Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Elusive sleep

I had a really hard time getting to sleep Tuesday night. My head was all stopped up and that makes it very hard for me to relax. I feel like I can’t breathe (even though I “know” that I can breathe through my mouth) and it almost always brings on a panic attack. I feel my fingers tingling and I feel like there is a vice around my chest. I hate it and I have had very little success controlling it.

Ron wanted me to sit down on the bed and let him pat me. That just makes things worse because I feel like I’m really being constricted and confined. I told him to just let me walk around and I’d sit when I felt better. I took a Xanax, which helped. I told him that I was very afraid and that I was so terribly concerned about the future and things to come. I’d been edgy all evening and he knew that I was stressed and on edge. He actually started it and it just built throughout the day…
He doesn't realize he's doing it and Amy doesn't realize she's doing it, but when they say "I need you..." they're not really giving me a choice. If I say I’d rather not, especially where Ron is concerned, then I feel selfish.

For instance, Tuesday was Isaiah’s birthday and Amy had school. I had planned to take him for an ice cream sundae - no biggie; Sonic on the way home. Tuesday morning Ron says he'd like to go eat Rib Crib, all you can eat ribs. I say no, I’d really rather not because I’m trying to lose weight and I'm not overly fond of their food. He says OK and I tell him what I have for him in the fridge to eat that day. Later the same day, Amy asks me if I wanted a piece of pizza for lunch, so I go up and get it. She hands me Kohl’s cash ($40) certificate that expires that day and says "here, let him buy whatever he wants with it." I say who - not registering Isaiah.

She says Isaiah and I say OK, figuring we'd stop quickly on the way home from work and I’d still have a good evening (needed to get work done). Later, Ron calls and says "I really like ribs and salad." huh? "Ribs and salad; I really like them.” I tell him I’m busy and will call him back.

On the way home, I call and tell him I really don't want to go. He says "fine" like he's not happy and just going along with me to shut me up. Puts me on the spot and makes me really feel selfish to say no because I know he doesn't get out much. So, after I ranted and raved (in the privacy of my car and where no one could hear me), I call him back and say we'll go so Isaiah can get the servers to sing happy birthday. Inside, I’m stewing because I had work to do and I know that it's not happening.

Get to the restaurant; Isaiah is cute but wound up. Get done eating (forever later) and go to Kohl’s to spend the $40 certificate. Told Ron that I really didn’t want to spend too long in the store because I really had work to do at home – for work, not even for home stuff. Ron wants to know if they have wheelchairs so I can push him around because he wants new shorts. I had just told him I wanted to get in and out quickly, so I said I’d really like to take him without Isaiah so I can concentrate on just taking care of him; it’s too difficult to push the wheelchair, push a cart, and make sure that Isaiah stays where he’s supposed to stay. He says "fine" - again like I’m making him do something or not letting him do something and I feel like a heel.

Ended up that Isaiah and I went in alone because I was on my last nerve, I snapped at the girl at the checkout (who wouldn’t listen to what I was [really] very nicely trying to ask her), and had a panic attack at midnight and couldn't sleep.

Amy said I had an option, I could have said no about going to Kohl’s but then I feel like I’m cheating Isaiah. I don’t feel that anyone really gives me an option or asks what I need. God and I had a long talk about that. Well, I mostly did all the talking – and yelling. I’m not happy with God right now. I told Him that I feel pretty abandoned and if the “sins of the fathers are visited to their children” for generations to come (the generational curse thing), just what the **** did my ancestors do for me to deserve such crap??? Isn’t it time that I had a break – a good break, and not as in a broken bone? I said a lot. Then I shut up and listened. Silence. So then I told Him that I’d decided that He didn’t give a hoot about me or the circumstances I was in.

I didn’t really mean it – I know better. I’d hate to see what my life and the circumstances around it would be without Him. I keep telling people that I would have succumbed long ago without my faith, but right now I know that it’s pretty beat down. I pray for faith, for it to be strengthened and increased. I continually pray for miracles. I know that God has had His hand on us many times but I just don’t feel it right now. I see no tangible evidence of His care. I don’t feel the warmth of His presence. I’m sure it’s there and I shudder to think how bad I’d feel if He really did turn it off.

1 comment:

Donna B said...

Oh my dear girl...I wish I was there to give you a HUGE HUG and give you a standing ovation for what you are doing!

Don't beat yourself up. I know it is easier said than done, but YOU NEED to plan your week, and if others throw in their requests, they need to know you are controlling the schedule!

I too would be LOST without my Faith. One phrase/prayer that instantly brings me the warmth of His love is: "Lord, please fill me with your Spirt". Keep saying it over and over until you feel it.

Some times we do so much for others we "numb out". We have to keep repeating that prayer to melt down the layers of numbness. God is always there waiting to hold us in His arms, but we just can't feel it until some of that numbness wears away.

Hang in there my sister...