It's now been over six years since Ron left us, and almost our 36th wedding anniversary. We had a great marriage - not one that was without difficult patches and we both had to commit to making it work. There were times when we each could have walked away and been "justified" in our thinking. But, that's not what we promised each other or what we had promised God. We truly believed He had brought us together and we were determined to not throw it away.
On my Facebook page I've been chronicling how we met (blind date 8/1/84) and the days leading up to our marriage (8/20/84). It's been good memories and has brought back a lot of things that were special then. I'm not pining for Ron but I will always love the man he was - the Christian, the husband, the father, the friend, and the musician. I have wished for the life we were supposed to have - or the life I "thought" we were supposed to have. We did have the life that God mapped out for us and although we didn't always make the best choices (boy, did we ever screw up a LOT of things!), it was still the best life we could have had based on those choices. Sure, there are things I would have changed and wish we had done differently, but then I wonder if it would have affected the outcome and how it would have affect it - friends that we might not have made, impacts Ron might not have made in the lives of others, and (vainly) maybe even the impacts I might not have made in the lives of others. (I'm much more inclined to think of the positive impact Ron had on people than the positive impact I might have had on people.)
Ron left behind a legacy that will go forward for years. He's got grandchildren that he never met and great-grandchildren that he never met. Hopefully their parents will be able to tell them about the grandpa they never knew and how much he would have loved them.
My life has changed in ways that I never imagined. I still make plenty of mistakes. Every. Single. Day. I'm constantly apologizing to God about how I've messed up. I try to keep politics and religion off Facebook but sometimes I fail. I don't believe Facebook is one happy event after another, but the hate and discontent really should be left off. There are so many things posted that are untrue, or "forms" of the truth and just twisted to suit a certain narrative - and it's sometimes easy to fall into the trap of responding. I did respond to one thing an extended family member had posted and got an earful back. The perceived "hate" I felt from that individual really hurt my feelings and I really had to step back. I had often wondered about how this individual felt about me, and the response kind of confirmed my thoughts. I wasn't sure if the same type of response would have been given to this person's mother or mother-in-law, or if it was merely because of who I am. My reaction to this individual's comment really gave me "pause" and I decided that commenting on controversial topics was something I was going to do a better job of avoiding.
With the COVID-19 pandemic and the ongoing mask/no mask debate, it's sometimes hard to find neutral ground. At some point, I think nearly everyone will know of someone who has been affected - either by the virus, job loss, or some other way. Although we haven't had anyone directly infected, I know of several people who have had it and recovered or who are currently in quarantine because of exposure. Our little town has been hit but not as bad as some areas. To mask or not to mask is really tough. There is scientific and documented evidence to support both decisions. Which one do we believe, and can we change our minds? It's really a tough one. I struggle wearing a mask because of claustrophobia so I don't go out much. When I do, I wear a mask because that's what businesses have requested. When I'm away from others, I'll pull it down off my nose but when I'm within 6' feet of someone, it's up where it belongs. If they work to protect anyone at all, I feel like that little bit of stress is worth it. If they don't, then the worst I've done is been uncomfortable for a few minutes. I won't give anyone a hard time for their choice to wear or not wear a mask. My health is my responsibility so I will do what I think is best for me, which sometimes means I stay home (LOL, most of the time!). Curbside pickup is my friend.
I'm a thinker - and many times an over-thinker. I ponder life a lot... what I did right, what I did wrong, what I want to do, and many other things. I think about stuff to write about and then when I sit down to do it, the words won't come or they sound so ridiculous that I just tell myself, "You can't say that!" and I move on. Many times I think about past decades and the events that have helped shape my life. All I can do is apologize for where I've failed people... God, my children, my friends, and even myself. I think the person who has the hardest time forgiving me is me.
My goal for the future is to do better.
No comments:
Post a Comment