Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Stuck with me!

OK – I’ve taken a few days to reflect and decided SCREW IT! Ya’ll are stuck with me! This is the only place (and I do mean ONLY) where I can say anything (and I’ve said just about anything, too). I can’t post a lot of what I say on FB because my mother and my husband both see that. I can’t verbally tell my husband some of the things because… well, he just doesn’t understand. I don’t always have to have a comment back (although you all are TERRIFIC at giving me encouragement) but I sure do enjoy them when I get them.

I know that I need to work on being a better person. I should know that the things Ron does aren’t done maliciously or intentionally. But, some days the things he says or does just gets under my skin like a chigger and I dig and dig at it. For instance, every morning without fail I make him a cup of hot tea with Metamucil in it, some kind of breakfast shake (he likes these and they’re easy for him), and a jug of ice water. If he hasn’t picked up his pill container and taken it to the living room, I get it for him. On the rare mornings that I’m running very far behind, I will tell him in advance which of these items I’m going to have time to take care of. Even if I’m running late, I usually just don’t do something for myself so that I can take care of his things. Every morning – I’ll cut him some slack – OK, nearly every morning, he’ll ask me if I’m going to get him his water, his breakfast, his medications, or his tea, or whatever. Some mornings it’s OK. I’ve tried to explain to him that I do these things every day and that they’re part of my morning routine. The only mornings I don’t automatically get all of these things ready is when he’s sleeping and I ask him if he wants them laid out anyway (in which case, he would say yes or no).

I should know that deep down he’s just not remembering that we’ve discussed this multiple times (every week) and that it’s not anything more than that. Unfortunately, in the moment I let that thought slip by me and I take it personally. I see it (at the time) as a personal insult to my intelligence and all the things that I do for him. I see that he doesn’t even have a clue of how much responsibility I’ve taken on for him and his well-being and all he can see is that at that very moment, he doesn’t have his water, his tea, his medicine, or his breakfast right in front of him – waiting – when he comes out of the bedroom in the morning. This morning, I was really an ass. I had to apologize for upsetting him. I know that his mindset is fragile and that his short-term memory is just about non-existent but ~~ darn it!~~ sometimes I just have to let go of the frustration.

This morning was bad because Maisey didn’t get put out in time (I pick her straight up and head for the door, but she slept with Ron last night and he didn't do that) and I had to clean up the carpet (grrr!). Then, I had to look up something on my computer and it decided that it had to run a sector scan (that was scary) and reboot. So, I was behind schedule practically before the day even got started. The last few days have been very hectic. Ron fell several times over the weekend (twice Friday - almost three times - and once Saturday) and was very confused all day Saturday. He slept most of the day on the chair in the living room and could barely keep his eyes open to even talk to me. Of course, when he’s like this he’s always in denial that something else is going on (or could be going on). He always says something like he’s just tired. No, I was tired… I woke up to a loud crashing sound in the living room at 6:15 and found him sprawled out all over the floor. It was tough getting him up and my back is not happy with me yet. He slept all night Saturday and then spent most of Sunday sleeping as well. We’ve discussed assisted living arrangements but I just don’t feel like it’s time yet. I think it’s unfair of me to want to ship him off somewhere just to make my life easier. We are giving Maisey away (hopefully, we have her a new home but not sure yet) and that will make things a bit easier for me. I can get the carpets cleaned and not have to worry about her having an accident because she’s not put out soon enough in the morning.

Tonight, Ron is much better and Maisey has forgotten that I know she peed on the floor. She was all excited to see me. LOL - silly dog.

Watch for my giveaway post... I'm still working on the details for it.

Thank you all for your wonderful comments! I so appreciate them, more than you can possibly know.


Lois said...

I am glad we are stuck with you. :) I got married in 1984 too. June 2nd.

joanne said...

stuck? I think you are the one stuck with us!

Thisisme. said...

Great, you're not going anywhere after all! That's good news anyway. Goodness me, no wonder your frustration boils over with Ron sometimes my friend, with all that you've got on your plate. But it is really sad, isn't it, that half the time, he probably doesn't even realize what is going on and just how much you do for him. It really is such a difficult situation for you. I'm glad that you've decided to carry on with your blogging, because I'm sure it helps you to just get it down, and out of your system. Onwards and upwards my friend! Hugs.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Glad to read you're sticking around!

Bouncin Barb said...

What you've described here on Ron's condition is almost exactly what was happening to Rich. It was the most difficult and stressful time for me so I certainly can understand how you feel. Looking back I often wonder how I did it all. I'm so thrilled you're not going away. I think this blog is good for YOU and YOU are important too. Hugs!

Pat said...

Hey! You have GOT TO REMEMBER that you are HUMAN. Of COURSE you are going to get short-tempered once in awhile. You live with this situation day in and day out. It has got to be so hard. Don't YOU be hard on yourself! Ron had probably forgotten all about your yelling soon after it happened. There is a LOT of stress happening in your house. I say, if you can afford a nurse or whatever, DO IT. You both deserve it!