Thursday, April 15, 2010

Can I be fried?

Can you all forgive me if I'm fried today? Went to the foot doctor - again - and the side hole looks terrible. I don't know what is going on with that but it just really got to me this morning. As I was getting ready to put his shoe on, I noticed he had bled through his dressing. The new dressing is supposed to last up to 7 days but I'm changing it pretty much on Thursdays and Mondays. I was surprised to see the breakthrough bleeding this morning. The wound was wicked ugly this morning. I'd love to post pictures, but I don't want to gross people out. They're on my Facebook page but there's no way to "hide" them here for those with a weak stomach.

The doctor - Sir Chops A Lot - took quite a bit more off the surface and made it bleed. A lot... In fact, Ron bled all over the floor and the carpet and they had to clean it up and re-dress his foot. Ron's been referred to a new doctor, a plastic surgeon who is also a wound care specialist. We see him on Monday morning. We see the wound care team at the hospital every 2 weeks, the foot doctor on opposite every 2 weeks, and now this guy. April has a lot of appointments because Ron also sees his kidney doctor on the 27th and the neurologist (I think) on the 29th. I have to double-check that and see. My supervisor was a little perturbed with me yesterday because I forgot to tell her of one appointment - the chiropractor, which he also sees on Mondays and Fridays. I laughed it off and said that Ron had changed the appointment from this past Monday to yesterday (Wednesday) instead and I didn't realize it until yesterday. All truth... Said I am to the point where I sometimes have trouble keeping up with all of his appointments. I just made myself a dental appointment for the 28th but I guess I'll be changing that to some other time in the future.

I am so emotional these days. I feel everything right at the surface and just don't know when the breaking point will be. I think I'm there and then I suck it up and go some more. But, I don't honestly know how much more I can suck it up. At what point does the human actually break and totally lose it? I don't know, but I really don't want to find out, either. I'm trying to maintain a cheerful attitude, and I mostly do - even if it's all for show. I can't let "them" see me break and I can't let "them" seem me in anything less than a positive attitude. I don't want to jeopardize my job by anyone thinking I'm having a mental breakdown.

I joined the YMCA so I could go exercise - and I fully intend to get up in the mornings and go. But by the time morning rolls around, I've had such a rough night that I cannot get myself out of bed or motivated. I'm so busy taking care of everyone else (mostly Ron) that I have no time or desire to take care of me. I want to - I just don't "want" to. Does that make sense? Ron says I'm just too tired. My hip hurts, my shoulders hurt, my back hurts, my neck hurts (upper shoulders down through my mid-back). I just don't know what to do with me so I do nothing.

I know I sound depressed and I probably am - a little bit anyway. I don't know how anyone could live my life and not have at least a bit of depression affect them. Just got to keep the faith and keep putting one foot in front of the other - day in and day out. I just know know how much longer these "feet" are going to do the walking.

I really want to lose more weight and feel better about myself, in clothes and out (LOL - TMI!) but until something else in this life gives a bit, I don't see where or how I can do that. Ron's supposed to go back into the scooter and not walk for the next two weeks so loading and unloading that will maybe boost my metabolism again. Or not... He is also supposed to see the brace guy on Monday afternoon to see if he can modify this walking cast to take the pressure off the outside of the foot. I put it on Ron this morning and before I head to work, I want to see if he can walk in it and make sure that he's not bleeding through the dressing again. If he can't walk well enough in it, I'll be bringing the scooter into the house.

We're going to see Shaun and Jenny over Memorial Day weekend so he's got to be mobile by then. We're not planning on taking the scooter because of travel concerns with it. I may need to re-think things but at this point, I'm planning for a positive outcome.

I'm sure you all will get to (or have to) hear all about it in the next few weeks. LOL - sorry... You're all my sounding board as I sure can't tell Ron what all is on my mind. He already feels guilty enough that I have to do as much as I do.


Pat said...

Boy, you sure do have a lot going on. Listen, I'm not one to push exercising, I hate it, myself, but I think it would be the best thing for you. You should force yourself to go for many reasons. It gives you time alone, it gets you out of the house, it's good FOR you, and you probably ARE in a depression and exercise releases endorphins which make you feel better. You don't have control over anything in your life, but you can control YOURSELF, so start taking control and get to the gym. You really will feel better. Good luck!

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Depressed...... how could you not be? Pat is right about the exercise. Change of scenery will do you good, too. Wish I could offer something other than my empathy. As far as using your bloggy friends as sounding boards... if this helps you get through the day, I am more than happy to listen!