Saturday, July 10, 2010

Couldn't sleep

So much on my mind that my body just screamed at me to get out of bed. I'm usually not, by choice, an early riser. The older I get, the more I find myself waking early - even on days I don't have to be up early. I haven't used an alarm clock for years and even if I set one now for an extra early wake-up (flying somewhere or Ron to the hospital), I find I'm usually awake before it goes off.

This morning, 4:00 AM called my name and would not let me go back to sleep. I came out into the kitchen and made a cup of hot tea to see if that would soothe away the restlessness. Nope. Didn't work. My head is a bit stuffy and I knew that an anxiety attack would not be far away if I didn't get up and move around. It's amazing what the body will do when the mind refuses to accept or acknowledge things.

I hear Ron in the other room, sleeping and snoring just a bit through his Bi-PAP mask. It amuses me to hear him and the funny noises he makes. I'll miss that while he's in the hospital and in rehab. Maisey and I will have the whole bed to ourselves. She won't know what to do without her "daddy" here during the day. She frequently spends a great deal of the day on his shoulder, especially when she senses that he doesn't feel very good.

My mind is going over things that have been said and done; things that I cannot change even if I wanted to and things that I wouldn't change if I could. Life is full of choices and sometimes some of those choices are better than others. We have to learn from our mistakes - or bumps in the road - and move forward. I try to project a positive outlook in all things that I do. I'm not always successful and sometimes I really would rather just crawl under a rock. If I could. But I don't like dark, confined spaces and I really dislike dirt - so under a rock is probably not a good place for me.

I think a lot about family and how important it is. We didn't get to "pick" our relatives like we picked our friends and sometimes relatives just don't get along. That is sad. When the day is over, and the pieces of your world are falling all around you, who do you turn to for help? If you don't have family you can turn to, you may be out of luck. Some are blessed to have caring friends who are there to lean on, but others do not. Without family, there could be no one. That could be a very sad, sorry state of affairs.

I think a lot about the "what if" factors. Not necessarily about "what if" he doesn't make it through surgery - although I have to admit that we've both thought about it - but just the general "what if" stuff like:
  • what if he doesn't get strong enough to ever walk again
  • what if this is just the beginning of a series of higher amputations
  • what if they try to send him home too soon
  • what if they don't realize his other health conditions could cause problems
  • what if he's not able to care for himself once he comes home
  • what if he's not able to bathe because he can't get into the shower or the bathtub without his lower leg
  • what if he dies
All of those are valid concerns and all of them have potential. None of them are on the positive side of the scale. I've thought of those as well:
  • what if this is the best thing we could have done
  • what if this makes him able to get up and get around more
  • what if we wish we'd have done this sooner
The sun is coming up and I am winding down. Ron will be waking soon and he'll want to turn on the television. Maybe I can stall him for a couple of hours on that and I can take a little nap on the sofa.

Maybe my mind will finally shut down a bit.



Kathy said...

There is a lot to think about....I think everything is going to go beautifully and that you are both going to be so happy you made this choice. I will be thinking about you

Rae said...

What an excellent post. Too bad you had to lose sleep in order to write it, but you have really summed up your feelings well. I think most people would be feeling the same anxiety and uncertainty that you are experiencing.

I hate to hear that Ron has to go through such an ordeal and forgive me if I say this wrong because that is not my intention, but I hope his time in the hospital/rehab center gives you a little respite. I know you will be at his side constantly, but maybe you will get a bit of rest from the hard work you do everyday in providing his day to day care all by yourself. You are an angel, but angels need breaks too!

Pat said...

My husband always says to me, "What are you worrying for? Is it going to change the outcome? Will it HELP the outcome?" And of course, the answers are "NO". We can't help worrying, but seriously, WHAT GOOD DOES IT DO?

First of all, let go the worry about Ron in the hospital. They know what they are doing, they have his medical history (I'm assuming) and they know all the medical problems they are dealing with him.

It's true - maybe Ron won't be able to bathe himself even after rehab. Is that the worse thing? No. There has to be some service that you can get, that is covered by medicare or something, that is free, that can send someone in to bathe him every few days. Was he a vet? There may be something offered through that. But let's not worry about that now. RIght? Think about it later IF IT NEEDS TO BE THOUGHT ABOUT!!

Take each day at a time. Okay, today this is going to happen. Bang. That's it. You can not change the future by worrying.

Everything is in God's hands. I will pray, you will pray, your other friends will pray. Have faith in the Lord that he knows what he is doing.

Screen Door Prep said...

Thank you for visiting my blog. Hope everything goes smoothly for all of you! I sympathize with the insomnia-as-a-result-of-an-overactive-mind. Best wishes.