Thursday, October 18, 2012

Back in the swing of things

Sort of...

I am so grateful for the messages of sympathy and support from my friends (both IRL and blogging). You all cannot imagine how much I appreciated all of your messages. You never know until something like this happens who your real friends are and who are the ones who disappear. I'm sure we've all experienced things like that.

The time following my mom's passing and up to the funeral seemed to go by so quickly and also to just crawl. I didn't want to say good-bye. I wanted to hear her voice one more time. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her one more time. Thursday (the 27th) she was still pretty alert and was having a lot of cramping in her left foot. It wasn't much but I was able to rub her foot when a cramp would hit and help it to go away. I get these same kind of toe cramps and I know how badly they hurt; the only real relief is to get up and walk it out. One time, it must have been too bad because she very clearly said, "let go." By Friday, she was pretty much unresponsive  and had mostly quit talking. I spent a lot of Friday afternoon and evening alone with her and I was able to talk to her quite a bit. I'm sure she heard and understood but she didn't really say anything. I know she was really uncomfortable and in a lot of pain so I made sure the nurses kept her pain medicine coming as often as she was able to have it and when she needed it.

My mom loved hummingbirds and always had one or two feeders up, plus she had a bird bath in her yard. My kids went together and bought this for me in memory of my mom. I was really touched and I think it's just beautiful.

The last week has been busy (getting back into the swing of things at work) but my mind hasn't been able to come to grips with the finality of "good-bye" and keeping the good memories front and center. Like her birthday present...In the last couple of years, Mom developed a liking for the slots at the casino. It was the one piece of entertainment she could do, she could afford it, and she could forget how badly she felt and how little quality of life that she had. She didn't look at it as gambling - she was just entertaining herself. I gave her $40 to spend on the Wheel of Fortune game and she smiled so big when I gave it to her - just like a kid in a candy store! She had a great time that day and I am so glad that I was able to go with her that last time (I was supposed to go back to KC the weekend of 9/16 and my sister and I were going to take her on my way back home).

I need to get back into a normal routine. Ron's doing OK - not great, but OK. His short-term memory is my biggest complaint right now. He just doesn't remember things that he needs to. Sometimes he acts like a child instead of an adult and that frustrates me quite a bit. He gets something in his head or on his mind and he just doesn't let go. He's been like this his whole life but lately it's been much worse. He'll interrupt people to ask questions or to have someone get him something or do something for him. He frustrates me a great deal these days. I told him Sunday that I didn't like us very well sometimes. I don't like feeling like this. I'm sure a lot of it is me - I'm short on patience these days.


orchid said...

Dearest Teresa,
Oh, what a beautiful bird bath (is it?) your children bought for you; you have really sweet children♡♡♡ I think you are so blessed with them☆☆☆ 
I know through my experience that we need really log time to get through our sorrow of losing loved ones! And so sorry for your husband mental situation and I guess it must be hard for you when you need his love and understanding the most.
I am always thinking about you because you are my friend since my beginning of this bog, my dear friend.
Hang in there with all my heart to you (sorry for my bad English)
Sending you lots of love and hugs from Japan to my American friend, xoxo Miyako*

Jennifer Hoppins said...

Hi Teresa,
The loss of a parent is a devastating one and I'm so sad you have to go through it. Your mom sounds like a beautiful person who loved you, still loves you, in the next journey she had to take. Sending prayers that life will start to feel less wobbly and off center, that you will find comfort and peace. It's a new kind of way to live after we have to let go, and no one but you understands what it really, personally feels like. If I were there in person, I'd give you the biggest hug and cry too.
P.S. I haven't been visiting many blogs in the last few months because of the increased work for Elliot's home education. I'm thankful that you took time to stop by. Love, hugs and prayers.

Lois said...

So happy to see this post! Grief does have so many layers. I sometimes dream of my parents, and that we are talking in the kitchen, like we always did. In the dream I feel comforted, and often when I wake I still have a good feeling. But my loss was a long time ago, in 1995, not fresh as yours is. You have a year of 'this time last year' to go through. I can understand your frustration with Ron, because you are facing the world each day, still coping and functioning with changes and growth. His world is very small compared to yours.

Thank you for stopping by my little blog! Be well and enjoy those little ones. Lois.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

That birdbath is great--I'm also glad you got a lot of love and support during this time. Hugs to you--and I hope Ron starts remembering better--or at least becomes less ticked off about it!

thisisme said...

Hi Teresa. Lovely to see you here today. That bird bath is just so beautiful, especially with the humming bird connection to your dear mum. It was a lovely thought of your children to buy it for you. It's a terrible time when we lose a parent, and my heart goes out to you. It's still very early days yet. All I can say to you is that she is now at peace, and no longer suffering at all, although I realize that that won't make you miss her any less. Take care.

Mynx said...

I am so sorry for your loss lovely lady
Sending you lots of hugs and love.
The bird bath is so lovely. I am sure it will bring you some happy times when it is visited.
I can understand why you are feeling frustrated with Ron. It must be so hard to not be able to lean on him for a little bit.

Pat said...

That birdbath is so perfect with the hummingbirds on it! What a wonderful gift in memory of your mom.

So you've been short with Ron. That's okay. Give yourself a break. You are grieving right now. Let's face it. You have been playing the role of caregiver, not only to your mom, but also to Ron for a long, long time. You are only human.