Wednesday, May 16, 2012

If I told you...

That some of the things I do for Ron, I do out of a feeling of obligation instead of out of love? And, that I resent it? Would it make any difference in what you think of me? If it does, should I care? For the most part, I do a good job. Other times, not so much...

I have my days, and then I have my days. I thought we were on a pretty good roll this week even though we've had some challenges. Sometimes it's very challenging to get him situated and comfortable. Make no mistake - I do love my husband and I do my best to do everything with love and compassion. Sometimes, I have some difficulty keeping my patience.

Last week, I took him to the ER and I thought at the time that it was mostly stress and depression. Since they didn't find anything too substantial wrong with him and sent him home. He's been up and down emotionally since he chose to give his dog to his friend, Chuck. Each day this week I have not been sure what I was going to come home to. Each night has been a challenge to get him situated in bed. He says he's fine but he's not.

Tonight when I got home from the store he was in another of the down moods. He'd had a bathroom accident and that seemed to start the spiral. I don't even consider it bad - just a little mishap - and he cleaned it up. He says he's too weak to be home alone. Amy and I tell him he's weak because he's not doing regular exercises to build up and maintain his strength. We talk about the future. He doesn't want to go to assisted living but he knows that he really can't stay home alone. It's enough to get depressed over, and I mean for anyone.

I'm calling the doctor again tomorrow to see if there is anything he would suggest or he can do to speed things up. Ron is not suicidal but he recognizes that his anti-depressant is not doing enough. He sent his handgun home with Rex tonight. He said there's no telling what someone who descends into deep depression is capable of and what will happen if they reach that point of no return.  Amy and I each tried to tell him how important it is to focus on finding even just one thing - no matter how small - to find joy in. He seems to be in a better frame of mind tonight.

But, I'm still getting that phone call made tomorrow. I wonder if the doctor can admit him for depression or weakness - or something - and then see about having him discharged to "rehab" until we can get the assisted living lined up. I have a lot of work ahead of me.

10 comments:

Laurie Chalifoux said...

I am praying for you and your family. It is so hard to keep moving forward when you're drained physically and emotionally. I just read an excerpt from Sarah Young's amazing devotional, "Jesus Calling." It says: "I am the great physician. My loving presence can both heal your wounds and train you to trust me more." He knows your struggles and wants us to lean on Him. This devotional has helped me to do that. Maybe this is something you could read together every day. Praying! Laurie

orchid said...

Dearest Teresa,
I do know or I experienced how much it is difficult for the mental doctor to prescribe the suitable medicine for the patients. I had talked my late bro into been admitted into the hospital in the local big general clinic after we tried some private clinics for his integration disorder syndrome. When he allowed to go home, his manic state got better but it was obvious for me that his depression was really bad. When I told the doctor, he said that he didn't want to use antidepressant.
Well, I DO hope that Ron can have a proper diagnosis for his symptom or he can stay in good mental state without medication.
I always am thinking for you both and Take Care of Yourself, my friend!!!
Love you always from Japan, xoxo Miyako*

lyndylou said...

I think you give yourself such a hard time when you are doing the work of many. It is natural to feel resentful and usually it is your nearest and dearest you feel resentful towards.

I think you are doing all the right things but Ron has to want to help himself too. It's no wonder he feels low when he is daily losing more and more independence. It's hard to accept for you both.

I hope you get the help you need and you can go back to just being his wife again. (((hugs))) XXX

Kathy's Klothesline said...

I am holding you close in my thoughts. This has to be so hard for you. I know you want what is best for him, but is has to be hard to worry constantly. Hard for him, too. I wish I has a magic solution......

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Chronic pain is such a difficult thing to bear--for both of you I'm sure. Keep looking for those niches of support to get you through these times, Teresa.

Lois said...

Of course you feel resentment and impatience. Anyone who could say they didn't, would be in denial. I so hope that you will be able to find some physical and emotional support [for both of you] so you can move forward with what you yearn to do. Sending you some healing energy, like a prayer, take care.

Bouncin Barb said...

Deja vu for me when I read this. All you can do is call the doctor and take it one day at a time from there. I know how easy it is for Ron to want to just give up on everything. That's the worst part. I too ran out of patience many a time with Rich and then would apologize to him. He always understood and tried to make smile. Chin up sweetie! Hugs.

lotta joy said...

Exactly what our neighbor is going through! She has had the ambulance at her house for so many non-emergency trips due to her husband falling.

But, due to all the ambulance bills, she finally got him into 'stay-care' rehab.

She is now going through the paperwork, lawyers and government lists of things to do where division of property is concerned.

BUT, she makes him breakfast before she leaves for work, rushes it to the rehab center and feeds him. Goes to work and does the same thing for his supper.

The rehab WOULD work, if he'd WORK IT! But he's grown so dependent on having constant assistance that he sees no reason to push himself.

In fact, I've written two posts regarding their situation and one is brand new as of today.

Golden years, my royal butt.

Somnia said...

Praying for you both. *Hugs*

kneesandpaws said...

I'm not sure what to say. Really, it is the most awful thing for both of you. How do we find fulfillment and joy in life when things look so bleak? I understand how tiresome this must be for you and for everyone, and wish things were different. When my father's cancer was progressing, there weren't many happy thoughts to go around. He was normally a vibrant, passionate person who loved debate, playing games like cribbage and scrabble, spending time with his dogs, cooking and gardening. But what can you do when you are so sick that it takes all the effort you have just to be awake? We experienced a long, sad goodbye. But I tend to keep my memories of him when he was active and engaged in his life. I hope that Ron is able to find some joy, someone or something to engage with that brings him an ounce of pleasure and happiness.