Sunday, August 1, 2010

Sunday, Sunday...

It's been one of "those" weekends - not quite the hysteria of the days past but not quite the cool, calm, and collected persona that I like to present to people. Friday night when I went to buy the gifts for Amy's shower, I started crying at the checkout counter. Luckily, I was in a very small store and the owner was working the cash register. She just came around the counter and gave me a big ole hug and said everything would be just fine. She said for me to come talk to her anytime I wanted and that she'd be praying for us. I was able to present a calm front for Amy's shower and that was very important to me.

Saturday, Ron was a bit down during the day. His sugar has been elevated and he wasn't feeling quite up to snuff, so I didn't stay very long. He wanted to sleep (he was legitimately tired) and I needed to wash his laundry so I only stayed a couple of hours. By the time HE was feeling better, the gloom had transferred themselves to me. Keith finished moving in and then went out with his friend who had helped him. They went to another friend's house to cool off and swim. Sounded like fun. I did not enjoy being home alone so I took myself to bed. Nothing here to really eat so I had a piece of Amy's shower cake and some cookies. That made my sugar 145 this morning. Oops...

This morning, we went to church and at the altar call, Keith leaned over and said that he was going to join the church. I thought that was great and he made his way forward. He's going to be baptized next Sunday, which will be nice because my mom will be here and Ron will be home from the rehab and he'll be there. We're going to surprise Ron with it though and not tell him until he sees Keith in the baptistry. Ought to be an emotional time for him.

We went to see Ron after church and stayed for only about an hour. I was feeling really tired and a bit sick so we came on home. I did some laundry (Keith brought in at least 7 loads and since I was bored, restless, and didn't want to go to bed last night, I did all but 2 of them; finished the last 2 this afternoon along with my own clothes). Keith left to go back to his friend's house to celebrate another friend's birthday. I was feeling pretty left out because the other friend is my friend, too and I wished they'd have thought to ask if I wanted to come along. Oh well... Sucks when you realize that you're too old to go to a friend's birthday cookout - even if you are old enough to be her mother. LOL!

Decided I'd take a nap since I was having this lovely pity party but Ron called about 30 minutes into it. While I was talking to him my sister called on the other phone. I don't dare try to go take a nap now because if I do, I'll be wide awake at about 3:00 or so - I may be anyway but I sure not need to guarantee it by going to bed early.

I really wish that I could feel a sense of relief instead of this overwhelming sense of dread that's hanging over my head. I've got a great wedding coming up, a new son-in-law (who is fabulous), my youngest son moved back in, and Ron coming home on Wednesday. I am thrilled with all of that but the overriding feeling is the one of fear with regard to Ron coming home. What if??? What if??? What If??? WHAT IF??? I'm not sure I can do it; I'm not sure he can do it; I'm not sure we can do it.

One of Ron's doctors (a staff doctor at the rehab center) happens to go to the church we've been attending. He brought his wife over to meet me this morning (she works there, too and has already visited with Ron) and I just started crying again when talking about him coming home and me going back to work. I'm going to do all that I can to ensure he has a safe place and access to as much as he can - but I can't control everything in his environment and I have to go back to work. Most of my co-workers have not asked how he's doing; they could be they're waiting for me to volunteer information but I really don't want to walk up to someone and start out a conversation with how things are going with Ron. Like many people have said, they wouldn't know what to do for me so it's easier to just not ask - and I really understand that, but it would be nice to hear something from them, even if it's only "how is Ron doing today?". I don't expect them to volunteer to do anything for me; they are all busy, they have their own lives, and my problems are not their responsibilities. Just expressing some concern every once in a while would be awesome. I seriously don't know whether to go to work and volunteer information (what if they really just don't want to hear it) or wait until someone asks (and they may be thinking if I want them to know, I'll volunteer it). LOL! Catch-22 situation.

Tomorrow morning, I'm taking the car back to the rehab center so Ron can practice transferring in and out of it again. He did really well last week so hopefully he'll do just as well, if not better. He's running a low-grade fever this evening, which has him a bit concerned. He had the nurse take a look at his incision and she said it looked good - not red or puffy. Understandably, he's very careful with it and wants to only make sure it doesn't get injured or infected. That would be ugly.

I'm going to try and find something constructive to do and maybe take my mind off of things this evening - that doesn't involve numbing it with alcohol. I could do that. In fact, I could do that very easily.

Thank you all so much for your prayers and support. Just writing my thoughts and fears down makes them seem less intimidating. The shadows on the wall don't have to loom ominously over me. I can talk them down to a manageable size.

God's blessing to you all.

7 comments:

skippymom said...

I thought Keith was there to help you. Why are you doing his laundry while he goes swimming and attends a birthday party. [Sorry Keith, but really?]

I know you are scared about Ron coming home. Who wouldn't be? But if people aren't giving you the answers you want and aren't inquiring then you have to step forward and ask. Honestly Tee - you seem so frustrated and I know you need the help but it isn't going to materialize without the asking.

It is frustrating to be so far away and not be able to help - so perhaps my voice is falling on deaf ears - but I want you to survive this. And you worry us all.

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

To his credit, Keith didn't ask me to do them and he fully intended to do them today. But, last night was a restless night for me so I did them instead of eating all night. See??? Simple explanation. He's really been a big help already just in the fact that he's asking how my dishwasher works, how the washer and dryer works, and he cooked me breakfast this morning. And cleaned up after it.

It'll be a learning curve for him and us but he's really trying.

I know I need to ask more. I do think they are going to set up home health immediately so that will be good (if they can get it done).

I don't mean to worry people. I will survive. I am one tough ole broad. Just gotta get over this rough patch. Ron's friend is going to build the railing for us so that takes a big worry off.

I will be more upbeat again...I promise!

TinaM said...

I'm sorry to see you so worried. When he gets home, hopefully everything will settle into place and it will be just fine.
When you start to worry, also remember that you're not alone and you son will be there to help now...

I don't know where you work or how close you all are... but do you have a bulletin board? Or coworkers emails? I was thinking you could put up a note saying "As you know things are stressful right now, and I could really use a little help. If you could help at all with any of the following, or know someone who can, Please Call..." and make a list! Also email it to EVERYONE... you might be surprised! Or let down... but it's worth a shot...

colenic said...

Hugs....positive thoughts your way everyday....

Kathy's Klothesline said...

It is good to put it all down "on paper" isn't it? Seems a little less intimidating. Sometimes people don't know what to say when you see them on a day to day basis. Are you sleeping? You really need to take care of yourself and you can't keep going without rest.

No more fussing at you! Keep writing it all down and leave those feelings behind. Know that out here in cyberspace we are pulling for you!

Kathy said...

I'm thinking about you. Hang in there. Don't play the What If game..stay in the moment.

Marla said...

I would cry too. Your plate has been more than full. It has been overflowing. You amaze me with all you go through and do. You're a wonderful woman, Teresa.