Off to the kidney doctor tomorrow and ramblings

And, it can't be a moment too soon. Ron's feeling very bad and says he thinks he's retaining water. That's never a good sign.

I came home tonight to discover that he'd had an "accident" and had clothes in the sink for me to wash. Sanitize is more like it. He tries, I know he does - but there are still a few things that I really have trouble with. That is one of them. {sigh} He had to call his other son and get him out of bed (this afternoon) to come over and help him get a shower. You know it was bad if he attempted a shower on his own.

He asked me today what kind of "place" are those assisted living places. I think he knows that he's close to needing one. He wants me to get Glucerna and just leave it by his chair so he can have shakes during the day while I am at work. Fixing himself something - anything - has become more of a chore than he thinks he can handle. He's got a microwave within reach and a George Foreman grill within reach, but he said he is having trouble even opening the cardboard boxes that frozen items are in and the things I leave for him to heat up are just as hard to get out of the containers.

I really wish that there was something else I could do for him but at this point, I really think I'm just burned out. I feel myself shutting down when he says how bad he feels and I think it's because I know that I can't do anything about it and I just shut it out of my mind.

That's how I've done a lot of things these past few months. I don't want to whine about finances, but finances are BAD BAD BAD. We are behind one full house payment and I've only paid 1/2 of December's payment. There has just been too much going on and it has snowballed and compounded to right now. If it was just me I wouldn't care one bit about starting over. I don't want to, but I could do it. If I had a bed, TV, computer, and a place to work on my cards and stuff I'd be fine. But, I've got to think of Ron and his needs. I have to have a place that is wheelchair accessible. I have to have a place where he can get to the toilet. I have no choice. Renting a place like that is hard to do. If I have to move us, I will. I'd rather not do it in the dead of winter but if I have to, that's what I'll do.

I just keep tossing things back and forth and can't come up with any good answers. I know that God has a plan for us and I have to keep searching for it. I say this out loud to convince myself almost as much as to convince those around me.