I feel...

Like crap.
Like *&%#.
Like *&%# on a shoestring.
Like *&%# on a shingle.
Like I've been run over by a Mac truck.
Like I've been gut kicked.
Like my head is going to explode.
Like my ears are going to implode.
Like my body has been trampled by a herd of elephants.
Like...

I think you get the picture.

Standard doses of medication don't usually do too much for me but with the hazards of over-dosing on prescription medications all too real, I'm hesitant to mix too much or take too much more than the prescribed amounts. I was prescribed Cheratussin AC 10-100MG/5ML cough syrup (1 tsp every six hours) and 500 mg Amoxicillin (1 caplet twice a day). I was assured that the cough syrup had a narcotic and, along with knocking out the cough, would make me sleepy. Well, that is partially true. It does knock out the cough - but only for about 2-3 hours (one dose lasted 4 hours). It has failed to help me sleep. In addition to the doses of the cough medicine, I've been forced to take Mucinex DM. That still doesn't totally clear up the congestion in my sinuses.

I don't do "congestion" very well. I suffer from claustrophobia and feeling like I can't breathe is a really big issue for me. I have visions of me being an 80 year old lady in a nursing home they put in a straight jacket because I've got a cold and can't breathe - so I have a panic attack. Panic attacks are totally awful for me and I don't know how to stop them. I can tell when one is coming on, but I can't stop it. I find it even hard to write about the things that cause one without feeling like I could have one. Why? Why? Why?

What in my life could have caused such a bad reaction to cause life-long problems? I know that when I was a kid one of my brothers used to torment me and physically/emotionally abuse me. I know that sounds odd - you don't think of siblings so much as abusers but more just sibling rivalry, but he really was abusive. He thought he was being funny but he was being cruel. One of the things he used to do was sit on my chest and pin my arms to the ground with his knees while he tapped my chest with his finger. He called it "Chinese Torture Test" to see how long I could take it. Just visualizing that in my mind is nearly enough to drive me right into panic mode. That had to have happened over 40 years ago. Could this one thing be the whole source of my anxiety attacks? I don't know but it's really been a life-long crippling item.

I take Celexa daily but I don't think that is helping in this area. I used to take Welbutrin but that didn't seem to help either. I'm not depressed but I definitely have anxiety. I've put on clothes before that were very close-fitting and immediately felt like if I didn't get them off, I was going to have to cut them off. Luckily, I've not been to the point where I've taken scissors to something, but I've been very close. I can't wear turtlenecks, choker necklaces, or items of clothing that are form fitting. I want things loose and flowing - away from my body.

Back to the congestion... I'm not sure how I'm supposed to function at work tomorrow if I'm not any better than I am today. It hurts to blink. It hurts to turn my head. It hurts to cough. I just plain hurt. I have less than 3.5 days of PTO left for the rest of the year. That's not good in any body's books. I had left myself 5 days but being sick for 1.5 days took a chunk away that I was planning on using for "fun" later. I have one day in October I want to use in Kansas City for a scrapbook convention. I want to use 1/2 day in August for our anniversary. That would bring me down to less than 2 days. I definitely can't get sick any more this year, and I definitely can't take any time off for Thanksgiving or Christmas. Darn the luck.

I guess I'll take it one breath - one sniffle - at a time.