Monday, February 11, 2008

It’s not supposed to be like this…

You follow doctor’s orders and things are supposed to get better. In the case of my husband’s foot – it’s not. The doctor was nearly beside himself this morning when he saw DH. He said the foot has gone from a stubborn blister that wouldn’t heel to a crisis – and if it got even 1 cm deeper (that’s less than ½ inch) he’s looking a possible amputation because it would be into the bone.

This takes us back nearly exactly two years ago when the other foot was 1/2 amputated on April 1, 2006. At least then DH had another foot to balance on when he transferred from stool to bed to wheelchair, etc. He can barely balance on what’s left of that foot now. I don’t know what will happen. He’s a big man and I don’t see myself being able to lift him or help him transfer from place to place.

Everyone says I’m such a strong person. I’m not really. I’m really crumbling on the inside but I can’t show that to anyone. Who would I show anyway? Each individual person in my life who I might rely on has their own set of problems to deal with and adding mine into the mix would just complicate things. It's easier on everyone if I just keep plodding along as I have been. My mom is elderly and in poor health. My siblings have too much going on in their lives and of the five, there's only one I would ask for help anyway. She's got too much on her plate to add anything else. I wouldn't even think of asking any of my brothers for anything. They don’t want to hear about anyone’s problems. Heaven forbid, you might be asking for help and they surely can’t do anything like that.

That leaves my church and I have shared some things with some people who have asked about him. We had a man from the church show up the other day to fix our flat tire. His wife told him we had a flat and he should come over to change it for us. I haven’t gotten it in to get fixed yet but I’m not in any hurry since DH isn’t driving anyway. But, our church is small and I don’t know what they could or would do besides pray, and they’re already doing that. I love our pastor and his family and I know they’re praying and believing for a complete healing for DH.

I have a couple of friends who have also volunteered to help, but you can’t really ask friends to change a dressing on an open wound or help your husband get to the toilet. That is asking too much. I don’t like to do it but that’s part of the territory of being married and I know if the roles were reversed, DH would do it for me. The only thing I could ask is for someone to bring him food while I’m at work, but even that is an inconvenience as everyone has responsibilities during the day. When he had his other amputation, the church brought him lunch nearly every day, which was a real blessing. We have a different pastor now but hopefully if things don’t go well we could still work something out. Most of my other friends live either out of the state or in another country altogether, so they're out for sure (I sure do enjoy my IM conversations though with H.A-S.).

My husband’s ex-wife is a great resource and is there if I really need her. But she’s got an older husband who has his own health problems. They don’t need to worry about us. She sent me a very nice email and said she appreciated everything I do for DH and she’s sure the kids do, too (talking about their kids). If they knew they’d appreciate it but they’d actually have to ask how their dad is doing to know what's going on. One does as she works in the same building I do and I sent her a picture last week. Her husband is an electrician and they have done quite a bit of labor-intensive “free” work for us since DH can no longer function as an electrician. There are also two boys, the younger of them has his own health problems and doesn’t realize how bad his dad is, but I know he appreciates me. The other one is married and has a pretty busy life, too.

That leaves only God and I rely heavily on Him. I honestly don’t know where I’d be without His grace and love. I do find myself crying out a lot and asking Him to lift me up and increase my faith.

Today is definitely one of those days where I've been feeling sorry for myself and having a mini-meltdown. I'll get through it and I know that everything will work out but it is hard to cope when life keeps slapping you down.

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