Tuesday, April 8, 2014


It is so odd to look at my phone and not see a missed call from either Ron or the nursing home.
It is so odd to know that my evenings don’t consist of trips to the nursing home.
It is so odd to know that I won’t ever get a phone call to tell me that Ron is on the floor – again.
It is so odd to know that all the things I think I’ll tell him the next time I see him won’t be said, at least in this lifetime.

I’ve read other blogs where people have lost a loved one and everyone copes in different ways. Some scream on the outside, some scream on the inside and look calm on the outside. Some have written posts to their deceased loved ones. I’m not sure I could put my deepest thoughts and feelings to Ron out there where others could read them. I’m not sure I’m ready to even put my deepest thoughts and feelings into words for myself. The void is there and it’s big… BIG…B.I.G.

I’m not sure how I’d be doing if Ron had still been living at home with me. Very odd to know that I now belong in a club that no one really wants to be a member of…

I am slowly getting back to normal, or as near normal as I can. It’s my new normal. I still have a lot of Ron’s things at home, such as some clothes, shoes, medical equipment, personal items from when he was a boy, etc. There are those things that I will part with as I go (the medical equipment) and some things that I will never part with and will leave for my kids to deal with once I’m no longer here. Some of his shirts I'm keeping for myself, such as a long-sleeved flannel shirt and some soft cotton T-shirts that he wore a lot. (I'd like to find someone to make a memory blanket for me out of the T-shirts.) I know I need to make a true will as the one I had before was only something very simple and left everything to Ron to dispose of. His was the same.

Going to bed at night is the hardest thing to adjust to. I haven’t slept in the same place as Ron since last September and even before then, he slept in his chair in the living room and I tried to sleep in the bedroom. I was always “on guard” though in case he needed me or got up. I was always worried that he would fall and he did on several occasions. It’s odd that I don’t have to sleep with one eye open any longer.

Thursdays are rough. I find myself looking at the clock for the exact time I think he quit breathing, the exact time the nursing home called me, and the exact time that I think they quit working to save him. Will those feelings go away? The first week after the funeral, I went to the cemetery every day. I didn’t go last week. I will go this week. I’m not sure why as I know that “he” is not there. I can talk to him just as well from home (and do) as I can standing there and looking at his resting place.
I have several voice mail messages on my phone still. Some are the upbeat Ron that everyone knew and loved. Some are the so sick he could barely talk Ron that he became in that last couple of weeks. Some days were better than others. February 14 was a great message that made me laugh. I took him Chinese food and he wanted me to bring him “some of those square round things with sausage in them” and did I know what he wanted (pot stickers). He loved his Valentine’s Day flowers and I’m so glad that I sent them.  His phone call on March 3 was pitiful; they had not admitted him to the hospital but sent him back with different medication. His phone call on March 5 was almost joyous – he had been admitted and was giving me his room number. They're little things and I know that as time goes on I'll deal better with them.

For now, it's just odd.


Lois said...

There are so many levels of grief and adjustment to loss. I remember talking to a woman I worked with at the library, and she had lost her husband around the same time I lost my parents and we talked about the anger, that neither one of us had expected. I am sorry you have lost your Ron, Lois from Ontario.

Lois said...

Not that you are feeling anger, I just remember so many levels of emotions...

joanne said...

I can't imagine how difficult this must be after caring for him for so long. I know you will find your way through this as you are a remarkably strong woman. he is with you. sending love and hugs to you...