I had a really long talk with God yesterday morning about letting some of my walls and defenses down. I am thin-skinned – I admit it and I’ve struggled my whole life with it. I prefer to think of it as wearing my heart on my sleeve, but a true translation is probably that I get my feelings hurt easily. {sigh} I don’t know why that is the case, but it’s there.
I have many “hurts” that satan continues to throw up into my face, even when I think (and believe) that I have forgiven and moved on. Understandably, you can’t forget that an action took place, as there’s no way to undo something that has happened. But, we should be able to forget the pain that the action caused and therein lays my problem. Even perceived pain should be cast aside if we’ve forgiven the action. I can be enjoying something totally that has no bearing on the past and, suddenly, out of the clear I get this remembrance of an insult, a slight, or an actual event that “hurt.” It is time to let go and unburden myself of these things.
In that respect, I’ve taken some steps to clear the air with a few people. Part of the cloudy air between us is my fault, part their fault, part perceived fault, and partly the fault of others we were in contact with. I’ve extended the olive branch and asked forgiveness where I have either said something or did something that offended them and accepted my part in our troubled relationship. I can only wait to see if they accept and acknowledge how each side could have made tenuous relationships better.
Just to show you how the devil can use little things to plant seeds of doubt and mistrust in your mind…. In one instance, I paid for someone to attend a conference and did so anonymously. Later, when I asked around, including this person, about sharing a room (4 ladies to a room or you could pay to have one by yourself), they all said they had someone to share with. A couple of people only had one other person in their room so there was room for me, but the offer was not extended. I could not afford to pay for this person’s ticket – and to pay for myself to reserve my own room – so I did not get to go. None of the people I approached about sharing a room thought to ask me if “I” had someone to share with and/or if it meant the difference between me attending or not. In addition, none of them asked after the fact why I hadn’t been there or indicated that my presence was missed. The devil has used this against me for years to keep me from allowing myself to get close to people or allowing them to get close to me. I MUST keep the walls in place for self-preservation.
In another instance, I approached a lady who is near to my own age and indicated that I was very shy and didn’t have many friends in the area. I acknowledged that I’d really like to have some “girl” friends but none of my family or friends lived in this state. I outright asked her if she would help me to develop friendships, including one with her. Nothing ever came of it. I never asked again. I decided that I must not be friend material to her and her friends.
In another instance, I was encouraged to invest time into someone and share what was on my mind. I really hesitated on whether or not I was willing to do this. I don’t open up very easily to anyone. I think that is something that my dad taught me – keep it to yourself because no one really wants to hear it. I loved my dad but he really did plant a lot of the low self-esteem issues in my psyche. He didn’t mean to – I just think it was because of my own molecular makeup that his comments and actions affected me the way in which they did. Anyway, once I opened up – I got nothing in return. I tossed that around a bit and tried to decide – should I have not opened up, should I, or what. I decided (after much deliberation) that I think I shocked this individual with what I had to say and that this person didn’t quite know how to take me. LOL – take me with a grain of salt! Most of what I have to say I try to say very matter-of-factly and not with malice or discontent. I mostly succeed in not having a pity-party. Sometimes I fail. I might have failed that time in making my voice sound matter-of-fact. I don’t know. I let it bother me for a while but this was one instance in which the devil failed in his attempt to say, “See… so-and-so doesn’t like you either.” Maybe it’s true – and maybe it’s not. I don’t know for sure and I probably never will.
So, God is working on me to help me let go of the past. I know that I cannot go forward and expect God’s blessings if I don’t forgive, forget, and bless others. I’ll still make mistakes. I’ll still fall short. I’ll still make some people mad. All I can say is – please forgive me in advance for my stupidity. May God bless you and as He blesses you, He will also bless me.
Monday, January 18, 2010
How I met my sweetie - Part II
I have been a Christian most of my life – although I sometimes practiced my faith better than other times, but always with the knowledge that Christ died for my sins, that He is the only son of God, and no matter what kind of curves life throws at you, God is always there to lean on. In the winter of 1983, I was leaning on him very heavily. With the financial struggle, the relationship I knew was going nowhere, and the job situation I was in, I was beat down pretty heavily. I remember one night in particular near Christmas of heavy prayer, crying out to God that something – anything – needed to happen and that I needed a break, and asking in earnest what I should do. “Bid on the job in Wichita,” came the response. Clear as a bell, just like He was standing in the room right next to me. I had heard of people saying that God spoke to them, but I’d never experienced it before. I couldn’t deny the voice, as I heard it again very clearly and emphatically when I said, “I can’t bid on the job in Wichita; I have no money to move on.” He said, “Bid on the job in Wichita! It will be alright.”
So, I dried my tears and picked up the phone to call Paul Watson, our union representative. I did the verbal part of the paperwork and he sent me the part I needed to sign by overnight mail. One thing about Kansas City and Wichita… Even though we had the same general manager and reported to the same hierarchy, I didn’t really have bidding rights to jobs in Wichita. I did not know this and Paul did not know this. God knew it – but He provided a way for me to bypass that.
Somehow during my employment with WU in Kansas City, I became friends with a woman named Marie (although I can picture in my mind what she looked like, I cannot remember her last name). Her brother, Warren Young, was the general manager over Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. That was a very important friendship, but I had no idea how important until January of 1984. Warren Young called my home. He was going to be in the area the next weekend visiting his sister, who remembered me, and wanted to know if he could come to MY HOUSE and interview me for the position in Wichita. I was stunned. General Managers just didn’t go to peoples’ homes for interviews. But – if this was truly a “God thing” then him coming to my house was in God’s plan.
