You know, life just shouldn't be this tough...

As some of you know, Ron is back in the hospital. He's in congestive heart failure this time. At least it's not his kidneys, too - right? I knew he was going downhill for a couple of weeks. Told him, even, that I thought he was heading toward a medical issue. He knew, too. We doubled up his Lasix and he got muscle cramps in his arms and legs, so I cut it back. I'd just started doubling it again when he went to the doctor yesterday. I knew he needed to be in the hospital and I guess they did, too.

Living just shouldn't be this hard for people. You'd think...

I did have a discussion with him the other night about assisted living/skilled nursing care. On the one hand, I'm sure there are a lot of people in skilled nursing care who are in better shape than Ron is. But, can he really take care of himself? Not really - so would he qualify for skilled nursing care? I'm not sure. I don't want him to go into a nursing home situation until he absolutely has to. Could he manage assisted living? That's kind what he has with me now and it's not working out so well. So...

I think we might be at that place. And, I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that I might feel guilty...

• Guilty that "I" put him there
• Guilty that I might be relieved that I don't have to do it all alone anymore (the day-to-day stuff)
• Guilty that I gave up
• Guilty that I won't be the one to find him - you know - not breathing
• Guilty that I won't have to make the decision on what to do with him or for him
• Guilty for being relieved for not having to dread what I'd find when I got home from work
• Guilty for not being "there" for him all the time

He asked me last night if when I "put him someplace," if he could take his lift chair and his TV.  I don't want him to think that "I" am putting him someplace. I do worry that what ever I find for him, that he won't have enough visitors to keep him from feeling like he's been put away. I'm not worried about Keith and Amy visiting (or me), but is that enough to keep him from being lonely and feeling like his family has tossed him aside? He asked me how soon I was going to do it. Well... it can't happen overnight but I would really like to see him settled soon. This up and down, back and forth, etc., with his health issues are wearing me down and out. I told Amy today that the stress of it all would kill me but there is plenty of life insurance to take care of him. (I wonder what my blood pressure is right now...hmmm)

I have an appointment with an attorney tomorrow to discuss separation of assets. I don't have a lot, but I have a little inheritance from my mom, a small IRA, and my 401k at work. Technically, Ron is entitled to half of that. The attorney said it would cost me upwards of $2,000 but he thinks he can get Ron qualified for Medicaid, preserve those accounts, and also preserve some of his income for me. That would be nice because, quite frankly, if I have to pay for this out of my pocket, I'll be on the streets in less than a year. That's not a bluff or made for shock value. I've done the math. Although I was never great at algebra or geometry, but I can do addition and subtraction very well and I can't make that scenario work for very long.

Back to the "guilt" thing... 

And, another anniversary is here...

Not one that any of us wish we had... September 11, 2001. It's been 12 years and sentiments are still as strong now as they were then. Instead of re-writing something, I'll just reference what I wrote in 2008.  If you want to read it, you can go here:

Where were you?

I re-read what I wrote and I couldn't do it any better today than I did then. Have we learned anything in these 12 years? I'm not sure. Terrorism is still alive and well in many parts of the world. Muslim extremists are still murdering innocent people every day - sometimes their own countrymen, women, and children.

It's truly sad and I just have no words to express the depth of feeling and sadness I feel for the victims.