Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Just venting

Sunday was a very stressful day for me. I don’t know why, but I felt like my nerves weren’t just at the surface, they were above the surface. I don’t usually have bad days but I imagine that at some point during trials everyone has a bad day now and then. I don’t want to complain, and I think that most of the time I do well with that. Amy said I should just blog it so here I am. I didn’t intend to but figured it was important to show the “bad” side of me as well as to show anything else.

On the last Sunday of every month our church has a group lunch and then fellowship time. We also don’t have services that evening so people don’t feel like they’ve got to rush home and then come back again in just a few short hours. Since Ron’s been sick we’ve missed February, March, and April. I figured he’d feel like going for the May service but he’s actually only been to church two or three times since the middle of February. Until he got off the IV medication I didn’t want him to go because of the risk of infection. Since he’s been on this new antibiotic he’s hardly felt like getting out of bed.

With the financial stress that we’re under I wasn’t sure I could even afford to take a fair share of food so I didn’t know if we’d plan on attending or not. I fixed a bunch of fried chicken legs on Saturday evening so decided we could take those and I wouldn’t feel badly about attending and eating.

Sunday morning he did not feel up to attending church but he told me to go ahead and stay for the dinner. I told him that I didn’t want to leave him alone that long with him not feeling well and that I’d just come home. Church lasted a bit longer than usual and a couple of people urged me to stay. When I said that Ron was too ill for me to stay, they urged me to take some food home for us to eat. At first I deferred because he’s not had much of an appetite but I finally relented and went to fix a plate.

With his dietary restrictions I had to be very picky about what I took home but I found a nice selection of food to take him. Even though I was urged to fix a plate for each of us, I could only carry one and I thought that since Ron hadn’t felt well and hadn’t eaten much lately, one plate would be enough for both of us. Since no one volunteered to help me out I just left it at that.

I got the food home and fixed up the tray for Ron, who was still in bed. He asked if I had stayed for the dinner and I said that I had not wanted to leave him alone that long. He asked if where was my food and I said I could only carry one plate. I honestly thought he’d tell me to get another fork or he’d save me something. I left the room to go change and when I came back, he’d eaten every bite. I don’t know why this upset me so much, because I wanted him to eat, but it did. I think I wanted him to think of me. When I expressed frustration he asked me what was wrong. I said I thought he’d save me something to eat. He asked me why I just didn’t say anything and I said I didn’t think I had to and that I just assumed that he’d be considerate and think of me, too. He said he “told” me to stay and eat with the others but I told him that I couldn’t do that, especially since I’d told everyone how bad he felt and how would it look for me to stay and socialize when he’s home sick in bed with no lunch.

Once I realized that he felt better I was really upset as I figured he “could” have gone to church. He’s been wallowing in self-pity for the past couple of weeks and because he has, he’s really not been considerate of anyone else’s feelings – so I told him that, too. But, I told him in a nicer way. “I could say that you’ve been wallowing in self-pity for the past couple of weeks, but that would be rude. I could also say that you’ve been very inconsiderate of everyone else around you, but that would be rude, too.” He agreed that it would be true.

While I was having my meltdown, I did apologize to him and say it was my own fault for not speaking up and ASKING him to save me some food but I was just really hurt that he didn’t think of me. I said I’m always dropping what I’m doing and running to see what he needs, when he needs it, and taking care of everything for him and I’d just like for him to realize it and think of me, too. I said I felt very left out and that I was really upset that even though he didn’t want to socialize that I thought it was very inconsiderate of him to expect me to do without friendship and fellowship with others. Even now, two days later writing this it’s painful to admit and think about.

I said people are always asking how he’s doing and is there anything they can do for him, but no one asks how I’m doing or if I need anything. I realize that I shouldn’t want people to focus on me but it would be nice for someone (other than Amy) to ask if there was anything I needed. The pastor’s wife will ask “you doing alright?” but I don’t really feel like I should say anything other than “OK.”

I told him that he had expressed to me how lonely he was and how alone he felt so I’d been doing all I could to spend all of my free time with him. Staying home alone day in and day out, with very few visitors, is very tiring. Even though he is somewhat of a loner he does get tired of it only being him, the TV, and the dog.

He said, “Let’s get me dressed and we’ll go back up to the church so you can join in the fun.” At that point, I knew everyone was finished and they would be clearing the food away so I declined. I was just so beside myself that I couldn’t get over it. It had to be just “one of those days” and I knew I’d eventually be fine.

A bunch of people were then going to play softball and he said I should go to that. Again, I said I could not go off and leave him. Amy got home after that and tried to get me to go, too. I knew I would not have a good time watching everyone play softball.

Eventually my meltdown ended and the rest of the weekend was fine. Today I’m fine and I’m sure tomorrow I’ll be fine, too.

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