In the meantime, I got a telephone call from the sales manager in Wichita who wanted to set up an interview time with me and wanted me to drive to Wichita for this. I explained to her that I had an unreliable car (an old VW bug), two small children, and no one to keep them for me while I went out of town. Plus, I said that Warren had already called and set up an interview time for the coming Sunday. She was a bit flustered, said she’d get back to me, and hung up. That Saturday, my phone rang again and this time it was Tim Phares, the manager for the Wichita office. He reiterated that I needed to come to Wichita for an interview, but when I again said that Warren would be at my house the next day for an interview he decided that we’d do an informal interview right then, over the phone. My guess at the time was that he didn’t want to be “one upped” by the General Manager. Either way, it worked out well for me as Tim said he thought we’d “do” working together.
Sunday arrived; I sent my kids down the street to the sitter’s house and I patiently (anxiously) waited for Warren to arrive. Once he did, we chatted for about 30 minutes about various things – none of which had to do with my qualifications or skills. Finally, he stood up to leave and said, “So, do you think you can be there in two weeks?” I quickly said I could, in the back my mind thinking “how am I going to arrange that?” But, I did not want to pass up this opportunity to provide for my children. He said, “Fine, we’ll see you two weeks from tomorrow then,” and walked out.
I was flabbergasted and knew I had a lot of stuff to do. First off – call the housing office on Monday morning and put my townhouse on the market to be sold. This housing unit was a series of townhouses, 2, 3, or 4 bedroom units – all with fenced back yards and parking out front. None of it was covered parking. To live there, you had to pass a credit check, make a minimum amount of money, but below the maximum amount for your household size. You had to buy the equity from the person whose townhouse you were purchasing, and you built up a small amount of equity each month. Any improvements you made to the unit, such as carpet, paint, updated fixtures, etc. came out of your own pocket and not reimbursed by the management. But, you could pass these improvement costs down to the next person (within reason, of course). I had only lived there about six months but I had painted, put down carpet – that I got for free, no pad and not permanently installed. It was just “down” on the hardwood floors. I added the “cost” of these items to what I had paid six months earlier and presented my asking price to the management.
My parents thought I was nuts. I said if this was really what God was telling me to do, then it would happen in His time. The first person who looked at my townhouse bought my equity – and gave me $100 cash as down payment. This down payment came two days before I needed to put $100 down to reserve a moving truck for the weekend that I was moving. That was confirmation number one.
Confirmation number two was a bit slower, but it did come. My younger brother and his (first) wife lived in Wichita at the time. He worked at Boeing and she worked at a nursing home on the west side of town. They lived off Oliver, a bit south of Harry so she had a bit of traveling to do. I left my kids in Kansas City with other relatives and I headed to Wichita the Sunday before I was to report for work. Every night during that first week, my brother and I tried to find a place for us to live. If it was something that I could afford (my maximum was $325 per month), it was not in an area that he wanted me to live. If it was in a better area, either the price was too high or we wouldn’t fit. The second week, we did more of the same.
Finally, Wednesday morning came and I was scheduled to move in three days. I was reading the newspaper and came across an advertisement for an apartment complex at Tyler and Maple. $50 deposit – move-in special; large 2 bedroom on the ground floor - $305 per month. It had all of my pre-requisites. I called my sister-in-law and asked her if she knew where they were. She did, so she said she’d go check them out on her lunch. I told her that if she thought we’d fit (the kids had to share a room so it needed to be a good size) and if they still had ground floor, tell them I’d take it. She said, “Don’t you want to see it first?” I said no, since I was picking up the moving truck in three days – I’d take it sight unseen.
So, I dried my tears and picked up the phone to call Paul Watson, our union representative. I did the verbal part of the paperwork and he sent me the part I needed to sign by overnight mail. One thing about Kansas City and Wichita… Even though we had the same general manager and reported to the same hierarchy, I didn’t really have bidding rights to jobs in Wichita. I did not know this and Paul did not know this. God knew it – but He provided a way for me to bypass that.
Somehow during my employment with WU in Kansas City, I became friends with a woman named Marie (although I can picture in my mind what she looked like, I cannot remember her last name). Her brother, Warren Young, was the general manager over Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. That was a very important friendship, but I had no idea how important until January of 1984. Warren Young called my home. He was going to be in the area the next weekend visiting his sister, who remembered me, and wanted to know if he could come to MY HOUSE and interview me for the position in Wichita. I was stunned. General Managers just didn’t go to peoples’ homes for interviews. But – if this was truly a “God thing” then him coming to my house was in God’s plan.
In the meantime, I got a telephone call from the sales manager in Wichita who wanted to set up an interview time with me and wanted me to drive to Wichita for this. I explained to her that I had an unreliable car (an old VW bug), two small children, and no one to keep them for me while I went out of town. Plus, I said that Warren had already called and set up an interview time for the coming Sunday. She was a bit flustered, said she’d get back to me, and hung up. That Saturday, my phone rang again and this time it was Tim Phares, the manager for the Wichita office. He reiterated that I needed to come to Wichita for an interview, but when I again said that Warren would be at my house the next day for an interview he decided that we’d do an informal interview right then, over the phone. My guess at the time was that he didn’t want to be “one upped” by the General Manager. Either way, it worked out well for me as Tim said he thought we’d “do” working together.
Sunday arrived; I sent my kids down the street to the sitter’s house and I patiently (anxiously) waited for Warren to arrive. Once he did, we chatted for about 30 minutes about various things – none of which had to do with my qualifications or skills. Finally, he stood up to leave and said, “So, do you think you can be there in two weeks?” I quickly said I could, in the back my mind thinking “how am I going to arrange that?” But, I did not want to pass up this opportunity to provide for my children. He said, “Fine, we’ll see you two weeks from tomorrow then,” and walked out.
I was flabbergasted and knew I had a lot of stuff to do. First off – call the housing office on Monday morning and put my townhouse on the market to be sold. This housing unit was a series of townhouses, 2, 3, or 4 bedroom units – all with fenced back yards and parking out front. None of it was covered parking. To live there, you had to pass a credit check, make a minimum amount of money, but below the maximum amount for your household size. You had to buy the equity from the person whose townhouse you were purchasing, and you built up a small amount of equity each month. Any improvements you made to the unit, such as carpet, paint, updated fixtures, etc. came out of your own pocket and not reimbursed by the management. But, you could pass these improvement costs down to the next person (within reason, of course). I had only lived there about six months but I had painted, put down carpet – that I got for free, no pad and not permanently installed. It was just “down” on the hardwood floors. I added the “cost” of these items to what I had paid six months earlier and presented my asking price to the management.
