Contemplating life

There are definitely days when it's a struggle to just exist and you think a lot about death. This is one of those days. Heck, it's been one of those weekends. It will be seven months tomorrow. I had to actually stop and think about how long it had been. Hard to believe that he's actually gone and then there are days when it slaps me upside the head. I had to admit to myself (finally) that I couldn't have done anything differently. Ron killed himself just as surely as if he'd pulled a trigger. He just chose to do it more slowly and a piece at a time, taking me and his children along for the ride. That wasn't very fair of him. That is harsh. But, sometimes reality is harsh. He always thought he wouldn't live to be any older than his father had been when he died, but he failed to take into consideration that his dad was a heavy smoker and he died from emphysema and lung cancer. He sabotaged his own life to live "down" to those expectations.

It worked, except he lived nine years longer than his dad did.

Now, I'm faced with cleaning up the emotional mess that was left behind and I'm not doing a very good job of it. I was thinking about my life here and how long I've lived here. It will be 31 years in January. I was thinking about how many "friends" I've made through the years and who I could call on if I needed someone. I came up with no one. N.O. O.N.E. (Except for two of my children.) That is sad. Oh, I have people I consider as being my friend, but I don't know that I'm their friend. You know, someone they invite places, call to chat, drop by for coffee/tea/etc., or invite to their house for the same. I am lonely. Spending every Saturday and Sunday like a hermit is not necessarily fun. Crashing Amy's house isn't always convenient for her (she just had a baby last week) or fair to them.

I hear from one son and my daughter (and son-in-law) on a regular basis. The rest? Not so much. I paid Faith to take me to get my eye surgery. Amy was too busy and it would have been an inconvenience to her, and no one else stepped forward to volunteer so I asked Faith and told her I'd pay her. I know that she would have taken me without money and she is one person I don't mind paying; she's working part-time and going to school full-time.

Yeah, I'm having a bad day and a bit of a pity party. BDD. Deal with it. Sometimes life is very tiring and I'm not always certain that what's left is really worth it. I want to give up and not get out of bed some days. Then I remember those who take time out of their lives for me and the beautiful grandchildren that I have, and I know that I'll keep plugging away at surviving until I have overcome the darkness that threatens to engulf me.