I've been pretending

I am not a happy person. Yes, I’ve tried. I’ve put on a smile and pretended to the world – and to myself – that all was well in my world. Changing jobs didn’t affect the problems that I face every day. They’ve made it financially easier to face, but the problems are still there. Ron continues a slow but steady decline in his health. We both like to pretend that we don’t notice it, but we do. He’s reached a point in his life that he’s not comfortable in any position – sitting or lying in bed. He’s spent many nights in the recliner portion of the sofa but all that’s doing is breaking down the sofa. He can barely get himself out of it. Taking the dog out to potty is more than he wants to take on during the day. I’m torn because that is the only exercise that he is getting – the trip to the slider several times a day to let her out and back in. If he didn’t have her, I’m not sure he’d get out of his chair for anything except to go to the bathroom.

Last night, he tried sleeping in the bed again. It was more of a nightmare for both of us. It takes him several minutes (with me helping) to get him situated in the bed, music on, breathing machine on, and just the right amount of covering on his extremities. Then, I can go to bed but I have to sleep with my head at the foot of the bed because if I snore (heaven forbid!) then it’s hard for him to sleep. (I spent 17 years listening to him but he doesn’t know how I managed to get any rest at all.) I’ve woken up with a sore throat from sleeping right underneath the ceiling fan so that has got to stop. Ron’s got a huge bruise on his left kidney (from spontaneous bleeding/bruising – waiting on test results to see what “new” is wrong) and lying down makes it very painful. He thought it had healed up enough for him to sleep but he was up several times and then finally just got up at 5:30 this morning. Today, I feel like I’ve not had any sleep at all. Even when he was sleeping, I was semi-aware of the fact that he might need something so I didn’t sleep deeply. I told Ron that I couldn’t continue this cycle. We have a spare bed and I think I’m going to start sleeping in it. It’s not a very comfortable bed, but it will be sleep. He can prop himself up on as many pillows as he needs if I’m not in the same bed.

I’m currently looking for a new power lift chair. His last one was beyond repair (financially for me because I’d have had to pay someone to do it) and we’ve tried to get by without one these last several months. It’s to the point where he has got to have a lift chair. The knee replacement is giving him a lot of trouble and we’re not sure why but he can barely use that leg again. Neither of us really knows what to do next.

I’m a selfish person. Deeply. This isn’t a ploy for sympathy or for anyone to tell me how noble I am. I’m really selfish. I am tired of taking care of him. There. I’ve said it. I’ve put it in writing for the world to see. I’m tired of never being able to plan anything because I don’t know if I can accommodate Ron. I’m tired of not getting any sleep. I’m tired of having to do everything for the both of us. I’m tired of him forgetting the little things (short-term memory is extremely short-term – and he forgets so much). I’m tired of being tired and tired of being ashamed of my feelings. I’m his wife. I signed on “for better or worse; in sickness and in health” and I shouldn’t be acting so selfishly. In the past, I’ve made it sound how wonderful our weekends away have been – and they were, don’t get me wrong. But, they were a TREMENDOUS amount of work on my part. Loading all of the stuff, making sure that we had everything that he could possibly need – so much so that I forgot my own things one time. Totally forgot my stuff. Our “cheap” weekends away are over because the $30 per night motel we stayed in is no longer accessible for Ron; he can’t get up off the toilet and the motel is so old, they are not up to ADA standards.

I’m so busy making sure that everything is OK for him that my own requirements are being put on the back burner. Some of them just never get addressed. That bothers me and then I feel ashamed for letting it bother me.

Sometimes, I think he would be better off in assisted living but then I think that it would be “me” better off – I’d have a lighter load in some respects but I’d have to visit him every night and I think that would get old. I really admire the folks who go every day, all day, to sit with their loved ones in nursing home environments. My FIL would go every day to the nursing home where Ron’s mom was. (When he didn’t show up one day, she knew something had happened to him. Even though she had dementia, she knew something was wrong; he had passed away during the night.) I know my kids sometimes think that we should make the step but I’m just not sure it’s the right thing to do. If’ I’m so quick to put him in assisted living, then how could I expect anyone to help me when (if) I get to a position where I need some help? I’m planning on going to see my WA grandkids during July 4th week and I’m already worried about who will be able to step in and make sure Ron is OK. Amy won’t because it’s harvest and they’ll be going to the farm. Everyone else lives too far away. So, do I cancel the trip (again!) because I have no one to step in, or do I just leave him and pray for the best? What a dilemma.

Enough of my whining for now. I’ve done really well with avoiding the issues but today I’m just not in the mood to bury it all. I am ordering a topper for the twin bed. That will make the mattress more comfortable for sleeping. I feel bad for Ron. He's pretty depressed over things these days and has had his anti-depressant adjusted. He also showed me tonight one of his fingers that doesn't look too healthy. Since he wears gloves so much, I hadn't noticed it. I asked him why he didn't show the doctor last Friday and he said he didn't think of it.

All things to think about for another day.