My parents thought I was nuts. I said if this was really what God was telling me to do, then it would happen in His time. The first person who looked at my townhouse bought my equity – and gave me $100 cash as down payment. This down payment came two days before I needed to put $100 down to reserve a moving truck for the weekend that I was moving. That was confirmation number one.
Confirmation number two was a bit slower, but it did come. My younger brother and his (first) wife lived in Wichita at the time. He worked at Boeing and she worked at a nursing home on the west side of town. They lived off Oliver, a bit south of Harry so she had a bit of traveling to do. I left my kids in Kansas City with other relatives and I headed to Wichita the Sunday before I was to report for work. Every night during that first week, my brother and I tried to find a place for us to live. If it was something that I could afford (my maximum was $325 per month), it was not in an area that he wanted me to live. If it was in a better area, either the price was too high or we wouldn’t fit. The second week, we did more of the same.
Finally, Wednesday morning came and I was scheduled to move in three days. I was reading the newspaper and came across an advertisement for an apartment complex at Tyler and Maple. $50 deposit – move-in special; large 2 bedroom on the ground floor - $305 per month. It had all of my pre-requisites. I called my sister-in-law and asked her if she knew where they were. She did, so she said she’d go check them out on her lunch. I told her that if she thought we’d fit (the kids had to share a room so it needed to be a good size) and if they still had ground floor, tell them I’d take it. She said, “Don’t you want to see it first?” I said no, since I was picking up the moving truck in three days – I’d take it sight unseen.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
New Year's visitors
My totally awesome grandkids came from WA to visit. Of course, they brought their parents along for the ride because "someone" had to drive...
Aren't they just the cutest?
Kaitlyn is a very easy-going baby and when she warms up to you, she's all smiles. She got to go see her GiGi (my mom - great-grandma) on Sunday. GiGi was just totally impressed with how beautiful she is. Actually, my mom thinks both kids are just beautiful with gorgeous complexion and beautiful eyes. I totally agree.
The haircut... Jenny was in the hospital the week of Christmas and her parents were here visiting from Taiwan. While she was watching the kids, grandma Tina decided that Kaitlyn's hair was in her eyes, so she cut it. I was so surprised to see that her hair was missing. I guess grandma didn't realize she could put the hair up in a bow or clip. Oh well... the nice thing about hair is that it does grow back (usually). Here she is with bangs (not a good picture because it was with my web cam).
They will head back home on Sunday, the 10th. It is nice visiting and I love having them around, but we are old farts and don't like the clutter. I can get used to it to have my family around but I do enjoy having things in their place and not worry about small hands moving things they shouldn't have. Yesterday, Alexander knocked Ron's closet door off the track. I'm not sure it can be fixed. LOL - my son just about can't afford his visit here. So far, he's broken the shower door and will have to pay to have it fixed (about $100) and now his son has pulled the closet door off. In Alexander's defense, it was loose and Ron had damaged it one time by hitting it when he fell. The door saved Ron from hitting the floor hard, but it did sustain some damage to the track. Alexander just finished the job. If we can't fix it again, we'll have to get a new door and a new track. Oh well... The price of love.
You can't put a price on it, right?
Aren't they just the cutest?
Kaitlyn is a very easy-going baby and when she warms up to you, she's all smiles. She got to go see her GiGi (my mom - great-grandma) on Sunday. GiGi was just totally impressed with how beautiful she is. Actually, my mom thinks both kids are just beautiful with gorgeous complexion and beautiful eyes. I totally agree.
The haircut... Jenny was in the hospital the week of Christmas and her parents were here visiting from Taiwan. While she was watching the kids, grandma Tina decided that Kaitlyn's hair was in her eyes, so she cut it. I was so surprised to see that her hair was missing. I guess grandma didn't realize she could put the hair up in a bow or clip. Oh well... the nice thing about hair is that it does grow back (usually). Here she is with bangs (not a good picture because it was with my web cam).
They will head back home on Sunday, the 10th. It is nice visiting and I love having them around, but we are old farts and don't like the clutter. I can get used to it to have my family around but I do enjoy having things in their place and not worry about small hands moving things they shouldn't have. Yesterday, Alexander knocked Ron's closet door off the track. I'm not sure it can be fixed. LOL - my son just about can't afford his visit here. So far, he's broken the shower door and will have to pay to have it fixed (about $100) and now his son has pulled the closet door off. In Alexander's defense, it was loose and Ron had damaged it one time by hitting it when he fell. The door saved Ron from hitting the floor hard, but it did sustain some damage to the track. Alexander just finished the job. If we can't fix it again, we'll have to get a new door and a new track. Oh well... The price of love.
You can't put a price on it, right?
How I met my sweetie - part I
This is such a long story that I need to break it up into manageable pieces. This is part one...
Soon after my divorce was final in January 1983, I was laid off from my job at Western Union. I was devastated and barely able to support my children. I received no child support from my ex-husband (he wouldn’t keep a job) and was trying to live on the “barely more than” minimum wage job I found – which was better than the $103 weekly I had been receiving on unemployment. I don’t remember the exact details, but I think I cleared around $700 per month. Rent took $190, child care took $180, I had attorney fees ($50), gas and parking (maybe $50-$60 per month), utilities, life insurance, car insurance, and incidentals took more than the rest. In fact, once I paid the required expenses – no frills, no extras – I had $25-$30 per MONTH to spend on groceries for three people. Granted, two of them were small children but I challenge anyone to feed three people on $25 per month, and eat more than eggs or soup, which is what we mostly ate. My parents fixed my car three times in one month because I just didn’t have the money to do so. I had no car payment and there was no way that I could have traded for a better car. It was make do with what I had (a lot of people don’t understand that concept these days; they think “making do” does not include giving up cigarettes, cell phones, Internet, lattes, eating out, or any other habit they may have) and say a lot of prayers.
