Thursday, July 10, 2014

Marking time

It’s hard to believe that Ron has been gone 16 weeks today. I miss him and will always miss him. But... I have to remember that “I” am still here and “I” have to look forward to new beginnings and not stay in the past. Taking five weeks off work was very helpful. I still have moments that when I try to talk about something, or thank someone for something, that I get choked up and the words won’t come. But, it is getting easier to talk about all the things that Ron’s poor body (and mind) went through. He suffered... oh, how he suffered. But, he really had the best attitude (most of the time) considering all of the limitations on his life. He always had a smile for people and he rarely got upset if someone didn’t come to visit him. I know the hours and hours he spent alone had to be draining on him, but he never complained. He frequently napped to pass the time (that’s my theory on it).

I took the time off to really reflect on things. I ordered his grave marker (and it is going to be beautiful!), I took care of his social security, took care of multitudes of medical claims (Medicare and I went ‘round and ‘round), and started seeing a grief counselor. I’m not sure that she really told me anything that I didn’t already know, but hearing it out loud from a third-party with no vested interest was good. There are days when I still question my decisions (like making him move to the nursing home) but most of the time, I know that I did the best that I could. Sometimes I got a little crazy over it all, but if I had to do it over again for him I wouldn’t hesitate. He needed me and I’m glad that I was able to be there for him. He would have done the same for me.

I had a particularly rough night a few days ago. When I got up the next morning and looked in the mirror, my hair was going every which way. Just as clear as if he had been standing behind me, I heard Ron’s voice say (as he was laughing), “You look like Medusa this morning.” As I examined my hair, I had to agree with him. It made me feel really good – LOL – to get an “insult” from him.

I had to... No, let me rephrase that... I felt I NEEDED to make some changes around the house. I had been on the hunt for a new sofa anyway, so I went ahead and completed that task. I also had a very small, round table in the dining room, so I replaced that (kept the chairs because they are the perfect shade) and replaced the antique (with the broken front) hutch with one that did not have glass on the bottom. I also replaced our bed. And our car. Not to diminish the old memories, but time to start making some new ones.