Closure...

 It’s time to write the final chapter for the year 1984… I’ve shared our meeting/wedding story enough so this year will be the last time it’s mentioned.

As I look back through the decades, I can see all the good times we experienced, and just as clearly see the negative stuff. I cringe to think of some of the things we did – things that were innocent mistakes and things that were willfully done knowing there could be (and probably would be) repercussions. I think of the mistakes we made with our children and, for some of them, my heart breaks. For the most part (or, at least that’s what I would like to believe), we were good parents. We said and did things we shouldn’t have and didn’t do or say things we should have. We did what we thought was best for our kids, even when it hurt them (or us) to do it. We made a lot of mistakes. A LOT! If I could go back and change even 10% of them, I would. Would it have changed the course of their lives and made them different people? Maybe… maybe not. Only God knows the answer to that and I’m sure I’ll find out when it’s my time to be judged.

When I moved to Wichita in January 1984, with two small children, I didn’t know what would be in my future. I just knew that I believed then (and still do) that God was directing my steps here and to a specific place to live. The pieces all fell into place too conveniently and too perfectly to be otherwise. Little did I know that I would meet someone totally the opposite of my expectations and spend the rest of his life with him. I like to think that we made a good team and we helped each other have a good life. I know that he loved and was loved in return. He was well taken care of in his years of need and I can’t do anything more than know deep in my heart that I did my best. LOL, most of the time. There were definitely some incidents where I let resentment cloud my actions and my words. But, he died knowing that he was loved.

Speaking of love, that’s truly all that anyone really wants. If we’re each totally honest with ourselves and each other, we want to love and be loved – and to experience a hug, a kiss, or even just a quiet moment. We want someone to think we hung the moon and the stars – and to think the same of someone else. We want a bond… we want someone to share the highs and the lows of life with. We want someone to spend time with, have conversations with, and miss when they’re not around. We want to be that someone in life of another, too. Once that bond is broken, either by death or divorce, it’s sometimes hard to bounce back. Grief, no matter the reason, is very personal and the journey is different for every single person. I can’t tell you how long each stage of grief will last or how long it should last. It’s just a journey that must be taken as an individual. It can’t be rushed, and it shouldn’t be judged according to someone else’s personal journey.

When a partner dies and that bond is cut off, it takes a while to move past it. Depending on the person, maybe THAT particular life experience is enough to last them for the rest of their life. For others, maybe they need to move forward and experience new things, meet new people, and maybe find another partner to share things. Maybe marriage isn’t in the cards, but companionship is. No one can say what someone can do or should do other than the person going through it.

But, no one should continue to live in the past or beat themselves up over decisions made or not made. I spent a lot of years hating myself for my looks, my size, my voice, my sensitivities (lol, “thin skin” as my dad called it), and every single thing I ever did wrong (and, I have a pretty good running slide show in my head… I’m sure I’ve missed a few, but they’re mostly on auto-replay any time of day or night, especially at night when I’m trying to sleep). I’m an over-thinker and was frequently an under-achiever because I felt I would not be successful – I didn’t believe in myself enough to think I was worth putting out the effort for. I was never quite good enough for this or for that. And, that’s really just a lot of rubbish that isn’t true now and wasn’t true then.

I’m almost 64. Old enough to know better and still young enough to care. 😉 I’d like to have another someone special in my life. I’m not searching because if it happens, it will be on God’s time and not mine.

I’m taking care of me and hopefully learning from the mistakes of the past. I’m still really good at putting my foot in my mouth (sometimes both of them), but I am trying.

So, I need to put closure on the past and create a new future. Anyway, that's my goal. Live... Love... Be happy.  (This should post at 7:00PM Central time on 8/20/20 - exactly 36 years from the beginning of our married life. I thought that would be a fitting time to close the past and look toward the future.)