Through the generosity of others, my children did have Christmas that year but it was truly by the grace of God that they did. I had put a few things in layaway for them but had come to the realization that I was going to have to cancel it and they would pretty much have nothing. I only owed $25 on the layaway, but I didn’t have that and it was due out. The day I was going to get my refund, I got a check in the mail from my third cousin (my grandmother’s first cousin but we called her “aunt”) and the amount was $25. Only God knew how much money I needed because I hadn’t said anything to Aunt Helen. In addition, my mom’s co-workers always adopted a family for the holidays and they approached her and asked if she would be offended if they chose my little family. Mom was relieved and said that it would be a blessing for us all – for them to have some relief and for me to have a stocked pantry. Because it was us – someone tangible they could put faces to – we probably received more items than they usually gave. Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus delivered the goodies to our door and my children were enthralled. Shaun was five and Amy was two; their faces just lit up with amazement. They got toys, badly needed clothes, and we got FOOD! Lots of food. My mom had suggested they buy non-perishable stuff for us so it would last longer and actually gave them a list of things the kids didn’t like, so we didn’t get 15 cans of lima beans or 10 cans of stewed tomatoes – things little kids normally don’t eat. We got a large ham that I was able to cut into several good sized chunks and a couple of chickens that I was also able to cut up into manageable serving sizes. I was blessed. To top it off, I even got a gift certificate for myself to buy a badly needed pair of slacks for work. And, panty hose! I hadn’t been able to afford hose for months. And coffee! I’d had to give up my coffee months earlier and only had it when someone blessed me with it.
During the course of year, I dated a man who I knew did not want to marry me and who really only wanted one of my children – Amy. Shaun had issues, but who wouldn’t with the way he had been treated by not only his own father, but also by his father’s parents? They were a difficult bunch to deal with and it was harder and harder for me to send my children for visitation, knowing that my ex wouldn’t work or pay support, and anything provided to me by his parents had to be counted as child support (they took me grocery shopping one time – spent $50 and deducted it from my child support). They housed him, paid for the gasoline in his car, paid his car insurance, and fed him. He had to do nothing except pick up the kids every other weekend. My ex-MIL’s comment to me one time that “we take care of our own” really solidified that they did not accept their ONLY grandchildren, who just happened to be MY children, as part of “their” family. It was truly heartbreaking. Shaun was stood in the corner so long at their house one time that he picked the sheet rock off the wall, down to the stud, with his fingernail. Instead of realizing they’d left a then-four year old boy in the corner too long, they were angry that he’d defaced their wall.
Also during this time, I found out about a Western Union job that was up for bid in Wichita, KS (we were union workers). My former union representative had encouraged me to bid on the job, but I had just moved into low income housing (I had been on the waiting list for months and had to “buy” into the place, much like purchasing a brick-and-mortar piece of real estate), my car was unreliable, and I didn’t feel like I could really afford to pay for the move (since it was an out-of-district move, the company would not pay for it).
To be continued...
Soon after my divorce was final in January 1983, I was laid off from my job at Western Union. I was devastated and barely able to support my children. I received no child support from my ex-husband (he wouldn’t keep a job) and was trying to live on the “barely more than” minimum wage job I found – which was better than the $103 weekly I had been receiving on unemployment. I don’t remember the exact details, but I think I cleared around $700 per month. Rent took $190, child care took $180, I had attorney fees ($50), gas and parking (maybe $50-$60 per month), utilities, life insurance, car insurance, and incidentals took more than the rest. In fact, once I paid the required expenses – no frills, no extras – I had $25-$30 per MONTH to spend on groceries for three people. Granted, two of them were small children but I challenge anyone to feed three people on $25 per month, and eat more than eggs or soup, which is what we mostly ate. My parents fixed my car three times in one month because I just didn’t have the money to do so. I had no car payment and there was no way that I could have traded for a better car. It was make do with what I had (a lot of people don’t understand that concept these days; they think “making do” does not include giving up cigarettes, cell phones, Internet, lattes, eating out, or any other habit they may have) and say a lot of prayers.
Through the generosity of others, my children did have Christmas that year but it was truly by the grace of God that they did. I had put a few things in layaway for them but had come to the realization that I was going to have to cancel it and they would pretty much have nothing. I only owed $25 on the layaway, but I didn’t have that and it was due out. The day I was going to get my refund, I got a check in the mail from my third cousin (my grandmother’s first cousin but we called her “aunt”) and the amount was $25. Only God knew how much money I needed because I hadn’t said anything to Aunt Helen. In addition, my mom’s co-workers always adopted a family for the holidays and they approached her and asked if she would be offended if they chose my little family. Mom was relieved and said that it would be a blessing for us all – for them to have some relief and for me to have a stocked pantry. Because it was us – someone tangible they could put faces to – we probably received more items than they usually gave. Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus delivered the goodies to our door and my children were enthralled. Shaun was five and Amy was two; their faces just lit up with amazement. They got toys, badly needed clothes, and we got FOOD! Lots of food. My mom had suggested they buy non-perishable stuff for us so it would last longer and actually gave them a list of things the kids didn’t like, so we didn’t get 15 cans of lima beans or 10 cans of stewed tomatoes – things little kids normally don’t eat. We got a large ham that I was able to cut into several good sized chunks and a couple of chickens that I was also able to cut up into manageable serving sizes. I was blessed. To top it off, I even got a gift certificate for myself to buy a badly needed pair of slacks for work. And, panty hose! I hadn’t been able to afford hose for months. And coffee! I’d had to give up my coffee months earlier and only had it when someone blessed me with it.
