Closure...

 It’s time to write the final chapter for the year 1984… I’ve shared our meeting/wedding story enough so this year will be the last time it’s mentioned.

As I look back through the decades, I can see all the good times we experienced, and just as clearly see the negative stuff. I cringe to think of some of the things we did – things that were innocent mistakes and things that were willfully done knowing there could be (and probably would be) repercussions. I think of the mistakes we made with our children and, for some of them, my heart breaks. For the most part (or, at least that’s what I would like to believe), we were good parents. We said and did things we shouldn’t have and didn’t do or say things we should have. We did what we thought was best for our kids, even when it hurt them (or us) to do it. We made a lot of mistakes. A LOT! If I could go back and change even 10% of them, I would. Would it have changed the course of their lives and made them different people? Maybe… maybe not. Only God knows the answer to that and I’m sure I’ll find out when it’s my time to be judged.

When I moved to Wichita in January 1984, with two small children, I didn’t know what would be in my future. I just knew that I believed then (and still do) that God was directing my steps here and to a specific place to live. The pieces all fell into place too conveniently and too perfectly to be otherwise. Little did I know that I would meet someone totally the opposite of my expectations and spend the rest of his life with him. I like to think that we made a good team and we helped each other have a good life. I know that he loved and was loved in return. He was well taken care of in his years of need and I can’t do anything more than know deep in my heart that I did my best. LOL, most of the time. There were definitely some incidents where I let resentment cloud my actions and my words. But, he died knowing that he was loved.

Speaking of love, that’s truly all that anyone really wants. If we’re each totally honest with ourselves and each other, we want to love and be loved – and to experience a hug, a kiss, or even just a quiet moment. We want someone to think we hung the moon and the stars – and to think the same of someone else. We want a bond… we want someone to share the highs and the lows of life with. We want someone to spend time with, have conversations with, and miss when they’re not around. We want to be that someone in life of another, too. Once that bond is broken, either by death or divorce, it’s sometimes hard to bounce back. Grief, no matter the reason, is very personal and the journey is different for every single person. I can’t tell you how long each stage of grief will last or how long it should last. It’s just a journey that must be taken as an individual. It can’t be rushed, and it shouldn’t be judged according to someone else’s personal journey.

When a partner dies and that bond is cut off, it takes a while to move past it. Depending on the person, maybe THAT particular life experience is enough to last them for the rest of their life. For others, maybe they need to move forward and experience new things, meet new people, and maybe find another partner to share things. Maybe marriage isn’t in the cards, but companionship is. No one can say what someone can do or should do other than the person going through it.

But, no one should continue to live in the past or beat themselves up over decisions made or not made. I spent a lot of years hating myself for my looks, my size, my voice, my sensitivities (lol, “thin skin” as my dad called it), and every single thing I ever did wrong (and, I have a pretty good running slide show in my head… I’m sure I’ve missed a few, but they’re mostly on auto-replay any time of day or night, especially at night when I’m trying to sleep). I’m an over-thinker and was frequently an under-achiever because I felt I would not be successful – I didn’t believe in myself enough to think I was worth putting out the effort for. I was never quite good enough for this or for that. And, that’s really just a lot of rubbish that isn’t true now and wasn’t true then.

I’m almost 64. Old enough to know better and still young enough to care. 😉 I’d like to have another someone special in my life. I’m not searching because if it happens, it will be on God’s time and not mine.

I’m taking care of me and hopefully learning from the mistakes of the past. I’m still really good at putting my foot in my mouth (sometimes both of them), but I am trying.

So, I need to put closure on the past and create a new future. Anyway, that's my goal. Live... Love... Be happy.  (This should post at 7:00PM Central time on 8/20/20 - exactly 36 years from the beginning of our married life. I thought that would be a fitting time to close the past and look toward the future.)

Revisiting old memories... and other thoughts

 It's now been over six years since Ron left us, and almost our 36th wedding anniversary. We had a great marriage - not one that was without difficult patches and we both had to commit to making it work. There were times when we each could have walked away and been "justified" in our thinking. But, that's not what we promised each other or what we had promised God. We truly believed He had brought us together and we were determined to not throw it away.

On my Facebook page I've been chronicling how we met (blind date 8/1/84) and the days leading up to our marriage (8/20/84). It's been good memories and has brought back a lot of things that were special then. I'm not pining for Ron but I will always love the man he was - the Christian, the husband, the father, the friend, and the musician. I have wished for the life we were supposed to have - or the life I "thought" we were supposed to have. We did have the life that God mapped out for us and although we didn't always make the best choices (boy, did we ever screw up a LOT of things!), it was still the best life we could have had based on those choices. Sure, there are things I would have changed and wish we had done differently, but then I wonder if it would have affected the outcome and how it would have affect it - friends that we might not have made, impacts Ron might not have made in the lives of others, and (vainly) maybe even the impacts I might not have made in the lives of others. (I'm much more inclined to think of the positive impact Ron had on people than the positive impact I might have had on people.)

Ron left behind a legacy that will go forward for years. He's got grandchildren that he never met and great-grandchildren that he never met. Hopefully their parents will be able to tell them about the grandpa they never knew and how much he would have loved them. 

My life has changed in ways that I never imagined. I still make plenty of mistakes. Every. Single. Day. I'm constantly apologizing to God about how I've messed up. I try to keep politics and religion off Facebook but sometimes I fail. I don't believe Facebook is one happy event after another, but the hate and discontent really should be left off. There are so many things posted that are untrue, or "forms" of the truth and just twisted to suit a certain narrative - and it's sometimes easy to fall into the trap of responding. I did respond to one thing an extended family member had posted and got an earful back. The perceived "hate" I felt from that individual really hurt my feelings and I really had to step back. I had often wondered about how this individual felt about me, and the response kind of confirmed my thoughts. I wasn't sure if the same type of response would have been given to this person's mother or mother-in-law, or if it was merely because of who I am. My reaction to this individual's comment really gave me "pause" and I decided that commenting on controversial topics was something I was going to do a better job of avoiding. 

With the COVID-19 pandemic and the ongoing mask/no mask debate, it's sometimes hard to find neutral ground. At some point, I think nearly everyone will know of someone who has been affected - either by the virus, job loss, or some other way. Although we haven't had anyone directly infected, I know of several people who have had it and recovered or who are currently in quarantine because of exposure. Our little town has been hit but not as bad as some areas. To mask or not to mask is really tough. There is scientific and documented evidence to support both decisions. Which one do we believe, and can we change our minds? It's really a tough one. I struggle wearing a mask because of claustrophobia so I don't go out much. When I do, I wear a mask because that's what businesses have requested. When I'm away from others, I'll pull it down off my nose but when I'm within 6' feet of someone, it's up where it belongs. If they work to protect anyone at all, I feel like that little bit of stress is worth it. If they don't, then the worst I've done is been uncomfortable for a few minutes. I won't give anyone a hard time for their choice to wear or not wear a mask. My health is my responsibility so I will do what I think is best for me, which sometimes means I stay home (LOL, most of the time!). Curbside pickup is my friend.

I'm a thinker - and many times an over-thinker. I ponder life a lot... what I did right, what I did wrong, what I want to do, and many other things. I think about stuff to write about and then when I sit down to do it, the words won't come or they sound so ridiculous that I just tell myself, "You can't say that!" and I move on. Many times I think about past decades and the events that have helped shape my life. All I can do is apologize for where I've failed people... God, my children, my friends, and even myself. I think the person who has the hardest time forgiving me is me. 

My goal for the future is to do better.