Thursday, July 10, 2014

Marking time

It’s hard to believe that Ron has been gone 16 weeks today. I miss him and will always miss him. But... I have to remember that “I” am still here and “I” have to look forward to new beginnings and not stay in the past. Taking five weeks off work was very helpful. I still have moments that when I try to talk about something, or thank someone for something, that I get choked up and the words won’t come. But, it is getting easier to talk about all the things that Ron’s poor body (and mind) went through. He suffered... oh, how he suffered. But, he really had the best attitude (most of the time) considering all of the limitations on his life. He always had a smile for people and he rarely got upset if someone didn’t come to visit him. I know the hours and hours he spent alone had to be draining on him, but he never complained. He frequently napped to pass the time (that’s my theory on it).

I took the time off to really reflect on things. I ordered his grave marker (and it is going to be beautiful!), I took care of his social security, took care of multitudes of medical claims (Medicare and I went ‘round and ‘round), and started seeing a grief counselor. I’m not sure that she really told me anything that I didn’t already know, but hearing it out loud from a third-party with no vested interest was good. There are days when I still question my decisions (like making him move to the nursing home) but most of the time, I know that I did the best that I could. Sometimes I got a little crazy over it all, but if I had to do it over again for him I wouldn’t hesitate. He needed me and I’m glad that I was able to be there for him. He would have done the same for me.

I had a particularly rough night a few days ago. When I got up the next morning and looked in the mirror, my hair was going every which way. Just as clear as if he had been standing behind me, I heard Ron’s voice say (as he was laughing), “You look like Medusa this morning.” As I examined my hair, I had to agree with him. It made me feel really good – LOL – to get an “insult” from him.

I had to... No, let me rephrase that... I felt I NEEDED to make some changes around the house. I had been on the hunt for a new sofa anyway, so I went ahead and completed that task. I also had a very small, round table in the dining room, so I replaced that (kept the chairs because they are the perfect shade) and replaced the antique (with the broken front) hutch with one that did not have glass on the bottom. I also replaced our bed. And our car. Not to diminish the old memories, but time to start making some new ones.


Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I'm so glad to read you took some time off and found a good counselor. Healing after such a loss cannot be easy, so it's taking all the help you can find is smart.
And way to take on those medical claims!

Donna B. said...

Glad to hear you are progressing and moving forward. I can't imagine, but you have nothing to feel guilty about or to regret because you were there for Ron 150% and did an incredible job!

I am glad to hear you are going to a grief counselor...and I am sure you know so much about grief...but it is also good to have someone professional to talk with...for as long as it feels right for you.

Big hugs my friend...

SkippyMom said...

You, of all people, would never diminish a single memory of your best friend and husband, Ron. I know this too well and love you for it.

I think he would be happy that you were doing what you are. I know we are, because we know how much you loved him and he loved you - and he wouldn't want you sad and mopey "Medusa" head. ::wink:: I know I worry about Pooldad and what will happen when...but we are in less trying circumstances than you and Ronnie. And don't you ever let me hear you say that you question the nursing home. He appreciated being there, knowing his care was top notch and I honestly think it helped him live even longer to be with you on your times with him.

I have never met you two, but just "knowing" you, it's just the way I see it from this end. You are a wonderful wife, mother and friend - and I am glad to see you keeping busy with your creativeness.

Take care my friend [and I swear if I said anything untoward - I did not mean too, honest...just trying to help? Wish I could be there to decorate cards or some such. :) ]

Sorry it took me so long to get back around. Take care. Hugs!