It's been almost a week...

And I have been busy AND in avoidance mode. I'm just not in the mood to deal with much of anything. But... I do have good news -

Two little words with such BIG meaning! Not CANCER! Cirrhosis – yes; Portal hypertension – yes; Enlarged spleen - yes; Cancer – NO!

We can handle it. Ron will be seeing another specialist on February 6. I figure since the appointment is so far out and the doctor didn’t see a need to squeeze him in sooner, then this condition is not any more life-threatening than what he’s currently facing. What a BIG sigh of relief!

It has been an emotional roller coaster. I’m not sure if people think I’m nutty or not – and frankly, I really don’t give a rat’s ass what people think – but my way of dealing with what may be coming down the pike is to look at everything from every angle I can possibly think of. I analyze and then analyze again. And, just for good measure, I rethink it a few more times. I have to run the “numbers” in every way possible so I don’t overlook anything that I could have done or done differently. It helps me keep my sanity (wait… I know – I have to have sanity before I can keep it, but I can pretend that I have sanity, right? Hehe!).

Ron's dealing with some depression right now and it's making things difficult for me. He is really starting to "feel" all of the things wrong with him. He's had a pretty good outlook (for the most part) over the past several years but being sick wears on you. Add being "chronically" sick with no real hope for improvement to that and it's no wonder he's having some depression. Problem with HIS depression is that I'm gaining weight because I'm a stress eater. He won't eat and all I can think about is food. {sigh} Such a double-edged sword.

Ron has been concerned that he's not done enough the past four years. I told him that he has been busy concentrating on staying alive. I told him that God didn't call us to be perfect - that job was already taken by Someone else. Our job is to do the best that we can and we have done our best - as much as our human bodies and failings will allow - then we have done what was expected of us.

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Moving on…

I’m as ready for Christmas as I figure I’m going to be. I had big plans for cards this year. Didn’t happen. I did manage to send a card to my WA grandkids and managed to get the cards I sold made, but that is all. I have all most of the pieces cut for the Santa panorama card but I’ve not had time to put them together. I think I’ll be able to get one done each night and get it in the mail the next day. I have gift cards I should have bought and have not yet. I have children recipients that I don’t want to disappoint. I need to get busy. It's not going to happen.

I think I can be ready for Christmas if it happened about a week later.

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As for me, I'm just not in the mood this year. I think I'm tired. There has been one thing after another for the past four years and it's enough to try the patience of a saint - and I'm far from being a saint. I need to pull my big girl britches up a notch or two and keep on moving forward. Things WILL get better. I just need to keep on keepin' on. I need to keep the faith that all things work together. God never said it would be easy - just that He would never abandon me. Even in my darkest hours, I have to hold on to that truth.

Found out that Ron's chair can't be fixed. That sucks big time. We don't really have the money to replace the chair. So, he's having some difficulty getting out of the regular recliners. I ended up bringing the Jazzy back into the living room so he could sit in it some. So, we're back to square one on trying to find a lift chair for Ron.