During the course of year, I dated a man who I knew did not want to marry me and who really only wanted one of my children – Amy. Shaun had issues, but who wouldn’t with the way he had been treated by not only his own father, but also by his father’s parents? They were a difficult bunch to deal with and it was harder and harder for me to send my children for visitation, knowing that my ex wouldn’t work or pay support, and anything provided to me by his parents had to be counted as child support (they took me grocery shopping one time – spent $50 and deducted it from my child support). They housed him, paid for the gasoline in his car, paid his car insurance, and fed him. He had to do nothing except pick up the kids every other weekend. My ex-MIL’s comment to me one time that “we take care of our own” really solidified that they did not accept their ONLY grandchildren, who just happened to be MY children, as part of “their” family. It was truly heartbreaking. Shaun was stood in the corner so long at their house one time that he picked the sheet rock off the wall, down to the stud, with his fingernail. Instead of realizing they’d left a then-four year old boy in the corner too long, they were angry that he’d defaced their wall.
Also during this time, I found out about a Western Union job that was up for bid in Wichita, KS (we were union workers). My former union representative had encouraged me to bid on the job, but I had just moved into low income housing (I had been on the waiting list for months and had to “buy” into the place, much like purchasing a brick-and-mortar piece of real estate), my car was unreliable, and I didn’t feel like I could really afford to pay for the move (since it was an out-of-district move, the company would not pay for it).
To be continued...
Monday, January 4, 2010
It’s a new year…
My New Year’s resolution is to not let the little things in life get me down. That seems like a really mundane resolution, but in the grand scheme of things it’s really not. It’s very easy to get so caught up in the “blips” on the radar screen that we overlook the big things. The little things do sometimes build up and become bigger issues, but we don’t have to let them.
I tell my kids and my sister to not sweat the small stuff and to more or less pick their battles. That’s advice that I really try to follow myself and sometimes I am more successful than others. My biggest issues are Ron’s health and my acceptance of my responsibilities to make his life more enjoyable. I’m very lucky to have someone in my life who loves me unconditionally and that I can turn to with any issue and he’ll really listen to what I have to say. So what if I have to do some unpleasant cleaning more often than I’d like to? So what if I have extra laundry because – well, just because? Thank God that I have the opportunity to have to do these chores. That means that I’m capable of doing them and I need to be more grateful that I can.
Ron is falling more and the tremors are sometimes very bad. There are times when they’re hardly noticeable, but other times he shakes pretty violently. He is down quite a bit and said Saturday night that he needed to be in a care home to relieve my burdens. I had just done some pretty heavy duty cleaning, but that doesn’t happen that often so I told him that he just needed to can that crap. I do wonder where this year will take us, though. I’m an eternal optimist and I believe that we will persevere and get through any challenges that come our way.
We do have a new challenge to start the year with. The callous that had been just slightly irritated is now a full-fledged hole. I’ve called Dr. Heady and I’m trying to move his appointment from next week to today. So far, they haven’t called back and he’s only in the office during the morning hours on Monday. I’m afraid that waiting until the 11th will give this thing more time to get worse and we’ll be looking at a multi-month battle, just like the past two holes.
Charge! Forward the artillery! Bring out the heavy guns!
OK - so maybe that line doesn't make sense here but it was all I could think of. Got to end the post on a light note because I said last year that I'd work hard on not posting things that were depressing. {smack} Just reminded myself with a smack of the hands. Off to work...
I tell my kids and my sister to not sweat the small stuff and to more or less pick their battles. That’s advice that I really try to follow myself and sometimes I am more successful than others. My biggest issues are Ron’s health and my acceptance of my responsibilities to make his life more enjoyable. I’m very lucky to have someone in my life who loves me unconditionally and that I can turn to with any issue and he’ll really listen to what I have to say. So what if I have to do some unpleasant cleaning more often than I’d like to? So what if I have extra laundry because – well, just because? Thank God that I have the opportunity to have to do these chores. That means that I’m capable of doing them and I need to be more grateful that I can.
Ron is falling more and the tremors are sometimes very bad. There are times when they’re hardly noticeable, but other times he shakes pretty violently. He is down quite a bit and said Saturday night that he needed to be in a care home to relieve my burdens. I had just done some pretty heavy duty cleaning, but that doesn’t happen that often so I told him that he just needed to can that crap. I do wonder where this year will take us, though. I’m an eternal optimist and I believe that we will persevere and get through any challenges that come our way.
We do have a new challenge to start the year with. The callous that had been just slightly irritated is now a full-fledged hole. I’ve called Dr. Heady and I’m trying to move his appointment from next week to today. So far, they haven’t called back and he’s only in the office during the morning hours on Monday. I’m afraid that waiting until the 11th will give this thing more time to get worse and we’ll be looking at a multi-month battle, just like the past two holes.
Charge! Forward the artillery! Bring out the heavy guns!
OK - so maybe that line doesn't make sense here but it was all I could think of.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Christmas is gone for another year!
I was worried that this holiday was sneaking up on me and coming at me with both barrels. I was right - I did get everything accomplished that I wanted, but it was a lot of last minute work and switching some things around here and there. But, it was totally worth it to participate in the festivities.
Even though the weather was less than desirable, we drove to KC to see my family and play "the game" with everyone. It was fun. Thank you to Rex for doing all the driving. I'm usually the one behind the wheel and yesterday he braved the bad roads and frigid temps to take me to see my family. It was greatly appreciated (Amy can give him a big ole kiss and hug from me). The snow was blowing, the roads were awful, and the temperatures were bitter cold, in part because of the wind.
We didn't leave here until about noon. We would have gone sooner but couldn't decide if we were braving it or not. Amy didn't want to make the decision, Rex didn't want to make the decision, and I didn't want to impose on them because I knew it would be an up and back in one day trip, which is hard in good weather. If I drove myself, I would have spent the night and come back today (maybe - maybe not; the weather has not improved there) but no one wanted me to have to make the trip by myself and to drive on the horrid roads by myself. It was nice, because all of my siblings were there and all but a handful of the 2nd generation was there. Quite the crowd at my sister's house. My mom's health is not good and we all just wanted to spend the holiday together.
