Sunday, November 28, 2010

No, I'm really not crazy...

Or suicidal... Or thinking of doing anything illegal.

But, I decided that I am worth more dead than alive.

(bet that got your attention)

This post is really completely different than my normal stuff. Please don't think that I'm "fishing" for anything at all. If you are speechless with shock - sorry... If you are speechless with anger - again, sorry... If you want to wring my neck - OK, but you've got to come here and catch me first. I'm not depressed, I'm not angry, I'm not anything. I'm a bit melancholy over how things are going but I can't say that it's a case of depression.

I am a very selfish person (surprise, surprise! I've hidden this quite well from everyone, including myself). I'm trying to figure out how to buy my grandkids Christmas presents (just the little ones; the big ones understand $$ and the facts of life but the little ones do not) and I had a very strict budget for the 4 kids. I did stay within my budget (within $20 which covered the sales tax on things and I'm happy with that). I bought Ron three shirts for winter (he needed them and they were 60% off regular price). But, I spent $30 on me that I didn't need to spend (never fear; reality has set in and the item is going back this week). I think I was just caught up in the moment and saw them (a really cute pair of boots - brown, not too high of a heel, and they just caught my eye) and tried them on. Big mistake. They fit,  I could not only stand up but I could also walk (that's always a plus when you only have one balance nerve). So I gave in to myself and bought them. I had buyer's remorse almost immediately but the line was long so I decided I'd take them back today.

Except my battery died (at least, we think - and hope - it's only my battery) in Amy's driveway last night. They loaned me her car to get back home and Rex is going to take a look at my car today and (if needed) put a new battery in. Otherwise, I don't know what it could be unless it's the alternator. That would just not be good.

Ron goes to rehab tomorrow. I can't haul his wheelchair without my car since it travels on the back. I don't want to drive Amy's car any more than necessary (I am putting gas in it, but Rex is going to pay for my battery - more than generous of him). I will be near the mall this week so can return the shoes then.

I also need to return the printer I bought "us" on Friday. Yes, we do need a printer but we don't NEED a printer. The one we have prints but has some issues. I should have just decided that we could live with what we've got and never gone into the store. But I did. And I bought it. So I'll return it this week, too.

Back to my original comment. I am worth more dead than I am alive. In life insurance that is. I have enough life insurance on me to pay off our house, our car, our consumer debt, and my student loans but only if I died before 1/1/11. After then, there's not enough to pay everything off. As it stands right now, we're having some financial problems. Serious financial problems. Things just sort of snowballed after my "vacation" this past summer. I should have just said I couldn't go. But, selfishly, I wanted to. I knew I'd never have an opportunity like that again and I didn't want to pass it up. I put back and saved until there was enough to pay for the trip and if I had know what else was coming down the pike, I probably would have not gone.

I can tell myself all day long that I did it for Isaiah's sake, but it was really because "I" wanted it. I have a lot of trouble with "I" and "me" these days. Maybe I've had trouble with them all along and I'm just now admitting it.

I had a long talk with God the other day and told Him that I had come to the conclusion that I was worth more dead than alive. I laid out the reasons... If I died, then Ron would have a place to live without worrying about where he was going and if it would be wheelchair accessible. Moving for me isn't an issue - this house is just four walls and a roof as far as I'm concerned. For him, it's a big issue. Bathroom access in most homes is non-existent for wheelchairs. This house has plenty of room for his wheelchair to sit beside the bed at night and by his chair during the day. He can get into the bathroom and turn around to get back out. We have a wheelchair ramp in the garage. If we had to move, how would I replace that?

If I died, all of our bills would be taken care of and his social security disability check would take care of his living expenses. The kids could hire someone to come in and help him with his living activities, or Aaron (his other son) could move into the upstairs spare bedroom and be here to take Ron to his doctors appointments.

If I died, Ron wouldn't have to worry about being homeless or having to move to someplace that his wheelchair wouldn't fit.

I said that I was OK with it. I'd rather wait until after Christmas so the holidays aren't marred but if He didn't wait until then, I couldn't really complain since it was my suggestion.

So, selfishly I have to say that I'm struggling with my decision. I bet it was really hard for Christ to lay down His life for us but He did it anyway. Because He loved us unconditionally. I'm not saying that I'm anywhere near that because I know that I'm not. I'd rather stick around and watch my grandkids grow up, enjoy the company of those I love - my family and my friends - and experience all that life has to offer. But I know that for Ron to have what he needs, there must be sacrifices made. Our situation is more my fault than anyone else's (my selfishness again - too much to go into detail; just trust me that most of this is my fault) so I need to be the one to pay the price for it. No one else.

