Saturday, August 2, 2008

whine, whine, whine...

I don't know what is wrong with me. I actually told Keith today that I wished I was dead and that I hated my life. I don't mean it - I don't wish I were dead. I'm just tired of my life the way it is right now. Ron said today that I treat him like s**t. That kind of got to me. I have to admit that I'm sometimes not as patient as I should be, like when he asks the same questions over and over again. Or, he'll rephrase the question and ask again; I don't know if he's trying to get a different answer or if he doesn't think I understood the first question.

We were driving down the street and he said, "Oh, the Tree Guys have another location." I laughed and said that it was their location - not a new one, but the one we've driven by more than once. That's when he dropped the bomb. If I hadn't been so far from home I might have gotten out of the car and just left him in the parking lot. I've threatened to walk home before when he said something that offended me. I wouldn't leave him stranded though since he can't drive. Plus, it was too far for me to walk in sandals anyway. I'm not entirely stupid. ;>P

I was going to apologize to him today for something that I said yesterday but I don't think I'm even going to talk to him for a while. If I'm not speaking then I won't be talking mean to him.

Yesterday we were leaving the chiropractor and he was having difficulty getting his new (bigger) scooter through the door opening. I told him to back it up and get closer to the wall opposite the doorway. That way when he turned the wheel, he would have more space between his left wheel and the door frame. He didn't do it. He just kept trying to do it his way. I finally took the handle of the scooter and drove him backwards to where I wanted him and then told him to make the turn. I said he acted like he'd never driven before - forward or backward - and that he'd never tried to park anything. I said he had to put some thought into driving and where the scooter was going before he just drove it.

Even though my point and my advice were valid, I was frustrated and I did say it in front of other people. That's wasn't very nice. But, he doesn't act like he's making any conscious decision when he's driving the scooter through doorways or in a room. I'm constantly having to be on the lookout for him to be stuck or him running into stuff. It's just one more thing I have to be thinking of all the time.

A person we know said the other day that Ron has been through so much and how admirable his attitude and behavior have been. While I'm not disputing those facts (because it is true - trials and attitude), I was a bit miffed as it was like he's come through this all by himself with no help from anyone. I didn't see me gone during all these years and I certainly didn't tell him to let me know when life was smooth sailing once again. He's had his share of depression and disappointment but I'm the one who has been there for every day, every achievement, and every setback. Hello???? What am I - some kind of chopped liver??? Ron gives me credit for being there for him so that is all that should matter but it still kind of ticks me off to hear people say "poor Ron, he's having such a rough time." I know it is jealousy causing me to be irritated and I am ashamed of it. I wouldn't want to trade places with him - I would just appreciate recognition for what I'm also contributing to his healing and his quality of life.

In all honesty, I can't say that I haven't had any recognition or any help. I've appreciated the help and the encouraging words. It has just been a very trying year and I'm having a pity party right now. Things that are suggested that I should do are impossible. Ron can't be left home alone right now. He can't even really be trusted to watch Isaiah for a couple of hours because he goes to sleep so easily, so how could I go and leave him for any length of time? I can't.

We have monthly women's ministry meetings at our church but children are never included. Everyone else who has children Isaiah's age also have a spouse to take care of said children. We don't have that. We've tried asking if we could hire some teenagers to take care of the children at the church while we have our meeting but they've said because of liability issues they are unable to do that. So, on any given month Amy or I have to stay home. Today is also a baby shower and since Amy is in charge of the games, I will be the one staying home. Today is probably a good day for me to be the one staying home.

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