Saturday, October 24, 2009

The circle of life

I've been finding myself deep in thought these days. Not sure if I'm contemplating my future, reminiscing over the past, regretting parts of it - or maybe a combination of all three. I look at my husband while he's sleeping and wonder what is going on in his body and his mind. I can't help but wonder how much longer I'll be blessed with his physical presence in my life; he'll always be in my life but not always physically. I watch Isaiah at play and marvel at the person that he is. I think about Alexander and Kaitlyn - waiting for that day when I see our baby girl for the first time, lose myself in my love for her, and give Alexander a big hug and kiss from his grandma. I want to catch up on all the things that I've missed on his growing and where he'll go from here. What goes on in his mind? What is he thinking and how can I get him to share it with me?

There is a circle of life that encompasses us all – dream – hope – faith – live. You can’t have one without the others and life is not complete without hopes and dreams. I have to admit, I am a dreamer. Dreaming gives me hope for the future, for without hope you have nothing. So, there you have a continuous circle… Live…dream…hope…faith…live… the circle of life.

I dream about many things – futures for my children and grandchildren, better health for my husband, happiness for my friends and family, and even how I can be of service to others. I am a “rescuer” and sometimes I dream about being the “rescued” one instead.

Does that make me selfish because I want to be resuced for a change? It's nice to have LeCole here and willing to do Ron's wound care. I can do it, but it's not something I enjoy doing. Amy can do it, but she enjoys it less than I do. If I'm out of town, Keith will come do it but it's not convenient for him to do so. I love having Amy, LeCole, and the kids around and it gives me a break because I don't feel bad when I do leave Ron for a bit. I have gone to KC without him (he can't get into anyone's house because of the stairs) but I don't like to go without him. I did a "girls night out" slumber party last night and had a great time and didn't call him once (shame on me!). But, today when I saw him and realized how badly he feels I felt bad that I didn't call him last night or this morning.

Oh well - life goes on and we do the best that we can.


Kathy's Klothesline said...

Sometimes life is hard and we all need a break.... that includes you. Don't second guess what you may or may have not done.

Pat said...

You need to get away, even for a little bit, to refresh, regroup, so then you can go back and appreciate your time with him that much more. Don't beat yourself up - you are human. It is SO HARD for the caregiver.