Friday, April 16, 2010

Selfish is as Selfish does

I was being very selfish yesterday. I admit it. I’m not any happier today but I’m coping better. Ron knows my spiral started with how his foot looked yesterday morning when I changed the dressing. Not only was I concerned with the ramifications for him of the setback, but I was also concerned with the ramifications for me. I know that I am exhausted and that there is only so much a body – anyone’s body – can take before stress-related illness start setting in. It’s already taken a toll on me as I’m much more exhausted and finding myself much less able to cope, I’m having more pain in my joints and muscles, and I’m having more (and more severe) headaches. I agree with Pat and Kathy – I need to get out and exercise and right now I feel like I’m a hamster on wheel – going in circles but getting nowhere. I joke about being rescued, but there is also a grain of truth in it. As much as I don’t really want to open up my emotional floodgates, I feel like I must do so in order to not lose my mind. But, who would I open up to? I don’t really know anyone who has the resources – or the desire – to help me make any changes in our circumstances. Those that I know who have the desire to see things improve do not have the resources; I appreciate their thoughts and prayers more than they can even being to imagine. The people I know who have the resources don’t have the desire to provide anything. It’s not that they have any obligation to me, and I know that, but sometimes being told they admire my fortitude and strength are not words I really need to hear at that moment; being told they have a solution to some of my issues and they are providing it would be a better option. LOL – at least for me. Those who have the resources and who offer to be of assistance – and then do nothing once their offer is accepted – only cement the fact that it’s better for me to just not ask anyone for anything. If I don’t ask, I can’t get hurt when someone doesn’t follow through. Maybe it’s another selfish act on my part and maybe it’s partly a protection mechanism.

I don’t like having everything right on the edge, just under my skin. I feel tears so close to the surface when I try to talk about anything related to Ron, how he’s doing, or how I’m coping – and I hate that. I don’t do tears. I keep everything inside and I don’t like showing myself to others in that manner. For me, tears are a weakness and one that I have never allowed myself to indulge in.

Other people can cry – I just don’t think I should.

3 comments:

Rae said...

I wish I could make it better, but I know I can't. The most I can do is tell you I think you are one of the most remarkable selfless people I know. It would take a superhuman to deal with all you do on a daily basis. You need to give yourself permission to cry. It does not make you weak. Letting out all that pent up emotion will strengthen you and give you a renewed spirit.

Pat said...

I agree with Rae. You need to cry. But, if it's still not in you to cry, well I have a couple of other suggestion. Get in your car, put on a classic rock station, and sing your heart out to an old rock song from when you were growing up. I mean really belt this baby out while you're driving. Who cares if the windows are rolled down and anyone can can hear you? Better still!

My second suggestion relates to the gym. Do they have boxing there? You can pretend that bag is anything and anyone you want and hit it as hard as you can. Take all your frustration out on it! Hit it again, hit it again! Harder! Harder!

Feel better? Whew! Me too!

Hang in there, girlfriend. You are my hero. And as far as I'm concerned, you've already earned your angel wings here on earth. :)

Donna B said...

Oh man, I totally agree with both Pat and Rae. EXCELLENT suggestions. I say CRY! CRY A RIVER BABY...it is cleansing and healing. THE LAST THING YOU ARE IS WEAK!!!! You hear me? YOU ARE NOT WEAK! First of all, you are a WOMAN, and that means you can do pretty much anything you make up your mind to or challenge yourself
to do! You amaze me more and more each time I read one of your posts!