My kids are worried. Amy said I couldn't pray to God to take me because she wasn't fine with it. Keith said he's going to start paying more into the household because he wasn't fine with it either. Amy and Rex said if we needed to sell our house that we'd never be homeless. That is always nice to know. I'm very proud of my children and thankful for them.

I said it was nice to know that I had more 'value' to them than the monetary worth of my life insurance. I promised that I wouldn't ask God to take me and that I would pray for a better answer instead.

So, I'm praying for miracles instead. Ron goes to rehab tomorrow for one week (actually, insurance approved five business days so he could come home on Friday unless they extend it). Keith's car is still in the shop so we'll go to work at 8:00 and then I'll go to visit Ron and pick Keith up after he gets off. It will make a long day for each of us, but that is life in the fast lane.



Sandy said...

Wow, heavy stuff. I think we are all a bit selfish but just don't admit it, pretty brave of you to just put it out there. Sometimes life can be pretty tough but tomorrow just has to be a better day. Talk to people, let your feelings out and know that you have people in your life that love you. Hoping for better days coming your way

Thisisme said...

Yes, heavy stuff indeed, and perhaps it has helped you to actually put it all down in writing. I hope so anyway. Things are obviously pretty tough at the moment, but thankfully you have loving and caring children, and I am sure that they are all very worried about your situation. I pray for better things for you.

colenic said...

Hugs...certainly heavy stuff....sometimes you have to get it all out.
Sending positive vibes and hoping for a miracle for you...

ANichols.Too said...


That corgi :) said...

hugs to you; I am so sorry with all that is going on and the financial issues, always a struggle these days in so many ways. I think it was good you took the vacation, you can't take back that time, so enjoy the memories from it. I made some stupid money mistakes a few years back that we are still paying for, but I learned my lesson, the hard way, and I won't be repeating those lessons, like you'll consider purchases, etc in the future. It is a very rough time you are going through now and it can continue for a long time, but I think you have a wonderful family that loves you and will do their best to help as they can. I would imagine God, seeing the big picture of the days ahead and times ahead, always knows best with the length of our days. Who knows, but him, the best could still be ahead somehow, even though you might not see it now. He is the God of the impossible.......


TinaM said...

Wow, sorry to hear you are even thinking like that...
First, I can not imagine how all this is your fault, let me just say I HIGHLY doubt this. Sometimes things happen you know? Sometimes it's not any one's fault...

Now that you know how much your kids care, and that you'll always have a home no matter what, I hope you aren't still thinking like this.

I hope I am not over stepping here, but I would suggest you NOT tell your children thoughts about, and praying for, death. I'm sure they are worried enough, and do they really need that to think about?
If my Mom told me she prayed and asked to die, first I would make sure she realizes that life insurance does NOT pay for suicide. Then I would probably have her committed! Not that your kids would do that to you lol... just something to think about.

I hope you aren't thinking like this anymore anyway. Because you are worth much more alive! To your friends (blogger or otherwise!) family, kids, and Ron! Even if EVERYTHING was payed off, do you really think he would feel better off without you? I don't.

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

Thank you all...

@Tina - no, you didn't overstep. I understand what you're saying. I was going to just send this directly to you but decided that I better put it out here for everyone else, too.

It wasn't something that I just blurted out. It was more of something during a more involved conversation and said with a hint of humor. I'm not talking about doing anything to myself. My sister took her own life and it left so many questions unanswered and so many hurting hearts. I'd never do that to my family.

Like "this" said, it's helpful to put things down in writing, even if they're not always totally pleasant things. It helped to get it off my chest. I do believe there is an answer out there for us, I just don't know what it is yet. Only time - and God - will tell.

I appreciate all of my friends - here, in person, and online. I appreciate the love of my family and would never do anything to hurt them.

TinaM said...

I'm so sorry about your sister :(

I'm glad you see what I mean about the kids... I know you wouldn't hurt yourself, I guess I was just thinking about what would go through my mind if my Mom said that to me...

As far as writing it here? FOR SURE a good idea!!! I agree with Thisisme. As you know, I am a big fan of venting on my blog hehe. It does help to unload sometimes, and getting it off your chest is good for you! So I'm so glad you did. I hope it helped you feel a little better about everything.

We're here for u!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I'm sending you all kinds of cyber hugs right now--I cannot imagine how awful you feel. You need to sit down in front of "It's a wonderful Life" with a cup of something hot.
And I'm glad you've got the Big Guy and such great family on your side.

Pat said...

I will continue to pray for you and your family. You are a great person and I just know things will turn around for you soon!Think positive thoughts!

Marla said...

I hate this. I hate that I have thought the same exact things about myself. I hate that life is hard sometimes and we forget we are not in control. I just hate it.