Monday, July 28, 2008

When I stand before God...

I have often wondered about how my judgement will go down when it is my turn to stand before God. I know my salvation is assured but what about other areas of my life? Will I be able to hold my head up and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I did all that I could do for others? Will I honestly be able to say that I treated others with the same respect that I would like directed towards me? Will I be commended for showing kindness or will I be shown where I have fallen short? In all honesty, I expect I'll see more of where I fell short than where I showed kindness.

I also wonder if I'll finally have the questions I've had answered. I imagine that I'll "know" everything I've been searching for the meanings to in an instant. Knowledge, joy, sadness, and shame will probably flash through my mind in the twinkling of an eye. I hope that I have more knowledge and joy than sadness and shame. All I can continue to do in this life is work towards that goal.

There have been many times I've wondered if my life has made any kind of impact on anyone else. Would I have been missed if I hadn't been here and been "me" in the sense of who I am now? Would the people I've come into contact with throughout the years miss the influence that I've had on theirs lives? Would they even recognize if I've had any influence on their lives? Have I even had any positive influence in their lives? Maybe, maybe not? What about negative impact? Sadly, this may also be something that I will have to answer for. I pray that the positives will greatly outweigh the negatives.

I'm not morbid and I'm not in a depressed state of mind, but I sometimes can't help but wonder if the world would have been better off if I had not existed. I nearly died as an infant from a very high temperature. How would the world have been different if I had? At times, there is almost a version of "It's a Wonderful Life" that flashes through my head. Of course, I don't even begin to think that any of the lives I've touched would have had the same type of impact on the world if I had not been here, but I still find myself wondering about it. What if I had made different choices with my life?

I often think I have let God down, and therefore let myself down, in many areas. I don't want to be the person who hid the "talents" that God gave me and didn't put them to the best use that I could have. I'm sure that I have done this. Things that I wanted to do, and either let others talk me out of or chickened out of, include: going away to college my freshman year, moving to Arizona to go to the university my sophomore year, traveling to Europe with my great-aunt as her companion, and joining the military. Each of those decisions were the direct result of (mostly negative) influence from someone else - and in turn, caused other decisions that were totally opposite of these. What if I had stood my ground in any of these choices and had the courage to face the challenge each presented? What kind of person would I have become instead of the person I am today? Would it have been an improvement or made me less of who I am? Of course, it's impossible to tell but I believe that when I stand before God that I will find the answers.

But, will I like them?

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