Sometimes...

When you can't - or refuse to - cry for yourself, it's good to watch a sappy show that makes those tears just roll on out. I watched two things tonight that I had previously recorded and both of them got the water works primed, pumped, and flowing.

The first was What Not to Wear from one night last week or maybe early this week... The recipient was a 32 year old who had been diagnosed with breast cancer at 28. She'd had a double mastectomy and had elected to not do reconstructive surgery. She was awesome and such an inspiration to me. If she can suck it up and go on with life then there is no excuse for me to not put out more effort.

The second was Biggest Loser from this past Tuesday. These people are struggling with some of the same issues and feelings that I have struggled with for so long and to see them break through and change their lives is such a wonderful thing to see. I don't always like the people as they are being portrayed on the show (Mike - he's one I have wanted to smack more than once) but I can feel their pain and I understand their needs and that they are crying out for help. I can empathize with them in the changes they are going through - and they're not just physical changes but emotional and mental changes as well.

I don't let my emotions get the better of me very often and I rarely let others see tears. My dad always said it was a sign of weakness and being "thin skinned" and he would punish us if he saw us cry. For that reason, I would rather crawl into a corner and hide than to let anyone see me break. God is trying to break down those walls and to make me realize that I need to show others that I am vulnerable and that I have feelings, too. I hid them for so long that I gave off the impression to many that I was cold and uncaring; that was so far from the truth that it's laughable. I was just protecting myself with thick, thick walls.

I will still continue to protect myself and I can't say that the walls will ever come down completely. I may shed a tear now and then, but I'll do my darnedest to stop the water before it starts. I can't run with the big dogs if I'm crying and carrying on or feeling sorry for myself.

Tonight I read Ron some entries from Eva's blog. She's one that I read often but I don't post; she gets so many comments on her blog and she doesn't need any more to try and wade through. Her condition and strength make what we're going through seem like child's play and when I really need a dose of reality, I go check in on people who have it much worse than I do.

Today was discouraging but tomorrow will be better; I'll put on my big girl britches, suck it up, and have a better day.

That's the plan anyway.