Thursday, October 21, 2010

Day One...Thirty days of truth

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself

This is a tough one - only because there are so many things that I hate about myself. Most of it, I can't change (I kid that God wasn't listening closely when I told him what I wanted... thick hair and lips; thin hips - Instead I got thin hair and lips, and thick hips. Or, He has a "great" sense of humor and we're gonna have a discussion when I talk to him face-to-face! LOL!)

So, I hate the fact that I have thin hair (very fine, very thin) - I know, that's really vain of me, but I'd really like to like at least ONE of my features. My lips, I'm fine with those, except my family tells me that because they are thin that I frequently look like I'm mad (i.e., I don't smile enough, but I hate my teeth, so I don't show them much - I needed braces as a kid but no moolah... different story). My eyes are a nice color, but I have hereditary saggy eyelids. I think I'm beginning to look my age, which isn't all bad (I've earned it) but could be better.

As for the hips - I don't have "saddlebag" hips (which I'm thankful for) but I do have to work quite hard to keep from directly depositing my food to my butt.

That's all vanity things and really not important in the grand scheme of things. My family loves me - my husband fell in love with thin lips and thin hair and he's just got to live through the fact that I (right along with him) am aging. Fact of life...

The thing(s) that I probably hate the most about myself is my lack of self-confidence in my abilities and a pretty strong lack of self-esteem. I don't take compliments very well because I don't know how to respond. In the back of my mind, I'm thinking the person giving the compliment is surely not talking about me; there is something they're missing in their evaluation of me because I really am not worthy of the compliment. I'm sure you all don't see that because I try to cover everything with humor and a good attitude (LOL - most of the time; some of my posts are definitely not from a good attitude!). But I figure that the only way to get through this life is to look at everything as optimistically as possible and to just do my best to take everything with a grain of salt.

I cover my lack of self-confidence any way that I can. I get terrified with any kind of public speaking (even if it's in a small group of people that I've known for years; if i feel like I'm being critiqued or graded or judged, you can definitely hear it in my voice). Even though I always do my best, I never believe that what I do is quite good enough. And it shows when it's time for annual reviews and merit raises. Even though I bust my butt to do all that I can for people, am always available to help, and always take responsibility for my actions - because I lack self-confidence, I get marked down. It's mentioned every year. {sigh} Life in the fast lane, right?

I have worked very hard over the past few years to get past these self-confidence and self-esteem issues. Sometimes, I just tell myself that I've done "whatever" and that I deserve to be recognized for it. Sometimes, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am worthy of the reward.

Sometimes, I am not so sure.


Kathy's Klothesline said...

I think we all feel unsure of ourselves from time to time. I have thin hair, too. Sometimes I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself. Best solution I can come up with is to not look in the mirror!

jojo said...

It's as if I wrote this post...I guess we all feel that way about ourselves. I needed braces too, but no for the same reason, I'm kinda tall and dorky, I have rosacea and red hair...getting the picture????
All we can do is the best we can do and try to accept that is who we are!

SkippyMom said...

You should be sure Tee - you are an amazing woman and a hell of a great friend - and that has to spill over into your family life and business world. I just wish more people know what I know.

I guess as far as the vanity issue goes I guess we always want what others have. My sister has thick hair and always wanted my thin hair and vice versa. I think me, you and Kathy should start a club for thin hair. We can call it the "Humdity Club" for those days when it is so muggy out your hair just won't keep a curl. [I know BOTH of you know what I am talking about. heehee]

Michaela said...

Hi Tee, thanks for sharing. Its always so touching to read what people really think about themselves. To me, you come across as a capable, warm-hearted and generous lady. And you look very huggable. I feel comfortable with you. I feel sad to hear that you lack self-confidence. Someone wise once said to me, "You have to be your own best friend. Treat yourself as if you were a special and precious best friend, who you would do anything for." It helped me; I hope it will help you too. xxxoooo

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Your honesty is just stunning--it's SO hard to be confident, especially about how we look. But why SHOULD we have the body of a 20 year old when we're 40? Or 50?
I hope your confidence soars alongside your kindness to others--maybe just writing this post is a start.