Couldn't sleep

So much on my mind that my body just screamed at me to get out of bed. I'm usually not, by choice, an early riser. The older I get, the more I find myself waking early - even on days I don't have to be up early. I haven't used an alarm clock for years and even if I set one now for an extra early wake-up (flying somewhere or Ron to the hospital), I find I'm usually awake before it goes off.

This morning, 4:00 AM called my name and would not let me go back to sleep. I came out into the kitchen and made a cup of hot tea to see if that would soothe away the restlessness. Nope. Didn't work. My head is a bit stuffy and I knew that an anxiety attack would not be far away if I didn't get up and move around. It's amazing what the body will do when the mind refuses to accept or acknowledge things.

I hear Ron in the other room, sleeping and snoring just a bit through his Bi-PAP mask. It amuses me to hear him and the funny noises he makes. I'll miss that while he's in the hospital and in rehab. Maisey and I will have the whole bed to ourselves. She won't know what to do without her "daddy" here during the day. She frequently spends a great deal of the day on his shoulder, especially when she senses that he doesn't feel very good.

My mind is going over things that have been said and done; things that I cannot change even if I wanted to and things that I wouldn't change if I could. Life is full of choices and sometimes some of those choices are better than others. We have to learn from our mistakes - or bumps in the road - and move forward. I try to project a positive outlook in all things that I do. I'm not always successful and sometimes I really would rather just crawl under a rock. If I could. But I don't like dark, confined spaces and I really dislike dirt - so under a rock is probably not a good place for me.

I think a lot about family and how important it is. We didn't get to "pick" our relatives like we picked our friends and sometimes relatives just don't get along. That is sad. When the day is over, and the pieces of your world are falling all around you, who do you turn to for help? If you don't have family you can turn to, you may be out of luck. Some are blessed to have caring friends who are there to lean on, but others do not. Without family, there could be no one. That could be a very sad, sorry state of affairs.

I think a lot about the "what if" factors. Not necessarily about "what if" he doesn't make it through surgery - although I have to admit that we've both thought about it - but just the general "what if" stuff like:

• what if he doesn't get strong enough to ever walk again
• what if this is just the beginning of a series of higher amputations
• what if they try to send him home too soon
• what if they don't realize his other health conditions could cause problems
• what if he's not able to care for himself once he comes home
• what if he's not able to bathe because he can't get into the shower or the bathtub without his lower leg
• what if he dies

All of those are valid concerns and all of them have potential. None of them are on the positive side of the scale. I've thought of those as well:

• what if this is the best thing we could have done
• what if this makes him able to get up and get around more
• what if we wish we'd have done this sooner

The sun is coming up and I am winding down. Ron will be waking soon and he'll want to turn on the television. Maybe I can stall him for a couple of hours on that and I can take a little nap on the sofa.

Maybe my mind will finally shut down a bit.

Maybe.