Wednesday, October 22, 2008


Monday evening:
Me: How come you didn't take your morning pills?
Him: I did.
Me: No, they're still in the medicine cup, right where I put them.
Him: Oh. Then I guess I didn't take them.
Me: And, why???
Him: Forgot I guess. I'll take them tomorrow morning.

This morning (as he's eating a bowl of cereal):
Me: Ron, you didn't take your pills again yesterday morning.
Him: I didn't?
Me: No, you didn't.
Him: Bring them to me and I'll take them right now.
Me: I'll have to go back and get them. (walk back to bathroom, get pill cup, bring it to the kitchen, and put it on the counter.) Here.
Me: How come you didn't take your pills?
Him: no answer; chews, swallows, takes another bite.
Me: Taking them right now doesn't explain why you didn't take them yesterday.
Him: still no answer. Just eating.
Me: You say you don't know what to say to me when I'm upset but I'm not, I'm just asking you a question because I'm concerned. (silence) Never mind, I see you're not going to answer me.
Him: I was chewing.
Me: No, actually you were not. (by now, I'm ticked) You chewed, swallowed, and then took another bite while ignoring what I was asking.
Me (as I'm loading the dishwasher and look up to see that he's gone): Where are you now?
Him: I went to the bedroom to get my pills.
Me: They're right here! I brought them to you just like you asked me to.
Him: No comment... no conversation... silence

Me: I'm going to work. I'll talk to you later.

As I'm driving to work I'm trying to formulate exactly what is going on with this relationship. I no longer feel like I'm the wife. I feel like I've been demoted to the caretaker and you don't have to talk to your caretaker if you don't want to. After all, how important is a caretaker? You have no emotional attachment to the caretaker since it's their job to take care of you. No more, no less.

When did I cease to be the wife, someone he would talk to and carry on a conversation with? When did it become silence between us except when we're discussing medical problems, doctors appointments, medical expenses, and so forth? When did I transfer over to the role of caretaker first, spouse second? I don't know but I don't like it.

I'm nearly to work when he calls. He's worried, he says. So am I, I say. But, we're worried for different reasons. He thinks I've given up on him and I'm going to "put him away" while I'm worried that he's losing his mind. I tell him that even *IF* I wanted to put him somewhere (which I don't), financially there is no way to do so. He has nothing to worry about. I'm in it for the long haul. When you commit to someone, it doesn't mean you stay until the going gets tough. It means you keep on keepin' on.

Me, on the other hand, I worry about his health, his mind, his total being. I tell him that I don't feel loved or appreciated, that when he does not even attempt to engage in conversation with me that it tells me I'm just not important enough to him to put out the effort. I tell him that I feel I'm the only one doing all that I can to help him get better. I buy him food, tell him what's there, or specifically tell him to eat a particular thing and he does not. He asks me to get stuff (such as lunch meat and cheese) and I end up throwing it out because it has gone bad. He says he didn't know the lunch meat was there. I say yes, you did because you had at least one sandwich from it. He says he doesn't remember. I say I buy you the Lean Cuisine meals that you want (a week's worth at a time) and it takes three weeks with me taking some to work to use them up. He says he didn't know they were there. I tell him I showed him where they were.

I tell him his attempt at getting himself better is to lay in the bed with his leg up and do nothing. He doesn't do any of the exercises the PT or OT taught him to do. The doctor has even told him that he doesn't have to stay in bed, he's just to not put any weight on his foot. He does nothing but sleep and watch TV and then wonders why he can't sleep at night. He says he should write down the things he does. I say that would be good for him, and good for his brain. He says he can't write. I say I know this but it was worth a shot.

He says he's trying to eat less so he will take some of the extra weight off. I tell him that not taking his medication and not eating is not how to do it. I tell him if he doesn't do something about some kind of exercise he'll be too weak to do anything once he's able to be up and around again. He says he does lots but when asked he can't name a thing.

I tell him that he's been through a lot - people say how much he's been through and all that he's suffered. I tell him that I fully understand that because I've been with him every step of the way.

He doesn't understand how not talking to me makes me feel less important. I try to explain to him if the roles were reversed - and if he was talking to me and I just kept right on doing what I was doing, how would that make him feel? I say the only time I don't answer him is if I absolutely don't hear him (and being 50% deaf, I have a good excuse). Other than that I always, always, reply to him. I never know if I'm going to get a response or not. He says he thought it was a rhetorical question. I say even so, he should have had some kind of reply. We've had the discussion before that I hate it when he ignores me. I really feel very unimportant when he does so - even if he does think I'm mad. Big deal. Discuss it. What am I going to do? Probably nothing but talk about it.

He finally admits that he would probably feel pretty badly, too if I treated him the same way.

Mission accomplished! At least there's a glimmer of hope that he'll put out some effort in the future. I did tell him the other day that if I wanted to live in silence, I could live alone. I don't enjoy feeling like we're housemates and nothing else. Except housemates share the responsibility for things. We don't. It's all me - and what I give to Amy.

Amy said she heard us this morning. I knew she would. Oh well. It couldn't be helped and it's not like we were screaming at each other. We weren't. I didn't storm out or slam any doors. I just left in resignation that this must be all there is to this life. How fun. She says what I said was a little harsh and that I need a real outlet, not just the blog. Where does she suppose I'm going to find that, and if I do find it how would I pay for it, use it, or benefit from it? I can't even plan an overnight away without making sure all the bases are covered with firm commitments from those involved that I won't be left hanging.

I honestly don't resent it but I am tired. Neither of us signed on for this when we said "I do." No one does. You go into a relationship with your eyes wide open, but with blinders on. Blinders to block out the possible outcomes and the possible scenarios. No one wants to imagine how life could be - and often is.

Even if I knew that today is where I'd end up, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. He's the love of my life, he was my Prince Charming, and my soul mate. There could be no other for me but him, no matter what the path we may have trod.

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