Monday, May 11, 2009

Dear God - can I have a do-over?

Do you ever wish you could really say that and *sometimes* have it come true? I know it's not possible and there is so much that I would not EVER in a million years go back and do over. If any "re-do" meant not having my kids, my husband, my family, or my wonderful friends, there's no way I would go back and do it again.

But, I'm sure we've all made choices that were less than good. We've all made decisions that adversely impacted our future - the future that we're currently living in. {sigh} I know that I have and I live with the consequences every day. I know that Ron often contemplates the "what if" scenario in his mind.

I struggle with selfishness and the pity party just like everyone else. It helps when I see other people, much less fortunate than I, who go through their challenges with their heads up and their chins held high. They are truly role models for the rest of us.

I can't help, though, but look at others and wish that I had received the same type of benefits from the "good" choices I made. It's that human nature that continues to war with the spiritual nature that I'm trying to nurture and cultivate. Alison Krauss has a few songs that I really enjoy and their lyrics resonate deeply within every time I hear them. I know Who Holds Tomorrow, A Living Prayer, and In the Palm of Your Hand all give me a great deal of peace and calmness when I hear them. I've got them on my iPod so I listen over and over again. Her voice is very calming and serene - just like I'd like for my life to be.

Calmness and serenity are a long way from my life right now. I worry continuously about Ron and his health. What kind of life does he have left? What quality of life? What can I do to make it better and easier for him? He's walking a few feet now, but not without extreme pain. Long car rides are totally out. He looks forward to sleeping so he's not in so much pain. Medication dulls the ache, but the bone-deep pain is always there, a constant reminder of the choices he made and the repurcussions of them. He knows, as do I, that his chances of having these health problems would be much less if he'd made better choices in the past. We both also realize that his long-term survival (>5 years) is highly questionable. Even with medical advancements, we don't see anything taking away the pain. Only God can do that.

Ron has a deep faith but even he has difficulty not wavering in the face of his constant adversity. Pain is his constant companion and never lets him forget that he made bad choices in his younger days. I asked him today if he ever thought he'd like to go back and have a do-over. Of course, he did. He said God's not been talking to him too much lately, though. He's lost his "groove" and is having trouble getting it back.

So, since reality sometimes bites - a miracle, in essence a "do-over," would really be nice for Ron. As for me, I just have to keep on keeping on, pulling myself up by my bootstraps.

Pretty soon those straps are going to be at my armpits from me stretching them and tugging on them!

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