The game is an added benefit to the annual dinner. This year, I took a 12-inch seasoned cast iron skillet and 4 packages of corn bread mix. It was a hit. My sister Kris opened it, my brother Jerry stole it, and then my sister Michelle stole it from him. Michelle had brought a set of three cast iron skillets and was hoping to get one or the other of the gifts (she almost stole hers back but decided she could go get another set from JCP if she really wanted the other sizes). I ended up with the gift that Amy bought to take, which is a really nice wine bottle opener. Yes, I like wine. Not all the time; not every day or even every week, but I do like some every now and then and red wine is good for your heart. Doesn't do me much good if I can't get it open, though. hehehehe!
One of the gifts that Kris got was a table-top orange juice dispenser. It's made for a party - maybe a brunch - so people can help themselves. I wanted it but knew that it would be a dead item before I would get to it (my number was 29 out of 30; an item can be touched only 3 times before it's dead). My SIL Susie opened it, my brother Rob stole it, and Brandy's husband Bryan was going to steal it from him. But, he spoke too soon about wanting it and the course of action went like this... Michelle stole the frying pan from Jerry, Jerry stole the tools from Rex (the same tools that Rex had stolen from him), and Rex stole the drink dispenser from Rob. Bryan was not happy but that's how the game is played - buy the best gift you can for $15-$20 and see how many people really fight for it.
Rex said he took the tools originally because Jerry was talking about how much he liked them and how badly he wanted them. LOL - Amy had wanted Rex to steal a remote control car from her so it would then be dead and Isaiah could have it. Amy was #20 and Rex was #21 so they were good; Rex took the tools instead so then her cousin Jamie took it for her son Aiden. Rex said everyone expected him to take the car for Isaiah, but it was more fun for everyone for him to take the tools.
On the way home, he said that if Ron could use the drink dispenser he'd leave it for him. What do you think?
You put ice in the middle tube, hook it to the lid, and then put the water in the carafe - turn the handle and get nice, cold water.
Amy brought home a game for Isaiah after all - an electronic basketball game. He'll love it. Another SIL ended up with an ant farm. Unfortunately, she doesn't have any young sons to give it to and I'm afraid that we'll see it again next year.
Ron and Keith stayed home because Ron didn't think that he would be able to get into Michelle's house very easily. It would have been tough with the snow on the ground and probably not too safe for him to try. Keith's housemates were going to bring dinner to them but the roads were too bad, so I asked Ron's ex-wife if they would mind feeding them. She said no problem, they'd have plenty of food so she brought over enough dinner for them both - and as an added bonus, two of Ron's kids came and three of his grandchildren. It was nice for him to see them and he enjoyed it. We'll see the other grandchildren on Wednesday evening and then we also will see two from yesterday another day because I didn't know they were coming and I didn't leave their gifts where he would be able to get them. Oh well - that just means that I get to see them next week, too! LOL!
We're looking forward to seeing Shaun and Jenny next week! Alexander and Kaitlyn will get to have their Christmas with us on Saturday and then Sunday we'll go back to KC to show everyone the new baby. Fun, Fun, Fun!
I hope you all have a blessed New Year!
Even though the weather was less than desirable, we drove to KC to see my family and play "the game" with everyone. It was fun. Thank you to Rex for doing all the driving. I'm usually the one behind the wheel and yesterday he braved the bad roads and frigid temps to take me to see my family. It was greatly appreciated (Amy can give him a big ole kiss and hug from me). The snow was blowing, the roads were awful, and the temperatures were bitter cold, in part because of the wind.
We didn't leave here until about noon. We would have gone sooner but couldn't decide if we were braving it or not. Amy didn't want to make the decision, Rex didn't want to make the decision, and I didn't want to impose on them because I knew it would be an up and back in one day trip, which is hard in good weather. If I drove myself, I would have spent the night and come back today (maybe - maybe not; the weather has not improved there) but no one wanted me to have to make the trip by myself and to drive on the horrid roads by myself. It was nice, because all of my siblings were there and all but a handful of the 2nd generation was there. Quite the crowd at my sister's house. My mom's health is not good and we all just wanted to spend the holiday together.
The game is an added benefit to the annual dinner. This year, I took a 12-inch seasoned cast iron skillet and 4 packages of corn bread mix. It was a hit. My sister Kris opened it, my brother Jerry stole it, and then my sister Michelle stole it from him. Michelle had brought a set of three cast iron skillets and was hoping to get one or the other of the gifts (she almost stole hers back but decided she could go get another set from JCP if she really wanted the other sizes). I ended up with the gift that Amy bought to take, which is a really nice wine bottle opener. Yes, I like wine. Not all the time; not every day or even every week, but I do like some every now and then and red wine is good for your heart. Doesn't do me much good if I can't get it open, though. hehehehe!
One of the gifts that Kris got was a table-top orange juice dispenser. It's made for a party - maybe a brunch - so people can help themselves. I wanted it but knew that it would be a dead item before I would get to it (my number was 29 out of 30; an item can be touched only 3 times before it's dead). My SIL Susie opened it, my brother Rob stole it, and Brandy's husband Bryan was going to steal it from him. But, he spoke too soon about wanting it and the course of action went like this... Michelle stole the frying pan from Jerry, Jerry stole the tools from Rex (the same tools that Rex had stolen from him), and Rex stole the drink dispenser from Rob. Bryan was not happy but that's how the game is played - buy the best gift you can for $15-$20 and see how many people really fight for it.
Rex said he took the tools originally because Jerry was talking about how much he liked them and how badly he wanted them. LOL - Amy had wanted Rex to steal a remote control car from her so it would then be dead and Isaiah could have it. Amy was #20 and Rex was #21 so they were good; Rex took the tools instead so then her cousin Jamie took it for her son Aiden. Rex said everyone expected him to take the car for Isaiah, but it was more fun for everyone for him to take the tools.
On the way home, he said that if Ron could use the drink dispenser he'd leave it for him. What do you think?
You put ice in the middle tube, hook it to the lid, and then put the water in the carafe - turn the handle and get nice, cold water.
Amy brought home a game for Isaiah after all - an electronic basketball game. He'll love it. Another SIL ended up with an ant farm. Unfortunately, she doesn't have any young sons to give it to and I'm afraid that we'll see it again next year.
Ron and Keith stayed home because Ron didn't think that he would be able to get into Michelle's house very easily. It would have been tough with the snow on the ground and probably not too safe for him to try. Keith's housemates were going to bring dinner to them but the roads were too bad, so I asked Ron's ex-wife if they would mind feeding them. She said no problem, they'd have plenty of food so she brought over enough dinner for them both - and as an added bonus, two of Ron's kids came and three of his grandchildren. It was nice for him to see them and he enjoyed it. We'll see the other grandchildren on Wednesday evening and then we also will see two from yesterday another day because I didn't know they were coming and I didn't leave their gifts where he would be able to get them. Oh well - that just means that I get to see them next week, too! LOL!
We're looking forward to seeing Shaun and Jenny next week! Alexander and Kaitlyn will get to have their Christmas with us on Saturday and then Sunday we'll go back to KC to show everyone the new baby. Fun, Fun, Fun!
I hope you all have a blessed New Year!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Doctor updates
The main hole looks pretty darn good. It's only just slightly below the surface, which is amazing. The new hole isn't bad yet and we caught it pretty early, so hopefully we got it in time. Doc cleaned them both up pretty good and just put a light dressing on them both. We decided that maybe one of the reasons the brace isn't fitting well is because the dressing was too thick. So, a thinner dressing it is.
The knee surgery is on hold for a while. The next appointment is January 11 and if Ron has problems between now and then, we'll discuss surgery. So, maybe we won't need to go down that road.
So - basically all good news.
The knee surgery is on hold for a while. The next appointment is January 11 and if Ron has problems between now and then, we'll discuss surgery. So, maybe we won't need to go down that road.
So - basically all good news.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Two years…
That’s how long we’ve officially been working on keeping Ron’s foot attached to his leg. The first hole was the most severe and took from December 2007 until November 2008 for it to get to the point that it no longer needed the wound VAC, but didn’t completely close until March 2009. Since March, we’ve been dealing with a new hole that was caused by the first brace they gave him. Ron’s skin is so sensitive that it breaks open very easily. Just the crease of the seam of something across his skin can cause it to break down, and that’s what happened in the 2nd instance.
It’s finally almost the same level as the rest of his skin after having been doctored and trimmed on for several months. During this time, he’s developed what can only be called a callous on the side of his foot just past where the NEW brace hits. I’ve been watching it and last week I told him I thought it was seeping some fluid. That is not good where he is concerned.
I changed his dressing on Saturday evening and it was a little damp. We changed his dressing on Monday evening and the callous has broken completely open. It wasn’t solid underneath – but instead became a soft issue. Last night, not any worse but not any better.
Honestly – I know there are people in this world who are dealing with much worse problems than what I’m dealing with. They’ve taken care of health issues in their loved ones that completely surpass what is going on in mine. My hat is off to them because I don’t know how they keep a “stiff upper lip” and keep going. I greatly admire them. I work really hard at putting on a cheerful face at work but if people ask me how Ron is doing, I don’t lie. I say he’s not good. He moves from the bed to the chair. Then he’ll move from the chair to the bed. In between he’ll take himself to the bathroom and maybe – just maybe – go into the kitchen for something to eat that’s easy for him to fix. He goes nowhere unless I take him, which isn’t to much more than the doctor. We will occasionally go to the movies or to eat breakfast together. Not much more than that. Now that the weather is bad he probably won’t go out as much as before because he knows it’s really hard for me to take care of the scooter in the cold.
I really think he will be having knee surgery soon and I hope we can get it scheduled for while Shaun and Jenny are here to help with him. He sees the knee surgeon and the foot surgeon on Monday morning. I hope the knee doctor can schedule surgery right after Christmas and I hope the foot surgeon has good news about the foot and can tell us what to do for the recurring holes in new locations.
It’s finally almost the same level as the rest of his skin after having been doctored and trimmed on for several months. During this time, he’s developed what can only be called a callous on the side of his foot just past where the NEW brace hits. I’ve been watching it and last week I told him I thought it was seeping some fluid. That is not good where he is concerned.
I changed his dressing on Saturday evening and it was a little damp. We changed his dressing on Monday evening and the callous has broken completely open. It wasn’t solid underneath – but instead became a soft issue. Last night, not any worse but not any better.
Honestly – I know there are people in this world who are dealing with much worse problems than what I’m dealing with. They’ve taken care of health issues in their loved ones that completely surpass what is going on in mine. My hat is off to them because I don’t know how they keep a “stiff upper lip” and keep going. I greatly admire them. I work really hard at putting on a cheerful face at work but if people ask me how Ron is doing, I don’t lie. I say he’s not good. He moves from the bed to the chair. Then he’ll move from the chair to the bed. In between he’ll take himself to the bathroom and maybe – just maybe – go into the kitchen for something to eat that’s easy for him to fix. He goes nowhere unless I take him, which isn’t to much more than the doctor. We will occasionally go to the movies or to eat breakfast together. Not much more than that. Now that the weather is bad he probably won’t go out as much as before because he knows it’s really hard for me to take care of the scooter in the cold.
I really think he will be having knee surgery soon and I hope we can get it scheduled for while Shaun and Jenny are here to help with him. He sees the knee surgeon and the foot surgeon on Monday morning. I hope the knee doctor can schedule surgery right after Christmas and I hope the foot surgeon has good news about the foot and can tell us what to do for the recurring holes in new locations.
Friday, November 13, 2009
I have the best teacher...
