Sunday, May 31, 2009

What to do...

As parents, there are times that we are disappointed in our children. I’m sure that I’ve disappointed my parents during my lifetime, and I continue to disappoint my heavenly father – probably for some reason every day of my life. It doesn’t mean that I don’t try to do better or try to “not” disappoint people, but I’m sure that I do. It’s not surprising that my own children (and step-children) also disappoint us, their parents. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love them and I do get over my disappointment, but it doesn’t help the matter at the time. We’re not perfect and never will be. We just have to be the best that we can be and do the best that we can. Every day of the week, every week of the month, and every month of the year. Failure is inevitable some days, but we just have to keep on keeping on.

My son just told me to kiss his rear. Well, not exactly - but close – the “G-rated” version. He thinks that I think that he feigns illness every time he's supposed to come over. I don't. I do think that he's used it as a crutch in the past but that doesn't mean that I think he uses it to get out of things. He gets bronchitis easily. He has allergies and when something causes them to flare up, he gets sick. I know this and I accept this. But, when he's supposed to come here to help, waiting until more than 24 hours after he's supposed to be here to tell me he's sick does not sit well with me. He can't find his phone. OK - get on the computer and send me a note. I can handle that. And, when you’re sick – go to the doctor!!! Get medication for it!! Treat the allergies before they become a full-blown illness!!

What I can't handle is being talked to the way he was talking to me. I don't deserve it and it was uncalled for. He got his friend’s phone and called me and blasted me over the phone. Even when I’m upset with his actions I don’t talk to him like that. So, I told him that if he was done blasting me, I was done listening. I hung up on him. He called back and I sent it to ignore. He left a message. It was nicer.

So I called the friend’s number back and he wouldn’t answer. That’s fine. I guess that’s tit for tat. I couldn’t even talk on the phone anyway. I don’t trust my voice to not squeak or break. I can only be so tough for so long and then I have my moments of breaking, too. I’m there.

I'm just as upset with other family members who could - and don't - step up to the plate and help out. Amy could have hung around this weekend and helped me out but she chose to head north instead. It's her prerogative to do so and I'm not angry - just hurt. She said that she spent seven hours cleaning Rex’s house a couple of weekends ago. That’s great – I’m sure that it needed it. But so does ours. My house hasn’t been properly cleaned in so many months that it’s not even funny. Why don’t I do it??? That’s a very good question and I do housework. But, I haven’t had the energy to do the really deep stuff – the windows, floorboards, trim, etc. in quite a while. I’m tired. Stress will do that to you and even though I have a happy face at work and everyone says they’re amazed at how cheerful I am, I am just a good actress. I AM STRESSED almost beyond my ability to cope and deal with it.

Tim called every day when he knew that Ron was going to give him a piece of musical equipment – but couldn’t even stick around 10 minutes to visit with his dad when he picked it up. He hasn’t called since to see how he’s doing. That just hurts to the bone. When the kids were little, we did things for Ron’s mom – or asked if we could do things for her – on a regular basis. We called to check on her, ask how they’re doing, or to just chat. I can’t even think of the last time that Tim called to just chat with his dad, and even longer since he called to see how he was doing.

Aaron came over one day to work in the yard and made arrangements to return the next week. He did not show up – or call – so Ron called him and said that his reputation was the most important thing he had and that when he made a commitment to be somewhere, at least a phone call was owed if he could not make it. So, the next time Aaron did call. He’s having car problems and couldn’t drive over. I get that – I’m sorry for his car problems. But, he lives ½ mile away and could either ask me to come get him, walk, or ride his bike. We haven’t asked him to come back and I don’t expect that I will.

I feel like I’m totally at the bottom of the food chain – even a step below Ron. They all know that I’ll take care of him, no matter what. But who is going to take care of me? LOL – guess it’s just me.

I was pretty upset this morning, as I was in tears trying to figure out how to work things. I couldn’t get the rain train to work because I’m not strong enough to pull the plug. The “stop” that hooks up on the hose is behind the freezer. I couldn’t get that either. I don’t know how to empty the bagger so now that it’s full I can’t go on and mow more. Even if I knew how to empty it, I’m not sure I have the strength to dump it into the trash bag. I tried to be as quiet as I could but I had to mow right outside Ron’s bedroom window. He was waiting for me when I came back inside. I wish he had been able to sleep through it because then I could have had my melt-down in private. As much as I don’t want others to see me be weak, I don’t want him to see it even more.

It’s not like I could (or would) ask the neighbors for help. One kid who owes us $40 from last year is over at one neighbor’s on a regular basis. He’s never offered to come over and see how he could pay us. I’ve tried to get his mother to come give us a bid for the back yard but can’t get that done, either. None of the neighbors around here seem very helpful.

I don’t even know what to do anymore. I’m tired of sounding like all I do is whine any more. That’s no fun. Each of the ones who matter to me the most think that I'm trying to lay guilt-trips on them. I'm not and I will not mention my house woes to them again.

Update: Keith came over and mowed - and apologized for being such a jerk. He said that he had no right to talk to me that way. I agreed and accepted his apology. No one likes to be talked to that way and I am no different. I let him know that no matter how upset "children" are with their parents, they are showing disrespect when talking like he was. He agreed. He's really a good kid and I love him lots.

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