Saturday, October 23, 2010

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for

Wow - really getting into the "meat" of things here. I have so many things I need to forgive myself for that I don't even know where to start. Why is it easier to forgive others than to forgive ourselves? If we don't forgive ourselves, have we really forgiven others? Do we know what true forgiveness really is?

I made a lot of mistakes with my kids, so that forgiveness needs to be high on the list. I need to forgive myself for when I failed God and His plans for me. I need to forgive myself for when I failed "me" and didn't follow through on things that were absolutely in my best interests - either from just being lazy or from not recognizing soon enough that I was messing up.

I need to forgive myself for sometimes not being more in tune to the needs of those around me, especially in times when my actions may have made a difference.

I need to forgive myself for not driving "North" on June 3, 2001. I had been in southern Missouri for the weekend and was headed home. It was Sunday evening and I was about four hours from home - and four hours from Kansas City. I knew my older sister was supposed to go into the hospital the next morning for some tests. I called her on the phone from the gas station and said that I was thinking about just staying on Hwy 77 instead of turning west onto Hwy 54. I told her that Ron and Keith were on "auto-pilot" and that they could be without me for a few more days. I'd come to KC and help her out for the week and then go home the next weekend.

She talked me out of it. I let her. She died the next day. Nine years later, I still have trouble with that decision and have often wondered if things would have been different if I'd just showed up at her doorstep that night.

I'm definitely going to ask her the next time I see her because I do believe that we will be reunited.


Pat said...

Wow - this is quite an undertaking that you are doing. I just read the other two days, too.

I think your biggest thing to forgive yourself is the story with your sister. And I DO believe you will meet again in heaven.

This is a wonderful post, as are the others.

SkippyMom said...

Sweetheart your sister has forgiven you, you know. And there was probably nothing that could've been done by going there, right? I am so sorry you carry this with you - I can't assume to know what those that have passed are thinking but I wouldn't wonder that your sister would not want you to be unforgiving of yourself over this, right? [did that even make sense?]

You should never doubt yourself girlie - you are so amazing and so giving - you deserve a guilt free conscience sweetheart.

[and if you don't lighten up I am afraid your friends are going to come after me for introducing you to this dang meme. - that was to make you laugh btw. :)]

Keep smiling Tee - and know we love you.

TinaM said...

I'm so sorry about your sister :(
But it's definitely something you have to forgive yourself for. Whether you were there or not, she would have passed away... of course you'll always wish you were there, but you shouldn't feel guilty...

Mothers make mistakes, there is no rule book. As long as you acknowledge your mistakes and do the best you can now- that's what matters! Being a good grandmother is kind of like having a second chance, you know?

Thanks for sharing.
Forgive yourself :)