School is going well. My first two classes finished with an A+ in each. My third class ended last week and it was also an A+ (Corporate Finance, no less - what a shocker; but since it was mostly a paper writing class - and I can write papers - I did well). The fourth class doesn't end until December 20 and there is quite a bit of writing for it as well.
This class is very interesting as it's an educational philosophy class. The early philosophers (Aristotle, Plato) really laid the foundations for later philosophers to follow (Bacon, Locke, Descartes, and more). Many of these have similar thoughts and ideas concerning education and many of these have very differing ideas.
This week, we are studying Jean Jacques Rousseau, Pestalozzi, Comenius, Froebel, and Elkind. On Thursday of each week, we have a post due regarding a discussion question. By Sunday, we have to reply to at least two other posts and also do some other assignment (varies each week). They're not hard but do take some time, especially for me because I don't like to do anything half-way and if we're to respond to two, I usually respond to five or six. My case studies are longer and my papers are longer. That's just how it's done. It works for me and I have an A+ so far to show for it.
With Ron's surgery this week, I got behind. For some reason when I sat down tonight, I thought I was working on my Thursday assignment - which I was, but it's FRIDAY. So, I sent the teacher a note and explained that life had gotten in the way of my best laid plans, Ron had surgery, I was behind, and didn't realize that I was a day late. I also asked her some other questions on a couple of issues I have about other assignments that I cannot quite do because of Ron's health.
She is fantastic. She sent me back the nicest note and said that we would work outside the box for me and that with my crazy life, she was more than willing to be very flexible with what I had left to do.
I told her I thought I could just kiss her. LOL - but I was serious.
This class is very interesting as it's an educational philosophy class. The early philosophers (Aristotle, Plato) really laid the foundations for later philosophers to follow (Bacon, Locke, Descartes, and more). Many of these have similar thoughts and ideas concerning education and many of these have very differing ideas.
This week, we are studying Jean Jacques Rousseau, Pestalozzi, Comenius, Froebel, and Elkind. On Thursday of each week, we have a post due regarding a discussion question. By Sunday, we have to reply to at least two other posts and also do some other assignment (varies each week). They're not hard but do take some time, especially for me because I don't like to do anything half-way and if we're to respond to two, I usually respond to five or six. My case studies are longer and my papers are longer. That's just how it's done. It works for me and I have an A+ so far to show for it.
With Ron's surgery this week, I got behind. For some reason when I sat down tonight, I thought I was working on my Thursday assignment - which I was, but it's FRIDAY. So, I sent the teacher a note and explained that life had gotten in the way of my best laid plans, Ron had surgery, I was behind, and didn't realize that I was a day late. I also asked her some other questions on a couple of issues I have about other assignments that I cannot quite do because of Ron's health.
She is fantastic. She sent me back the nicest note and said that we would work outside the box for me and that with my crazy life, she was more than willing to be very flexible with what I had left to do.
I told her I thought I could just kiss her. LOL - but I was serious.
Well...
I know I said I wouldn't post again until I had something positive to say. I do...
Since my last test, Ron has seen the gastro and had a motility study (which was negative) and this past Monday he had surgery. Now, a colonoscopy with polyp and hemorrhoid removal is not a major thing; in fact, it's usually pretty minor. What most people don't realize is that nothing with Ron is a minor thing. They had to do light general anesthesia because of his sleep apnea, and had to put a tube down his throat. In doing so, they scratched his throat and pinched his top lip. His lip is still swollen but not as bad as it was and his throat finally doesn't hurt.
Dr. Porter said he removed several very LARGE items from the area and some smaller polyps. He told me that he did some pretty major work there and that Ron would be very sore. He was not kidding. If this was someone who could take care of himself, it would still be a pain in the rear (pun intended) but with Ron he doesn't really have the manual dexterity to run the bidet and he absolutely cannot get into a tub of water (with his foot the way it is, he cannot submerge it into water). Plus, he's supposed to use the bidet each time he goes to the restroom. It's been pretty hectic trying to get him his "scheduled" times for soaking and then adding the extra times for soaking.
Ron's been on his normal pain medication routine (Fentanyl patches, Lortab) and got Percoset added. He says he's in as much pain tonight as he was on Monday. Poor guy. Can't sit, can't stand, and not too terribly comfortable lying down, either. I feel so sorry for him (and for myself just a bit as well; when he's up then I'm also up). I'm sure he will be very glad when things start feeling better.
But - PRAISE GOD - there was no cancer! That makes this a very positive post.
Since my last test, Ron has seen the gastro and had a motility study (which was negative) and this past Monday he had surgery. Now, a colonoscopy with polyp and hemorrhoid removal is not a major thing; in fact, it's usually pretty minor. What most people don't realize is that nothing with Ron is a minor thing. They had to do light general anesthesia because of his sleep apnea, and had to put a tube down his throat. In doing so, they scratched his throat and pinched his top lip. His lip is still swollen but not as bad as it was and his throat finally doesn't hurt.
Dr. Porter said he removed several very LARGE items from the area and some smaller polyps. He told me that he did some pretty major work there and that Ron would be very sore. He was not kidding. If this was someone who could take care of himself, it would still be a pain in the rear (pun intended) but with Ron he doesn't really have the manual dexterity to run the bidet and he absolutely cannot get into a tub of water (with his foot the way it is, he cannot submerge it into water). Plus, he's supposed to use the bidet each time he goes to the restroom. It's been pretty hectic trying to get him his "scheduled" times for soaking and then adding the extra times for soaking.
Ron's been on his normal pain medication routine (Fentanyl patches, Lortab) and got Percoset added. He says he's in as much pain tonight as he was on Monday. Poor guy. Can't sit, can't stand, and not too terribly comfortable lying down, either. I feel so sorry for him (and for myself just a bit as well; when he's up then I'm also up). I'm sure he will be very glad when things start feeling better.
But - PRAISE GOD - there was no cancer! That makes this a very positive post.
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