Thursday, April 17, 2008

My mother thinks she’s dying…

Unfortunately, a lot of times when people think they’re dying, or they’re planning on dying, they really are. It makes me very sad to think of life without my mother. I try to not dwell on the fact that we are all mortal and everyone must leave this earth – some for a better place and some not. I’m sure my mother will be in the former group. She believes that Jesus is the Son of God, that He came to earth to live as a man, died for our sins and rose again on the third day. She knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that she’s going to be in a better place once she leaves this earth and she says she’s ready to go. She said she needed to go back to church so she’d have someone to preach at her funeral. (She’s not gone in quite a while because of the bad winter and when the weather was nicer she was not well. It has been a rough winter on her.) The neighbor came over and asked her for family phone numbers “just in case” she needed to contact anyone.

Last night she told my sister that she sees no reason for her to still be on this earth.

The bad part is, none of us are ready for her to go or leave this earth. I call my mom every week. Sometimes it’s on a Friday as I drive home from work and sometimes it’s on a different day of the week. We always talk about how she’s feeling and how a lot of times what’s going on with her is also going on with Ron. They both have had diabetes for a long time, both insulin-dependant, and both with uncontrollable sugars in the past. This has done a lot of damage to both of them and they’ve both suffered with it. Since mom is quite a bit older (she’s currently 77), it’s been harder on her body these past few years. Plus, she’s never fully recovered from my father’s death. She seemed to be doing very well while she was caring for him but once he died, she went downhill very much. I know she loved him very much and misses him terribly.

I tell her all of the time to go to the doctor. She promises that she’ll call and then she doesn’t. It’s hard being 200 miles away because I can’t go pick her up and take her to the doctor. My siblings go visit her on a regular basis, some just visiting and some taking her out to eat or shopping. I’ve invited her to come here to stay a couple of weeks but she says she doesn’t feel like it. Thing is, unless she gets up and starts moving around, she’s not going to feel like it.

She was going to come here with my sister for Isaiah’s birthday but said she doesn’t feel like it. Another of my brothers invited her to his house for the weekend but she doesn’t feel well enough for that either. He will come get her and take her home – his family lives a bit south of Topeka – but she’s not sure about that either. My sister told her to go and let someone take care of her for a change. She can “not feel good” just as easily at my brother’s as she can at home alone. She promised Amy that she’d come to her college graduation, which is May 10, so she better plan on being around for that.

I know it’s a rite of passage, a natural progression of life that there’s an end to the earthly body and our soul returns to God. I know it’s got to happen. I’ve been blessed to have my mom through my adult years. She’s seen her grandchildren grow up, she’s welcomed five great-grandchildren into the family (Isaiah was first), and she’s witnessed our trials and our tribulations. She’s cheered our accomplishments and cried when we hurt. She’s been there to lend a hand, a hug, or an ear when someone needed her. She did her time as the chauffeur and sat through countless “kiddie” movies at the theatre. She’s been the one that has held it all together.

I’m just not ready to let my mom go. Really though, is anyone ready to let their mom go? After all, she’s “mom” and no matter what we want to keep her around.

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