Tonight, I did lose it...

i lost what was left of my mind and i feel like a total ass. i made my husband cry. you'll all have to forgive my lack of proper punctuation (ack! from a professional writer at that!) because i am past the point of caring about upper and lower case letters tonight.

we are desperately trying to figure out a way to remain part of the "non-homeless" crowd. as such, i am looking at smaller and much less expensive houses closer to where i work. closer would be good for more than one reason, one of which being that i could go home for lunch and make sure that ron is doing ok. one other reason would be less gasoline to get him to take to and from his many appointments.

i made an appointment for this evening at 5:30 to go see four houses on my list of ones that i wanted to see. it is easily a 20 minute drive from my house to the first one on the list. i was almost there when the realtor called me to say he thought we should cancel because of bad weather moving through the area. i have no problem with the fact that he wanted to cancel; i do take issue with the fact that he waited until that late to call me. the weather predictions for this afternoon has been the same ALL DAY. bad weather was predicted for this afternoon early this morning. he could have called at any point during the day to see about rescheduling. i was not happy but i do understand; i would not want to take my family out in tornado warning/watch weather either.

while i was gone, ron decided that he just had to have the crank radio that is out in the garage in case the power went out. he could take himself to the basement if needed (sliding down the stairs to the bottom and then walking to the safe room) and take a flashlight (we keep one by his chair) with him. instead of walking DOWN the ramp like any sane person would do, he decided to step OFF the ramp at about mid-way down and promptly fell. HARD. the lawn mower landed on top of him - how i'm not sure but it did. he cut his left leg, his left thigh, his knee, his elbow, his forearm, and hurt his hip. so, i came home to a bruised and bleeding person who should have known better than to try and get the radio. yes, i see why he thought it was imperative that he get it. no, he did not see the "what if" factor - what if he didn't get the radio, a tornado came and blew the house away; he'd be downstairs and darn well would have known. what if he hurt himself when he fell and a tornado came - he'd be on the floor of the garage INSTEAD of the basement when the house was blown away. i think i would have gone with the first option myself, but then i've often been accused of dwelling too much on the what if factors in life.

i clean up his wounds, get him bandaged, and do my household chores. laundry, unloading/loading the dishwasher, trash, etc. i was working on something from work (trying to catch up a little so i didn't lose 5 hours of pay today) and got a phone call. bless him, he puts the television on mute and pauses it so i won't lose what i was watching. once my call is finished, i asked him to unpause it and unmute it. he gets the 'play' button hit, but instead of the mute button (to turn the sound back on), he hits the wrong button and changes the channel - which loses the show that i was watching. you can't go back to it unless you were recording it, which we were not. it's not that i cared about the show - i didn't; it was just something that was on in the background and i was only vaguely listening anyway.

i picked up the remote to see (just curious) how close the buttons were that he had hit and because he shakes so much, any distance is too close together. it would not have mattered if they had been on opposite ends of the remote. if he's shaking, he's not going to hit the right ones. oh well... i was fine until he got defensive about it. i wasn't challenging him or even giving him grief. but the defensive attitude really just set me off.

i unloaded. and cried. and unloaded some more. and cried some more. i threw his laundry basket (more than once - picked it up and slammed it back down on the floor; darn thing is tough 'cause it didn't break at all). told him everything that was on my mind. EVERYTHING. told him i'd prayed - i'd begged - i'd pleaded - i'd bargained - with God for answers, help, direction, etc. AND GOT NOTHING. i told God at that particular moment i hated him. and i meant it. i said it many, many times. didn't feel any better for saying it. can't say that it wasn't true at that particular moment in time. i said that i'd looked for answers and listened to everyone who said that things will get better, things always look darkest before they get better. the only thing I see at the end of the tunnel is another train waiting to mow me over.

i said i was tired of everyone saying how hard of a life he was having, how sorry they felt for him, how bad it was that he had to live this way. so many comments about how difficult his life is. i said that i wasn't discounting his misery at all but none of the - NOT ONE - would say how sorry they felt for what i was going through. last time i checked, i wasn't walking through a bed of roses, unless the roses had been picked and the only thing left was the thorns. I said i was worried about our finances and when he'd ask me to buy things and i said we didn't have any money, then he'd turn right around and ask for something else. i said i felt guilty that i was unable to just buy him the little things that he asked for and that it was my fault that we were in the shape we were in; i didn't manage the finances well enough.

i said a lot. i said it wasn't any one thing - it was lots. it was the karens, the tracis, the kims, the als, and the other people who've known all the stuff he (we) were going through and never - not once - offered to sit at the hospital, bring me dinner after spending the day at the hospital, or whatever i might have needed. he thought i was mad at him for basically doing this to himself; the years that i tried to get him to follow a diabetic diet and follow the doctors' (that is plural - more than one doctor's orders) orders and ended up like this. i said no, that i didn't really believe i was holding it against him; i would be very surprised if i was holding any of that against him. i said it was the people who would say let me know if they could do anything for me and then disappear into the woodwork when i asked. it was the people who brought me all of their troubles but when i would say something that was on my mind, they were worse than me and would not want to listen to my troubles. i said i wasn't getting paid to be a psychologist but everyone still brought me their troubles, but not want to know mine. (i'm not overlooking the few people who HAVE volunteered to do things for us, but mostly one couple that we have very recently met; V & G know that they are so greatly appreciated!).

i said that i was not suicidal but that my life right now was so miserable that if i ended up on the streets that i would not care. except i'm a pansy and i'm afraid of the dark and don't want to put myself into a position where i might get hurt (real brave of me). i said that the only thing that was keeping me going was the fact that i loved him, my family, my children, and my grandchildren very much and i wouldn't do anything that would make them worry about me. i said that if this was all i had to look forward to, then i would just as soon not live. (that was a very bad thing to say and i don't mean it. i want to be around to see my children and my grandchildren succeed with their lives. that was a very selfish thing for me to say.)

for someone who never cried, i now cry all the time. i'm near tears more often during the day than i care to admit. i go to bed and can't sleep; i wake up and i'm tired. i wish i was one of those people who CAN'T eat when they're stressed; all i can think about is what i'm going to stuff in this fat mouth. i'm not even hungry, i don't want to eat, but i shove crap in there anyway.

i said a lot. and it just kept coming. i said that i'm sorry for not being able to do it all. there are lots of people who have more on their plates than i do and they manage to keep the house clean, keep the laundry done, get to work, do the doctors' appointments, and manage the finances. i obviously am a much weaker person than that as i'm not able to do it all and keep my sanity. i said i was so done that i couldn't see straight. i said that i don't know what to do any more and that i don't think i can do any more. i said i am sorry that i can't fix what's wrong.

i said i try to not think about stuff that i can't control and i try to think about things that i can do to make things better. i said i hate where my life is right now and i hate a lot of things, including some people. that wasn't nice, either and i really didn't mean that i hate people. i'm incredibly disappointed in them (they are family - mostly) and incredibly frustrated with them but that is a far cry from hate. it's like when your kids say "i hate you!" you know that they don't really mean it; it's emotion talking.

i had a lot of emotion talking tonight.

ron cried and then i felt about this ... big (that's very tiny). he can't change what it is and i shouldn't load any stress on his shoulders. but, i honestly know that i can't take any more stress onto my shoulders either. when i thought we were going to get to move, i was really relaxed and thought that things might actually be looking up for us. that was very short-lived and i should have known better.

i wore him out with my emotional unloading. me, i'm thinking about getting drunk. except i don't like hangovers.