Wednesday, February 13, 2008

The black hole is growing

I nearly threw up when I changed the bandage this morning. The foot looks black in the hole, which is definitely not good, and it smelled really bad. He's not on his foot at all, except I'm sure when he transfers to the toilet he puts it down.

Honestly, I don't know what to do. He's not "sick" so they can't hospitalize him to keep him off his feet. The doctor's office said I could look into a nursing home but I don't want to do that and I've not even mentioned it to him. He would hate that and has specifically asked me in the past to not ever put him in a nursing home. My daughter says don't think about it. How can I not? I know it's in God's hands and I'm really trusting for a miracle, but this human body has so many failings that all I can do is pray for faith to be increased as well as the healing.

I'm having some members of my church come by tomorrow to measure for a wheelchair ramp to be built inside the garage. It can come out on a landing and go down the front and side of the garage to the garage door. That way, there will still be room for me to park the van in the garage so DH doesn't have to go outdoors to get inside. I know the materials will be quite expensive and I'm not quite sure how I'll pay for it yet, but it's got to be done. He can't be walking down the stairs into the garage when he's supposed to be totally non-weight bearing. One of the men coming is a professional carpenter so it will look nice, but I'm not sure what he'll charge for his labor. We'll just have to leave it in God's hands and see what He directs.

I'm really praying for a miraculous healing and a financial miracle. If DH never goes back to work, that's OK - we just need God to provide the resources to make this an option for him. And, it would definitely come from Him because it's not in me to do for us.

I think I may be numb because I can’t seem to shake the feeling of despair. I’m not my usual chipper self at all this morning and I know this has to be harder on DH than it is on me. Sure, I'll have an increased work load but he will have lost more of his identity. He's already in a state of mild depression over the loss of the use of his hands (from the neck surgeries and the neuropathy) and although he hasn't really been obviously bothered by the loss of his other foot (he's had a very good attitude), it's still hard. But, you couple all of that with the potential for losing his right foot/leg and he's got a lot of mental demons to deal with. Any time I start to feel sorry for myself, all I have to do is focus on his pain and suffering and I'm ashamed of my whiney self.

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