doctor on Tuesday. Ron had to swallow a capsule containing little B-B-type things and on Sunday, he’ll get an x-ray of his colon to see how many are still in his system. Then, on the 9th he’ll have a colonoscopy to determine if he’s got anything growing there that he shouldn’t have. Not sure how long before we get test results back on those. Dr. Alvarado’s office called today to say his thyroid function was a bit down, so they’ve called in another medication for him to take. What’s one more anyway, when you already take 10-12 per day???

I guess I still have a Vitamin D deficiency; I’ve been on over-the-counter medication for a while now and it doesn’t seem to be doing the trick, so I get a new medication, too. Oh joy… I can hardly wait.

The hole in Ron’s right foot is not healing. It looks like someone has sliced down into the meat of his foot about an inch. That doesn’t sound like much, but it sure looks like a LOT when you’ve got a hold of the foot and you’re looking directly into the hole. Ron goes back to see Dr. Heady on November 4th. I don’t think he’ll be too happy with how it looks. The callous is growing over the hole, but the hole itself is not healing. We really cannot afford physically, emotionally, or financially for Ron to have any more surgery on that foot or for the wound vac to be put back on. I think Ron would refuse and I can’t say that I would blame him. We’ve already been five months trying to get this to heal. He’s not walking much at all – mostly just around the house – so it’s not like he could stay off of it much more than he already is.

On November 16, Ron sees a neurologist to determine what can be done, if anything, to help stop the tremors. Even when he is resting, you can frequently look at him and see his whole body twitching; some days it is worse than others. I will sometimes just put my hand over his and hold onto it, hoping, I think, that the pressure of my hand will stop the movement. It usually doesn’t but sometimes I feel that I just have to do something. It’s all so depressing. Last night, I woke up to him squeezing on my arm, so I asked him what he needed. He wanted to know why I was waking him up; he didn’t know he was twitching enough that it felt like he was squeezing me. He is very depressed over the whole situation. There are a couple of class action lawsuits against the makers of the medications he took that have been proven to cause these tremors, but because he has so much other stuff wrong with him, no attorney will take the case. So, others with fewer symptoms will get compensated but he will probably just get worse and worse until he can no longer do anything for himself.

Ron is pretty depressed and upset right now that people he believed cared about him don’t pick up the phone and call or come by to see him. Some of them have said “well, he can call us if he needs anything” but they just don’t get it – he can’t see the numbers on the phone (they blur as he tries to concentrate on them) and his fingers don’t often hit the right numbers when he’s trying to dial. Even on his cell phone, which is easy to use, he’ll frequently hit 2-3 numbers at the same time and the wrong one will register. He is not supposed to drive, so he can’t go visit. Even if he could drive, he can’t walk far enough unaided to get into a house or up stairs. Whatever happened to people visiting shut-ins? Am I just expecting too much from people – people in the ministry whose JOB it is to minister to those in need? If someone could tell me that I’m out of line, I’ll concede and move on. I’ve mentioned to more than one person – people who are in touch with ministers and lay persons who visit the sick – that Ron would really love to have someone come visit him during the day to pray with him or read the Bible to him. What kind of response have I gotten? None – no one – zip – nada. My next phone call may be to the Mormons because I know they’ll visit and read the Bible to him.

This all kind of sounds like I’m whining – and I guess I am. I don’t know if it goes with the territory or if I’m just being difficult. Lord knows, he doesn’t want to be in this situation any more than I want him (or I) to be in it. He said the other day that he really feels like he’s going downhill and he doesn’t know how to stop it. I am so numb to everything that I don’t even know how to react to something any more. I think I have to stay back just a step so I don’t have a nervous breakdown thinking about all the stuff that’s wrong with him. I don’t want him to think I don’t care, but I’m to the point that I don’t need to hear about every new pain he’s got, or that his hands are stiffer, or that he can’t grip something, or that when he tries to hold a fork he gets spasms up his arm. I just don’t know how to deal with all of it. TMI! TMI! TMI! (just kidding…)

I don’t like the position that I’m in any more than I like the position that he is in. I feel a tremendous burden and weight on my shoulders with all that I’m responsible for. My house is a mess (I’m too tired or too busy to clean) and I just look at it, then go into the bedroom and shut the door. No one is really cleaning. Everyone picks up, but no one is really cleaning. My back can't stand the heavy stuff like moping and running the sweeper so Amy will run the sweeper but no one dusts unless it’s me. LeCole is busy doing endless loads of laundry (LOL - I don't remember ever doing that many clothes during a week but I guess I did since I had three at home) and will sweep some if Amy's not home. I usually clean the hall bathroom but I can’t even begin to say when someone has last mopped. When I go into the kitchen, I’m usually picking up dishes, loading or unloading the dishwasher, cleaning off the counter, turning out lights, clearing stuff off the table, taking out trash, etc. There is always something to pick up and put away.

This ended up being way longer than I intended – but I did say “ramblings” in the title. I promise, my next post will be much lighter and I’ll be in better humor. This is the only place I have where I can vent. I can leave it here and move on because I’ve got it off my chest. I do spend a lot of time talking to the Father about my troubles and I know that He has me securely in the palm of His hands, and He will guide me through. I know that with the very core of my being, but there are those times when I’m still very much a selfish human and want to get out from under the troubles and move on to better pastures.