Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Life in a nutshell

I think in everyone’s lives, there comes a time when life seems to come at you full-blast and you are being pelted with “debris” from every angle. My life is no exception. Every morning is a struggle with fatigue and often a sense of dread for the day. I have to shake the cobwebs from my mind and decide that I am absolutely going to have the best day possible. That doesn’t stop the sometimes rush of the “Oh dear God – please help me” moments. Those often come on the drive to and from work. Some days I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness but can’t quite put my finger on why. Sometimes I feel my emotions are just barely under the surface of my skin and I wonder how I’m ever going to keep them hidden from the world. I think I manage most of the time and I can pretend I do the rest of the time.

I frequently hear from my supervisor that she doesn’t know how I do it and how I maintain my sense of calm. “Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid for the Lord Jehovah is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation. Isaiah 12:2” “I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. Psalm 121:1” Those are just two of the many verses I read every day. My desk calendar is verses from the book of Psalms and many days they are very reflective of my moods and thoughts.

There are days that I know I definitely would be a blubbering mess if I had no faith, if I had nothing to look forward to, and if I had no hope in a better tomorrow. Even knowing that this life is but a short span in the gist of things, I still long for peaceful days, calm nights, and short-term answers to long-term problems. I still long for someone other than myself to step in and help me fix things (such as the back yard, retaining wall, sprinkler system, well issues, landscaping [I need some flower beds and pretty stuff], medical bills, etc.). I still dream of taking a vacation (or the long-dreamed of honeymoon) and having Ron feel like participating in life instead of just existing through it. I still imagine life without the heaviness of Ron’s health hanging over our heads. I imagine excursions together to various places – things I’ve only dreamed about and will probably only ever dream about. I long for little getaways, probably because I know that I can shut out the world and pretend that all is well.

I haven’t balanced my checkbook in about six weeks because I don’t want to know how much is NOT there. I won’t go to the doctor or admit that I don’t feel well because what I don’t know must not really exist. I can only handle one person needing doctor appointments, and right now that is Ron. I wish I had won the mother/daughter trip to New York because I know it would have been a much needed opportunity for rest and a time for relaxation. I’ve never been to NYC and this would have been a wonderful gift. Oh well…

Sometimes, I feel like I’m wandering in a mine-field of neon signs, all flashing and screaming their warnings at me. “Do this!” “Don’t do that!” “Turn here!” “Stop!” “Proceed!” “What were you thinking!!!” “This decision is right!” “No! That decision is wrong – this one is right!” When you’re in an area of flashing neon lights, it’s nearly impossible to feel rested. This is how many of my days and nights seem, with conflicting decisions and emotions at every turn.

All I can really say is Thank God for God! I know I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating. Without faith, there is no hope; without hope, there is nothing. I may not always appear to be walking in faith, but I absolutely am. I could not go on without the hope for a better tomorrow – some day, some “tomorrow” will be better.

With that in mind, every morning on my way to work I put on a happy face, make myself have a good disposition, and pretend that all is right in my world. If I fake it long enough then that helps to make it more “true” and those around me don’t see the fake. They just see the strength of God and maybe – just maybe – it will help them face their own challenges and trials with greater strength and determination. After all, if I can do it, so can they.


No comments: